


We should've never left that fireplace

by Little_fucking_sunshine_for_once



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Gaping, Angst, Blowjobs, Face-Fucking, Face-Sitting, Fluff, Fluffy Smut, Im fucking proud, M/M, Made up disease, Maybe someone dies, Multi, Please leave some feedback, Smut, This is a mess but its the mkst beautiful thing i had ever written, Threesome, a lot of crying actually, angsty smut, i promise it will be sweet, jerking off, not telling you who, whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-01-27 02:03:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 32
Words: 53,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21384286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_fucking_sunshine_for_once/pseuds/Little_fucking_sunshine_for_once
Summary: Jaemin and Jeno are (more than) friends to Renjun, but there's only one (huge) problem.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 18
Kudos: 193





	1. The time it all started

**Author's Note:**

> The story may progress completly differently than how I think right now, so I am not sure what to tell you guys rather than that I hope you enjoy and follow the story!
> 
> (The disease Renjun has is somewhat made up. It's a twist on existing disease.)

“Renjun, wait!” Jaemin yelled after him, hand searching for his in vain. “Renjun!”

The words were in vain. Renjun had already disappeared into the night. Without his coat, and scarf, on this cold, freezing cold, night of December, Jaemin thought. “Stubborn little ass,” Jeno hissed under his breath, standing in the doorway.

Jaemin turned around to glare at him, the always soft eyes piercing through him. “Yeah, yeah. I'm already getting ready.” There was no words needed. Jaemin stared Jeno down and the boy knew what he was supposed to do, even without words.

“Renjun!” The two loud voiced yelled, intertwining while they searched through the woods. 

“Renjun, for fucks sake!” Jeno yelled, voice breaking in the cold air. “Fuck, Jaemin, what if we don't find him?”

The thought ran a shiver down Jaemin's spine. It was freezing cold. And not to mention the boy they were frantically searching for was dressed far too little to be in this weather outside.

“Hey, hey. Let's focus, okay? It's snowing, so we must find him before the tracks are gone.” Jaemin said, hands intertwining with Jeno's to keep the boy's mind straight. He just nodded in response, took in a deep breath and sighed. 

They parted again, each going a bit out of their way to yell the, now repeating, name that echoed right down the valley.

Jaemin stopped in his tracks. The light he had on himself was pointed to the end of the traces. His breath stopped in his lungs, mouth dry with the icy air. “Jaemin?” Jeno came up to him, eyes firts searching the boy's frozen frame. As he didn't get the answer, he looked the direction the younger was looking, eyes falling onto a body.

“Shit!” Jeno said, quickly hurrying to the laying boy, already covered with a thin layer of snow. “Shit, Jaemin, he's so cold.” 

The younger stood in his tracks. He couldn't move. He was too heartbroken to move. “Jaemin! Snap out of it!” Jeno's sharp words brought Jaemin back to reality, and he took a step forward, the jacket in his hands already rushing over Renjun's cold back.

“How long have we been searching?” “I don't know. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour,” Jaemin breathed out, eyes turning glossy. “It felt like forever.”

Jeno picked up the small boy, Jaemin helped him get him on his back, the three now making their way back into the warm, dry, rented house.

Jaemin could see Jeno was trying his best not to break; it was sort of his fault Renjun snapped after all. He gave Jaemin a kiss. He proposed the thing to Renjun. “Ah, shit,” Jeno hissed under his breath, feeling the tears slip warm against his cheeks. 

“Jeno, stop, your cheeks are gonna freeze off.” Jaemin said, grabbing Jeno's arm and lightly pulling him back, turning to him. His hands delicately wipped away the wet traces off of his cheeks, and they locked eyes for a few seconds before Jaemin gave the elder a reassuring smile. “It's okay. We found him. We will talk it out.”

Jeno would lie if he said that he didn't feel a bit better hearing the softly spoken words, but the tears in his eyes didn't go away.

After walking for a bit more, the open lights in the wooden house they were staying at shone into the night and both of the boys sighed in relief. Jaemin quickly took a glance at Jeno, who was quiet for the majority of the way. Jaemin knew he regretted every single word he said, every single thing he did, and he felt bad for him; he wished he could say he liked it, he wished he could say all the things they did made him excited. But knowing why they came to this remoted house for vacations made his hear ache for Renjun.

“Lay him down here.” Jeno gently slid Renjun off his back, then turned around and slowly laid the freezing boy down. Jaemin was already pulling a blanket over his cold body, tucking the fabric under him, to keep him warm.

“Why did he faint?” Jeno suddenly asked, staring at one place. Jaemin sighed, lips pressed into a thin line, eyebrows furrowed. “I have no idea,” he whispered, voice just about to crack. Both their eyes turned glassy, tears almost immediately spilling.

“Fuck, Jaemin, what did I do?” 

He sounded so broken. Was Renjun really so angry?

They kept the fire going and as Renjun got warmer, they could see he was sleeping. His soft hums made both of their hearts tingle with unexpected relief.

“Jaemin?” Renjun softly whispered, hand lightly shaking his shoulder. When he woke up, both of the boys were sleeping next to him on the couch, one looking more stressed that the other.

“Hey, hey, are you okay?” Jaemin lightly whispered back, hand immediately holding his, eyes staring at the pale boy. Renjun faked a smile, which quickly disappeared. “Yeah,” he whispered, eyes avoiding Jaemin's. “I'm fine.”

By the tone of his voice Jaemin knew he wasn't okay. He had been weird for a while, pulling out of every activity and party the boys planned, keeping his distance. Jaemin thought it was just a phase, but it kept on going. Not a week, not a month, but now for five months. So him and Jeno decided they will talk to him on this vacation, make him, force him to open up about his problems. Somehow, Jaemin knew Renjun only said yes because they had already paid for his share.

“Do you want some tea?” Renjun lightly nodded at the question and Jaemin promised he will come back in a few moments.

Renjun sighed, the tall, broad frame disappearing into the kitchen. He burried his face in hia hands, the slight shift making Jeno move in his place. His face was more exposed to Renjun now, eyelashes falling beautifully against his rosy cheeks, his lightly parted lips letting out the softest hums the boy has ever heard.

He was almost too beautiful, Renjun tought to himself. He was surreal.

“Here,” Jaemin whispered, handing Renjun his cup with the tea the boy loved the most.

“Thank you.”

The room became silent for a few moments, Jeno's soft breaths the only thing that could be heard and both boys just stared at him admired him.

“He was so worried, you know.” Jaemin lightly said, eyes never leaving Jeno. “He's so scared that you are mad at him.”

Renjun felt tears fill his eyes. “Good.” he whispered, tears slipping past his eyelashes. He felt Jaemin's eyes on him, knowing the surprised boy heard him. “What?” Renjun looked at Jaemin, eyes locking. “I said it's good. Good that he's scared. Good that he was worried.” he said, voice rather normal.

Jaemin just stared at him with eyes wide. Was he hearing the words correctly?

“What- Why are...you saying that?”

Renjun looked away, taking in a breath and wipped his cheeks. “It doesn't matter.” Jaemin snapped and lightly stood up in his seat. “Of course it matters, Renjun! Why are you being like this?”

He stayed silent for a split second, tears forming in his eyes again. “I don't know about you, but what he proposed was disgusting. I was so angry he expected me to like it.” “Renjun stop lying.”

Jaemin knew he wasn't serious. The tone of his voice gave him away. 

“I'm not lying!” he said, the voice a bit higher than normal. “You can do all the gay shit, leave me out of it!”

Jaemin just stared at him. He knew the crying boy was lying. He just knew it, the way his cheeks shaded at the spoken words, the way his voice trembled, the way his hands shaked. It was all a play-along game, a facade he was trying his best to put on. 

“Stop! Just stop!” Jaemin raised his voice a bit, the small boy flinching. “Stop fucking lying! Why are you being like this?” He took in a deep breath, eyes focused on Renjun. “Are we so bad? Do you really hate us this much? We can't even do the things we did together for so long?”

Renjun didn't know what to say. There was a lump in his throat, tears kept falling and he felt like screaming.

Should he tell them or not?

He took in a deep breath and wipped under his nose. “You know that's not true...” he whispered, eyes never looking at Jaemin. “What isn't true?”

“That I hate you. I don't, and that's the problem.”

Jaemin was at loss of words. That was not the answer he was hoping for.

“I wanna hate you guys, so much, so fucking much.” he cried out, face burrying in his hands. “Why?” Jaemin gulped, throat drying at the anticipating answer. “I wanna hate you, fuck.” Renjun cried out again, crying uncontrollably at this rate, hasting for air, clenching his hands against the blanket. Jaemin couldn't stand back and leaned forward, hugging Renjun close, the small boy crying right against his chest.

But he didn't fight back. He gave into the hug, the tears and hasting breath making Jaemin's heart ache.

He brought one hand up to his head and caressed it, the touch making Renjun cry even harder.

“You're killing me,” Renjun mumbled while crying, words too quiet for Jaemin to get at first, but he caught on the second or third time.

Jaemin could only wonder why the boy was crying this hard, and why was he crying against the chest of the person he wants to hate this much.

Renjun eventually fell asleep, exhausted from crying too long, head hurting. Jaemin tucked him in, gave his forehead a light kiss, and woke Jeno up.

“What's wrong?” Jeno asked, hand lightly resting on Jaemin's shoulder.

“Renjun woke up before.” Jeno stared at Jaemin. “T- that's good, right?” “Of course that's good, what do you mean.” he said, slightly punching Jeno's chest. “Okay, but?”

Jaemin took in a deep breath. “He said that we should do the ‘gay shit’ by our selves and that he was disgusted at the thought that you even asked... That.” “What? Since when is he disgusted with jerking off together? We've done that so many fucking times,” Jeno started, voice carefull not to wake the sleeping boy up. “What the fuck is up with him?” “I don't know,” Jaemin sighed, hands crossing against his chest. “He was crying so hardly, and he kept saying we're killing him. That he's going to die.”

Jeno had no words. When Renjun cried while ‘being angry’ he never really was angry in the first place.

“What does that even mean?” Jaemin looked at Jeno. “He said he wants to hate us. He said he wants to hate us ‘so fucking much’.” Jaemin knew Jeno didn't understand either.

They stayed in silence for a few minutes, eyes pierced to the ground, both thinking to themselves.

“I only wanted to help him relieve stress, that's all. We used to do that so many times, everytime one was stressed. Not to mention he continued the thing for quite some time, I only wanted-” “Hey! I know, Jeno.” Pressing his hands against Jeno's shoulders, Jaemin cut him off. The other boy's eyes were now full of tears, almost spilling. “I know. I don't know what's wrong with him.” Silence filled the room again.

“Is he sick anywhere?” Jeno suddenly asked, locking eyes with Jaemin. “No, not that I know of. Why?” “Hmm, then I really don't know.”

Jaemin sighed, his back leaning against the wall, next to Jeno. “Yeah, me neither.”

“Let's not preasure him, okay?” Jeno nodded at Jaemin's words, pressing his lips into a thin line. “I'm not sure I would be even able to speak to him, anyway.” Jaemin lightly smacked Jeno's arm, making both laugh for a second.

“I just hope he's okay, no matter what he's going through.” 

Jaemin couldn't agree more.

“Guys?” Both turning to the sound of Renjun's voice, they looked at each other and then almost ran to search for him. Running to the living room, they both stopped in their tracks, eyes focusing on the sitting frame.

“Yeah? Are you okay? Is something wrong?” 

Boy were they not ready for the news following.


	2. The wrong words, time and situation

“Renjun!!” 

The horrified screams of his names, the wide eyes, filled with tears and horror to point of spilling, the grabbing hands. He was well used to this. Just not by the people he cared about. Not about people that mattered more to him than anyone else.

“Renjun! Say something!” Jeno shook him in his hands lightly, tears falling as he watched the small boy grabb against his chest, eyes glossy, lips parted.

Jaemin was already dialling the 911, phone just starting to lose the signal when the call pulled through and someone answered.

“Jaemin!” Renjun whispered, but loud enough for the boy to hear. Jeno looked at him, eyes nervously switching between Jaemin and the broken figure in his hands.

“Hang up, I'm fine.” he whispered again, voice in so much pain, Jaemin seriously debating whether to listen to him or not. Renjun whispered again, repeating his words. “Hang up.”

And just as the attack started, it ended. Renjun's body was lightly twitching from the overrun pain, hand slowly letting go off his chest, breath deep but steady. A bit of sweat formed on his forehead, which he wipped away without much thinking.

Jeno sat beside him, hands in mid air, just waiting to have to hold him again. He was ready to shake the weeping body again, to help him get back to his senses, to... Do anything. 

“Jeno...” Renjun said, switching his eyes up to the crying, mortified boy on top of him. Reaching out his hand to wipe away a tear, Jeno quickly stood up and stormed out of the living room, going God knows where. Jaemin heard the doors to bedroom shut close, and took in a deep breath, stepping around the couch to Renjun.

“Renjun?” Ah, there it was. Now he is going to ask what's wrong. Why was he having an attack. Why is he completely alright after the shit passed. Why isn't he dead. There it was. In the next breath, he will lose everything-

“Are you okay?”

The question made Renjun's eyes catch Jaemin's into a stare. “Are... You alright?”

“Yeah,” Renjun whispered, breath getting caught in his lungs, words stuck in his throat. I'm done for, he thought to himself.

“Are you sure? Because that was...”

There were no words needed. Renjun was all too familiar with everything, the words were just a nuisance.

“It comes and goes. I'm fine now.” he whispered again, not sure if he should even speak. He was way too embarrassed to talk about it. “What do you mean? Is it repeating?” Renjun was just about to answer, when he got cut off by a loud yell and something breaking. They both looked at the direction of the noise, eyes frightened.

“Jeno?” Jaemin called out, terrified. He and Renjun exchanged a look and the smaller boy just uncovered himself, standing up and going to search for Jeno, hand in hand with Jaemin.

Another yell and another thing breaking freaked both of them out, their stepps quick to search for Jeno, for the broken up boy. “Jeno?” Jaemin called, no response, except another yell. Renjun could feel tears in his eyes again.

“Jeno!” Jaemin called, opening the bedroom door to see Jeno's broken figure crying, leaning against the wall he just punched a hole through. He didn't even flinch. He didn't even move a muscle. He stood there, both hands wrapped against his head, elbows pressed into the wall, crying, yelling almost. 

“Jeno? Hey,” Renjun lightly called, slowly taking a step towards him. His hands were shaking, lips trembling with sadness and hurt. A hand touching across Jeno's back made him turn around and swing his arms around the smaller boy, holding him just enough to cry into his shoulder.

“I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry,” he kept repeating under his breath. His voice was cracking, tears staining Renjun's shirt, hands holding him near.

“I'm okay, Jeno, why are you apologising?” He felt the boy pull him a bit closer as he spoke. “I thought you will die, I thought I might fucking lose you,” he whispered, hands shaking against Renjun's back. “I'm sorry I said anything, I take it all back, I will even pack my stuff and just leave here, I'm sorry I-” Cutting the boy off with a kiss, Jeno blinked a bit before kissing him back.

Renjun was playing a dangerous game; his heart might burst with every touch, evey tear shed, with every breath taken too close to them. But he didn't mind it, hell, he couldn't even think straight.

As he parted, Jeno stared at him with eyes wide.

“You need to... Stop.” Renjun said, words gentle but stern. His eyes were searching for places to look that were anywhere but Jeno's eyes.

“Ren...Jun? What is all this about?”

Turning around lightly, Renjun caught Jaemin's eyes into his.

“I...” The words of confession were stuck in his throat. ‘I must tell them’, he thought to himself. ‘I must tell them everything. They deserve it, they deserve to know that I'm sick.’

“I wanna do it.”

‘Those are not the right words’, he hissed at himself mentally.

Those were not the words he ment to let out, not in this situation, where all their cheeks were wet. Soaked, actually. Where Jeno was broken. Not physicaly, but plenty mentally. Where Jaemin was just confused at everything happening, as if everything was evolving infront of his eyes and he had no idea why.

“Fuck, Jeno! You're bleeding!” Jaemin said, eyes catching the dripping blood that slowly slid down Jeno's hands, falling to the floor and splattering there.

All of their eyes fell onto his hands, covered with the red liquid.

“Ah, fuck,” Jeno whispered, taking a step back, his bottom bumping against the cabinet and he leaned on it a bit, the pain hitting him the more he looked.

Jaemin rushed to him, both him and Renjun closely examining the fresh cuts all along his knuckles.

“You stupid, silly ass.” Jaemin hissed under his breath, walking behing him and Renjun with a fresh towel and bandages.

“I'm sorry,” Jeno said, sitting down on the couch, tears filling his eyes all over again.

Renjun sat down beside him, one hand holding his, the other lightly wipping away the blood. “What if you hurt yourself more seriously?” “Jaemin,” Renjun whispered, turning around in his seat, eyes quickly finding his. 

He felt both of them stiffen up. “W- What? Are you okay?”

Renjun sighed and nodded. “I'm fine. Give me a bandage.”

The room became silent for a few seconds as Renjun took care of Jeno's hands, Jaemin lightly brushing his hair, making an effort to keep him relaxed, just a tad bit more.

Renjun took in a deep breath, cleaning the last of the wounds, and he felt both of their eyes on him, piercing through him. “You can stop staring, I'm fine. Besides, you saw-” “Are you gonna tell us?”

Renjun lightly stopped in his tracks for a quick second before proceeding to put the final bandage on the asking boy's knuckles. “No.”

“Renjun, come on.” Jaemin said, protesting at the shit he was hearing. “We saw what happened. Don't you think we should know what we are dealing with?” “Wait, what? ‘Are’ dealing?”

Both their breaths stopped in their throats as Jeno straightened up, asking the question.

Renjun glared at Jaemin once, then proceeded to put the trashes away from his lap. “Guys?!”

“It's ongoing. And,” Renjun said, determined to keep the secret to himself before someone else gets hurt. “It's also none of your business.”

The room went silent. The only sound that could be heard was the fire in the fireplace across the living room, and Jaemin's sarcastic giggle. “None of our business? Renjun are you kidding us right now?!” Raising his voice, Jaemin stood up from where he was leaning at the window and took a step towards Renjun. “We almost saw you die! We thought we might lose you and what? It's none of our business?!”

He paused to take in a breath. “We are best friends, Renjun. In bad or good, in the best or in the worst. Or did you happen to forget that in the five months you ignored us?” 

Jeno stayed silent. His mind was still stuck on the event from before, the mixed feelings of the sweet kiss he received and the absolutely horrifying scene.

“I wasn't ignoring you...” “Then what?! Did you forget to answer our calls? Our text messages? Did you forget to hang out with us in the living room of our fucking dorm? For five fucking mon-” “I was trying to get you to hate me!!”

Jaemin went silent. His eyes were fixed on the boy before him, watching him as he faught back the tears. “I... I was trying to keep you away from me. I couldn't let myself get involved even more.”

“What?” Jaemin asked, eyebrows furrowed. Jeno looked at Renjun, the piercing eyes making Renjun fidget in place.

‘I can't tell them I'm dying’, he thought. So he risked his life and took in a deep breath. ‘My heart might just shutter at this, but screw me.’

“I was trying to keep myself away from you. Because I... I was falling in love with you.”

He felt his cheeks burn up. It was nothing but the truth, and the truth hurt him more than anything. Physically, not just mentally.

“What?”

The boys asking in unison, heads empty but so full at the same time.

'And now you're killing yourself', Renjun thought.

And he was.

“What does that have to do with what happened before?” Jaemin asked, confused.

Renjun sighed, knowing well where the talk was going. 

“Shit, I feel like I am digging my own grave.” he whispered under his breath, but the words catching in Jeno's ears.

“What? Renjun, what the fuck is going on?”

Begging for the boy to speak, both of them were getting irritated. Was he always this stubborn?

“Renjun?” He sighed loudly. His ears were becoming red, and Jaemin could see the tears building from the place he was standing, right by the window.

“For fucks sake, Renjun, just say it!” Jeno said, voice becoming uncontrollable, the tone too high for all of their liking, but necessary.

“Renjun, just say it. What's so fucking hard?” “Telling you I might fucking die tomorrow! I might die today, right at this fucking instant! That's what's fucking hard!”

The room became silent.

Renjun felt tears slip past his eyelashes and looked away, head burried in hands.

“Renjun...” Jaemin finally spoke, the whispering voice full of sorrow and pain. It made Renjun sadder than imagined.

“W... Why?” Jeno whispered, even the whispering voice cracking.

Renjun leaned back on the couch, sniffing a bit, taking in a deep breath, tears still filling his eyes.

“My heart.” he whispered, voice giving out as another tear slipped past his eyelashes.

“It's my fucking heart.”


	3. Testing the limits?

“It's...” Renjun sighed, breath becoming uncontrollable. “It's fucked up. Even if I wanted to explain, I wouldn't know how.”

Jaemin stared at a certain spot, trying to figure out what whas going on. Jeno just cried. Not sure whether to even look at him, he rather stayed away, and cried into his own bandaged hands.

He was broken. All of him.

“Try. Please,” he finally whispered, voice cracking with every breath he took. “Please, just try.”

Renjun wanted to scream. Did he just hurt the people he swore not to hurt in this life, ever?

“O... Okay.”

Jaemin came closer to the couch, sitting on the armrest, next to Renjun. Jeno grabbed a tissue of the table and lightly wipped his cheeks and nose with it, taking in a few deep breaths to calm himself dow a bit.

Both boys looked at Renjun and the boy had never felt that small.

“It's basically like... Um, like a mine? Something like that.” They all stayed quiet for a few seconds. He knew the boys had no idea what he was talking about, so he took in a deep breath, fingers fidgeting with each other.

“You know in movies, there's these bomb like things in the ground that explode when someone touches it?” They both nodded, grasping the meaning. “It's like that. Like a mine.”

“So... Why...?” The questioning looks made him crumble on the inside. Why did he ever bring this up?

“It's really unstable. It might stop from over excitement, might burst from over loving, might stop from being hurt, it might give in just-” “Wait. Wait.” Jeno said, eyebrows furrowed. “It might... From over loving? That's why you were avoiding us?”

Renjun gulped.

Pressing his lips into a this line with tears returning back to his eyes, he nodded.

“You... Are in love with us?” Renjun let a small chuckle leave his lips, not being sure that was even the thing to do at that situation. “Yeah,” he whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks again. “Fuck.” Breathing out a short sigh, he let his head fall forward.

“That's why we're killing you,” Jaemin suddenly whispered to himself, realization hitting him like a brick. “That's why you said you might die because of us!”

Both pairs of eyes pierced at Renjun, the small boy only crying harder.

Did they understand him correctly? He did say he was in love with them both; perhaps they didn't hear- 

“Renjun,” shaking the thought out of his mind, Renjun looked up to see Jaemin kneeling infront of him.

“Hey,..” taking his hands into his own, Jaemin looked at him, eyes catching. Both of their faces were shining under the dim light of the fire across of them, cheeks wet with tears. “What can we do?”

Renjun thought to himself for a bit. Would it be too much to ask them if they could love him? Would it be too much to ask them to forget about everything?

“I can't force you to love me back,” Renjun whispered, another tear slipping past his eyelashes. “I can't do that.” “What are you talking about? Renjun, I had been in love with you for so long,” Jeno said, coming closer to the other boys. “All this time.” Jaemin nodded gently, thumb running over Renjun's knuckles. “Me too, for such a long time.”

Renjun was at loss of words. What? So, when Jeno proposed to jerk off together to relieve stress, when Jaemin asked to massage him, when they asked him to come over and be with them, it was all out of love? Not... kindness?

Renjun could only cry harder. His heart finally felt... Full.

Jeno pulled one of his hands up to wrap around his back, tears falling against Renjun's shirt as he pressed his cheek against his back. Jaemin gently pulled up and hugged him, tears leaving eyes like no tomorrow.

Renjun finally felt alright.

“You okay?” Jaemin asked, pulling away after Renjun calmed down a bit. He nodded, taking in a deep breath. Jeno kept still, cheek pressed against the small boy's back, tears slowly drying up.

“Fuck,” Renjun whispered, blowing out his nose into the tissue Jeno gave him after pulling away. “If I would have known we were gonna cry this much, I would've taken a roll of toilet paper extra.” he laughed out, his smile making both boys smile as well, the feeling warm, even if it didn't last long.

“I love you,” Jeno whispered, eyes catching Renjun's. He lightly smiled, ears turning red. “I, too, love you.” Jaemin whispered kneeling, positioned just the same as before. “And if we are doing it wrong, please, just tell us.”

Renjun smiled. He felt loved. He felt loved to the point of being full.

“How does this work, actually? Like can we hold hands and kiss, and do other things, or is your limit just knowing we feel the same?” Jeno asked, seriously puzzled.

Renjun lightly chuckled. The pleading eyes infront of him were actually making him relaxed. “Is... This the limit?” Jaemin asked. His hands went back to caressing Renjun's, eye contact unbroken.

“No.” Jaemin immediately let go. “Too much?” “No, silly. Let's just find out along the way where the barriers are.”

Jaemin looked at Jeno and lightly nodded back at Renjun. “Okay.”

Renjun pulled Jaemin up and the boy sat beside him on the couch, Renjun scooting a bit closer to Jeno, all having enough space.

Renjun took both of their hands to his, intertwining fingers. Jeno slightly smiled, eyes still teary from before. Jaemin smiled, too, glazing fingers over Renjun's knuckles gently.

“I wish we could stay like this,” Jaemin whispered to himself. The other boys' couldn't agree more.

“I wanna make it work,” Renjun said, voice on the verge of a whisper. “So badly.” Jaemin looked at him. “Did it hurt you more when you ignored us or when you were with us?”

Renjun thought to himself. “I think I had ‘episodes’ almost everyday when we were apart. But I think it was just the unspoken feelings, that were too big for me to handle. I missed you so much,” he said, the last few words becoming a whisper as tears glaced over his eyes again. “That's why we have to make it work. I think my heart might explode if something goes wrong.” he continued, voice a whisper as tears slipped past his eyelashes. “I might die just from loving you from a far.”

Jeno suddenly leaned in and pressed a kiss against his lips, Renjun immediately kissing him back. It was a small peck, but it made them both eager for more. Jeno pulled away, a light blush across his cheeks. Jaemin couldn't stay still so he placed a hand under Renjun's chin, turning his head so he could catch his lips into a kiss as well.

Parting, Jaemin pressed his forehead against Renjun's, hands searching for Jeno's, holding it lightly, brushing both thumbs over the knuckles of his, now, boyfriends.

Jeno leaned in, pulled Jaemin's chin to himself and placed a quick kiss to his lips, parting as Renjun took in a quick breath, the scene infront of him making his mouth water.

“A- are you okay??” Jeno asked, frantically. Renjun couldn't help but blush, smiling lightly. “Y, yeah. That was just...” “Too much?” Jaemin asked, fingers stopping drawing circles for a few seconds. “I was gonna say so hot.”

Both boys kept quiet for a moment before smiling and letting out a little laugh.

Renjun smiled a little. Did their laughs always sound that beautiful?

“I'm so tired,” Jeno let out, yawning. “All this crying and sadness wore me off.” Laughing along, Jaemin nodded. “You must be tired, too.” he said, eyes scanning Renjun's face. The small boy nodded.

He was worn out, not tired. Emotionally, mentally, physically. For the first time in a while it was his heart that felt alive and well.

“Let's go to bed,” Renjun said, hands lightly pulling both of the boys with him. He heard Jeno giggle a little, Jaemin's chuckle, a small laugh leaving all of them. “Yeah.”

Jaemin made sure Renjun was tucked in well, Jeno made sure he had enough to drink on the nightstand. He felt so taken care of, so loved, so accepted.

Jaemin laid on his right side, Jeno on his left, both turned to him, hands down his waist, and his hair. He felt so sleepy, his eyes heavy and before he knew it, he was already sleeping. 

Jeno smiled fondingly, hands lightly playing with the sleeping boy's hair, loving the small breaths he was leaving out as he slept. Jaemin scanned his face, the slightly parted lips, the closed eyes, the eyelashes that fell so beautifully against his rosy cheeks. He was almost too beautiful.

“I can't believe any of what happened today,” Jeno whispered, eyes never leaving the sleeping boy. “It is almost surreal.” Jaemin nodded. “I can't believe it either. It's... All so... Strange. I mean, I love him and I'm glad he is finally back with us, but about everything else... I just wish we had known sooner.”

“Do you think we can make it work?” Jaemin sighed. “I hope we can. I so fucking hope we can,” he whispered, looking at the sleeping boy under him before switching to Jeno. “I really do.” 

“We should go to sleep, too.” Jeno nodded, and slid more under the covers, hand immediately wrapping around Renjun's waist, pulling the sleeping boy closer to him. Jaemin scooped closer, hands wrapping around both of them, chin resting against the top of Renjun's head. Jeno slightly smiled looking up at Jaemin and put his hand over Jaemin's waist, too. 

Jaemin smiled. “I love you,” he whispered. Jeno returned the smile. “I love you, too.”

Jeno fell asleep before Jaemin, and the boy just stayed awake for a few minutes. He had a lot to think about. ‘I can't tell them now,’ he thought to himself. ‘We are all finally happy. I can't take that way.’ Sighing he tightened the hold around both of them. ‘I'll just... Keep it a secret.’

The night was quiet, cold, but they all slept so well. Wrapped in each others arms, they had never slept that good, ever.

Renjun woke up the last, the bed already empty when he opened his eyes. He smelled pancakes being made and the house was already warmed up, and he imagined the boys already started the fire in the fireplace.

He smiled to himself. ‘Is it really gonna be this easy?’ he asked himself, quickly deciding to avoid any questions regarding his heart.

He got up and walked to the kitchen, the boys not noticing him as Jeno had Jaemin sat on the counter, lips catching each other's in a laughing kiss. “Stoop,” Jaemin said, laughing as Jeno tapped his fingers up his thighs and waist. It made the ticklish boy squirm in place, laugh escaping his mouth again.

“Oh, Renjun,” he suddenly said, eyes catching the smaller frame in the doorway. Jeno pulled away and turned to him, cheeks rosy. “Hey, good morning.” Jaemin said, jumping off the counter and walking over to him, hands wrapping around his shoulders quickly, hugging him tight. He parted and kissed him, the lingering taste of sweet making Renjun hum into the kiss.

“You okay?” Renjun nodded at Jeno, who was lightly smiling from the back of the stove. He nodded and turned his eyes to the pancake on the pan, turning it before coming closer to Renjun and kissing him once, too. “Slept well?” The boy nodded, wrapping his hands aroung Jeno, who was lightly patting his head.

“What are you making?” “Pancakes.” “Sweet!” Both boys chuckled. 

“Aren't you cold? You should've get dressed properly.” Jaemin asked, seeing Renjun only wear the shirt and boxers he slept in. “Aah, I felt hungry, and the smell was too captivating.” Renjun smiled, fingers unknowingly fidgeting with each other.

Jeno would say he didn't stare, but he sure noticed Renjun moving weirdly; he tried to hide his front, and Jeno was hundred percent sure what there was to hide.

“Why don't we help you get dressed? Then we can all eat.” Jeno said, hands already pulling Renjun to the pile of clothes on the couch. Jaemin followed, one hand holding Renjun's.


	4. Porn and touches, Deja vu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whole thing is basically porn.

Renjun found himself sitting on the armrest of the couch, hands on his thighs as he waited for the boys to bring him his clothes.

Jeno came back around the couch, putting the clothes he collected beside Renjun and kissed him once, hands already pulling up the shirt from his waist, the small patch of skin shivering when Jeno's fingers brushed it. “I can- I can redress myself,” he said, a breathy moan escaping him lips as the elder grabbed his waist, placing a kiss to his neck.

“Ssh, let us take care of you. Just say if it's too much to handle, okay, Renjun?” The small boy nodded, agreeing to Jaemin's command.

Jeno kissed him again, then parted, lowering down onto his knees. He placed a few kisses along Renjun's waist, and let Jaemin pull the oversized shirt off the boy, placing kisses to his shoulders.

Renjun let out a breathy moan, hands moving to tangle in Jeno's hair a bit as he traced kisses up his stomach, trailing up to his chest and stopping at where his heart was, placing a long, gentle, soft kiss against the skin.

Renjun almost felt like crying.

Jeno then pulled up and kissed Jaemin over Renjun's shoulder, the sight making Renjun realize he was rock hard this whole time.

“We, um, we should-” The boys parted, eyes quickly fixated on Renjun. “Too much? Are you okay?” Renjun felt his ears burn.

Jeno noticed the boy's embarrassment and chuckled, hand trailing down his waist and over his thigh. Renjun shivered at the touch, closing his eyes at the feeling. “Renjun,” Jaemin whispered, lips very close to his ear. “Want help with this?” Hand tracing down Renjun's erection at the spoken words, making the boy moan, head throwing backwards.

Jeno smiled at the scene. Renjun was grasping at the couch, fists made against anything he could hold when Jaemin slowly circled around his abdomen. “What do you want?” Jaemin asked, lips slowly tracking down his neck. “H... How about we... Um... Just jerk off?” Jaemin softly smiled to himself. “Too much to handle?” Renjun nodded, the thought of having sex making his heart race.

Jaemin pulled the pullover he was wearing off himself, the shirt under it following quickly. Renjun turned his head back, eyes eager to catch Jaemin's beautiful body. Jeno followed quickly behind, both boys sitting on the couch afterwards, pulling Renjun in the middle.

“Do you wanna watch some porn to do it?”

The question and Jeno's voice echoed in Renjun's mind. They had done this so many times. Why was this time so different?

“Yeah, sure.” Jaemin got up and grabbed the laptop, synched it with the tv and searched for some good porn. “I saw this one just a while ago. It's really good.” Renjun gulped. He hoped Jaemin wasn't gonna put on some fake moaning-screaming-faking orgasm girl, because, more than obvious, Renjun was gay. 

He was surprised by the sound of three men moaning. Jaemin leaned back to the couch, putting the laptop to the coffee table just next to the side of the couch.

“You were watching gay porn?” Jeno asked, hand already palming himself through his pants. “Well, yeah. I am into boys, you might know by now.” Jaemin laughed, placing one hand on Renjun's thigh. The boy shivered under his touch, but smiled at his words. He felt warm.

“Then why the fuck were we watching those pretentious girls?” Jeno laughed out.

“Well, I thought Renjun wasn't... You know, interested. Turns out I was wrong all-” Words cutting off as Renjun leaned to the side and laced his lips with him; the kiss full of passion, but not meaning anything more than just what it was.

Jeno hissed under his breath, the scene next to him driving him insane.

As Renjun parted, he leaned over to Jeno and kissed him, too.

As he parted, Renjun leaned back in his seat. His dick was too hard by now, and he was eager to get himself off. Jeno lowered his pants, only enough to set himself free; and his dick bounced back against his stomack, fully erected.

Jaemin did the same, and released a breathy moan as the cool air hit his skin. He looked at Renjun and placed one hand behind his pants, slidding directly to his hard dick, Renjun moaning loudly at the touch. Jeno leaned forward and placed his fingers behind the small boy's ham, pulling the pants and boxers off in one swift motion. Renjun felt extremely embarrassed by the closeness, the touches, the breaths against his skin as they both sucked a few hickeys across his neck and collarbones.

Parting, they got back to watching the porn Jaemin put on.

“Holy shit, they're so hot.” Jeno said, hands on his dick as he stared at the tv. Jaemin hummed, released a breath, hands gently stroking himself, bottom lip tucked between his teeth. Renjun slightly moved in his place, feeling the climax closing in on him, cheeks hot, eyes hazy while staring at the scene unfolding infront of him.

Both the boys looked at him the second he started moving in his place, eyes focused on his rosed up cheeks, the red tips of his ears, the glistening lips, the precum leaking out of him, his hands working on himself. All too beautiful, more turning-on as the stupid porn that was playing. 

Jeno turned to him, kissing him once, Jaemin locking his lips to Renjun's neck, tongue licking across the skin he just marked.

Moaning becoming messy and breathy, he felt close to coming as Jaemin gently jerked him off, Jeno licking at the tip. He wasn't sure how Jeno even got there, and why he let him do that, but he knew he was about to come the hardest in his existence.

His hand tucking into Jeno's hair and lightly pulling at it, hand grabbing Jaemin's, eyes glassy, whimpers and moans escaping him without even realising. He came, Jeno still lightly bobbing his head, taking all of his cum into his mouth. He swallowed, and Jaemin pulled him up, kissed him, tongues intertwining in order to get some of the taste as well. Both moaned into the kiss, parting just to look at Renjun.

He was still twitching, his legs tensing against the couch. “Holy shit,” he breathed out, hands going up to his hair, brushing it back while taking in a deep breath. “Fucking shit, w-” Cut off by Jaemin's kiss, he felt the couch rise as Jeno got up and kneeled between Renjun's legs, placing kisses all along his inner thighs and across his abdomen, Renjun moaning into Jaemin's mouth. Jeno the pulled one leg over his shoulder, the new pose giving him access to Renjun's entrance, and quickly licked one long stripe up to his balls. Renjun moaned loudly, parting from the kiss to look at Jeno before locking lips with Jaemin again.

Renjun's hand found it's way to Jaemin's erection, the touch making Jaemin part and moan loudly, forehead pressed against Renjun's, looking at the rosy cheeks and parted, plump lips infront of him.

Renjun was hard again before he knew it, Jeno's lips slowly trailing up to his neck and catching his lips into his. “Wait, wait,” Renjun whispered, parting. Both boys froze in place. “Let me catch a breath.” he said, breathing loud and quick as he leaned his head back, resting it against the back of the couch.

“Holy shit,” he let out, one hand tangling in Jeno's hair, gently playing with it, the other taking Jaemin's hand, fingers running along his knuckles.

“Yeah.” Jeno let out, head lightly pressing into Renjun's touch. All eyes focused on the tv again, the moaning getting louder and louder, skin clapping, the lewd moist, wet sounds becoming more intense. ‘Shit, shit, I'm gonna come,’ one guy said. ‘Come in me, come,’ the other repeatedly said, hands intertwining with the guy in the back.

The pose they were having sex in was fascinating to Renjun; one on his back, getting dicked down by the guy in the middle who was rocking his hips back and forth on the last guy, the guy in the middle both fucked and fucking. Renjun found himself thinking; who of them would be the middle one?

Jaemin noticed Renjun's eyes glued to the tv, and chuckled. “Enjoying?” Renjun turned to him, eyes catching his. “I was just...” Jaemin smiled. “You were wondering who would be in the middle, right?” Renjun widered his eyes. Was he thinking out loud?

“Me too, even the first time I saw it.” “What are you talking about?” Jeno asked, the loud moaning ending as the porn came to an end and he overheard the boys talking. “We were both wondering the same thing.”

Jeno looked at them, first at Renjun, then at Jaemin, not knowing what they were talking about. “We wondered who would be in the middle if that was us.”

Renjun swallowed hardly. He felt his cheeks burn up. “I was just thinking the same thing.”

They laughed out, the awkwardness nowhere to be found. “Who do you think?” Jeno asked, both the other boy's eyes fixing on him. “I bet my money we can switch.”

Renjun gulped. If they keep talking this lewdly, he might come just from the thoughts of it. 

“Oh, you would bottom?” Jaemin asked, surprised. Jeno smiled shyly, and nodded. “What about you, Renjun?”

Eyes falling on the small boy between them, they froze again. “Renjun?” Jaemin asked, frightened as the boy stayed silent. “Renjun?” “Shut up, I might come if saying anything.”

The sassy answer made all of them chuckle, laugh filling the room. “Wanna watch it again?” Jaemin asked as they calmed down a bit.

Renjun was feeling bold. He was so turned on, to the point of just wanting anything in himself, feeling empty. He had fucked himself with dildos a lot of times at home, wanting the toy to be the boys, so the opportunity was... Just calling.

“Let's just try it.”

Not having to say twice, Jaemin put the laptop away and turned to him, eyes catching his in a stare that was different than anything else he had ever seen.

“Are you sure?” Renjun pulled Jeno to himself, kissing him deeply, shushing every doubt the boy had with his lips.

Jaemin quickly stood up, grabbed his back pack and pulled out a tube of lube and a pack of wet wipes, placed them on the coffee table and got back on the couch, hands around Renjun's waist, lips crashing against his. They kissed for a bit before Renjun pulled Jeno back to him, kissing both of them at the same time, breaths escaping all of them, turning into a mess before they parted. Jeno and Jaemin leaned into each other, kissing again, moaning into each other's mouths, hands burying in each other's hair, Jaemin lightly holding Renjun's waist while pulling Jeno closer to himself. Renjun couldn't take it anymore.

“R- Renjun?” Jeno called out, eyes wide. “Renjun!!”

Ah, there it is. The sign. The sirens in his ears. The rough touches. ‘Deja vu.’


	5. Being broken feels ...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If anything is unclear in this chapter, it will be resolved in the next, so don't worry!

Renjun woke up to the far too familiar sound of beeping, mouth dry, eyes heavy. He felt a hand squeeze his gently, eyes searching for his.

“Hey,” Jaemin smiled reassuringly, eyes gently scanning Renjun's face. “Easy.”

Eyes resting on his face, Renjun felt his whole chest ache. “How are you feeling?” Renjun gulped at the question. What even happened? Why is he at the hospital? Is he... Was he only dreaming?

“What happened?” His voice was quiet, throat dry.

Jaemin sighed. Why were these things happening to him of all people?

“You don't remember?”

Renjun shook his head. He didn't want to say anything, in case he had been in a coma and only dreamt of the couch, the boys, the kisses, the touches, the warmth coming from the fireplace.

“We were about to have sex, and then you had another... Attack? Episode? I don't even know how to say.”

So Renjun wasn't dreaming. He was really with them? His eyes teared up.

“We had to call an ambulance. We called 911 because you fainted, and almost stopped breathing. Fuck, Renjun, we were so scared,” Jaemin said, heart miserably heavy at the words.

“We were so afraid.” he kneeled next to the bed, forehead leaned against his own hand holding Renjun's.

Suddenly, Renjun's mind exploded. Jaemin was there, and his heart felt warm, to say the least. But... There was only Jaemin.

“We called 911, and they luckily drove us to the right doctor, which turned out to be-” “Jaemin... Where's Jeno?”

The silence that followed was killing them both. Jaemin lightly wipped his cheeks, the tears forming in his eyes not long ago already drying up on the sheets of the bed Renjun was laying in. Making eye contact, Jaemin lightly smiled. Renjun knew he was forcing it as it disappeared just a second later. “You should get some rest.”

Standing up and giving him a kiss before storming out of the room, back hitting the wall behind him after closing the door, Jaemin broke. And he only cried. Lowering down, he pressed his elbows to his knees and cried, cried into his hands, cried until the tears made a puddle in his hands, cried until he felt as if his eyes are gonna fall out, cried until he felt his head hurt. He... Was truly broken.

Renjun was confused. Was something wrong with Jeno? Was he okay?

“Mister Huang,” doctor started. These words were always announcing some terrible news, and every time Renjun heard them his heart sunk a little. “Were you doing anything dangerous these days?”

Renjun knew the doctor knew the answer himself. His eyes sank down to his fingers, which were fidgeting with each other in nervousness.

“Your heart was overwhelmed. I'm sure you know that by now. Only this time,” Renjun snapped his eyes up to meet the doctors. “I believe there was a bigger change for better and then an attack happened because you were overwhelmed.”

What was the doctor even saying?

“W... What does that mean?” The doctor fixed his glasses and released a breath through his nose. “Listen... You are the first case with this type of disease. It's far more progressive than other we treated. We are trying our best to help you. We already went through options, and you know heart transplant isn't an option.”

“Doctor, what does that mean? Don't tell me things I already know, please.” He took in a deep breath and fixed his glasses, this time taking them off and meeting Renjun's eyes again. “We believe you were too happy and your heart couldn't take it.”

Renjun was at loss of words. He was... Being too happy? What he thought might save him, was actually killing him? He wasn't supposed to be... Happy?

“W... What?” His head became blank. The words coming from the doctor's mouth were now just a background noise as Renjun drowned in his thoughts.

“Hey, how are you feeling today?” Nurse that always took care of him came in, bringing him lunch. Renjun didn't answer. He didn't know how to; how would a person feel knowing they might die from being happy?

“That bad, huh?” Nurse pressed her lips into a thin line, and got back to preparing the table so he could eat.

“Well, if it makes you feel any better,” Renjun's eyes shot up to hers. “I believe you'll be okay. It's been 6 months, and your condition is only slowly-” Both of their eyes shot up to search for the sound of quick breathing, and shoes screeching against the floor; and Renjun could see Jeno slowly walking away from the room. His cheeks were shining in the light, eyes visibly red and puffed. 

Renjun quickly uncovered himself, pulled out his IV and ran; ran behind the crying boy. “Jeno!” When hearing Renjun's voice, Jeno started running. Before Renjun could catch him, he was already gone, God knows where. Renjun continued to run, down the hall, tears streaming down his cheeks. Not sure when Jaemin caught him into his arms when he was about to fall, he curled into him and cried loudly.

Jaemin sighed and picked him up, careied him to the room and laid him on the bed. The nurse relocated the IV and then left the room, leaving Jaemin and the crying boy alone.

“Renjun...” Jaemin's voice was full of sorrow. “Why were you chasing Jeno? Was he here?”

Renjun just bursted into more tears. He had one love of his life by his side, and the other one... Avoiding him.

“What's going on, Jaemin? What's up with him?” he asked, voice choked due to too many tears. Jaemin felt his own eyes water; the situation wasn't good for anyone. It was a love triangle, in which everyone loved everyone. When one was hurt, nobody was alright.

“I... I think he's scared.”

Renjun sarcastically laughed, laugh choked, tears falling. “Jaemin, you aren't?”

The question burned deep into Jaemin's chest. He was, he was fucking petrified. But he loved Renjun, to moon and back, and beyond. He hated the thought of the boy dying on him; but he loved him. He loved him too much to give up just because he was scared.

“I am.” “But you're here, still.” Jaemin slightly nodded, tears falling down his cheeks. “Yeah.” “Then why isn't Jeno here? Why isn't he here, crying with me, knowing I might drop fucking dead any fucking second?!” rising his voice into a yell with fists hitting his chest, he looked so pitiful. He looked so broken, so empty, only anger, frustration and tears filling him up.

Jaemin couldn't help but cry, too.

It was just... A pathetic situation, for all of them. Jaemin was broken, Renjun was broken, Jeno... How are they gonna pick themselves up? How?

“Jaemin,” Renjun whispered, voice too choked up to speak properly. “Please, hold me, please.”

How could he say no? All he wanted was to hold him, tell him everything is going to be alright. Tell him it will all be well; Jeno will come back, everything will go back to usual. If only, if only he really felt it was true.

Jaemin climbed up on the bed, laying beside Renjun, arms wrapping around him tightly. The small boy cried against his chest, his own tears slidding through his eyelashes, bouncing down his already wet cheeks and landing somewhere on his shirt.

“Is this... The end?” 

Jaemin took in a deep breath. He had to catch every small, tiny dust of courage to look at Renjun.

“No,” he whispered, lips catching his in a light, quick kiss. “I'm sure.”


	6. Crybabies, hospitals, and forgotten fries

Jaemin finally caught up to Jeno. The boy was so athletic, Jaemin had a hard time running after him. Grabbing his hand and pulling him backwards, Jeno knew he can't escape anymore.

“What the hell, I almost died catching you!” Jaemin breathed out, breathing so loud, deep it was already painfull. “Why would you run away like that,” he said, looking up at him. “It's just me.” He looked up at the younger again, breath cut away in his throat at the sight.

Jeno's eyes were full of tears, cheeks pale, nose red. He looked... So bad. So broken, so... Unwell.

“Hey, what's going on?” he whispered, voice automatically getting softer, looking at the tears slipping past his eyelashes. “You went home, even. I haven't seen you for a whole week, Jeno. What's happening?”

Jeno started hasting for air. He cried uncontrollably in the moonlight, the empty park just right for things like this to happen. Jaemin sighed, and hugged him, eyes tearing up when hearing the younger cry out into his shoulder.

After Jeno calmed down a bit, Jaemin went to the store near by and bought them coffee, something warm on this cold night.

“Here,” he said, giving Jeno the coffee and tissues to wipe his cheeks and runny nose. “So?”

Jeno released a deep breath, moving in his seat a bit. The night was so beautiful. The moonlight hit Jaemin's features gracefully, the most important thing right at the palm of his hand.

“I... How is... He?” Jaemin released a deep breath. “He's better, but has been better, too. If you know what I mean.” Jeno knows it's his fault. “He's just... So sad. He tries to tell me he's okay, but I can see him, being broken on the inside.” Jeno lowers his head between his shoulders. He's devastated. So sorry for what's going on.

“What's up with you?” Jeno released a deep breath and straightened up, head falling backwards before speaking. “The other day,” he says, tears making their way back into his eyes. “I heard him talking to the nurse.” “And?” “6 months, Jaemin. 6 fucking months, and we had no idea.” 

Jaemin suddenly felt incredibly empty. He suddenly completly understood him; all the avoiding, all the anger and tears pressed down. He was so afraid of seeing Renjun and crying into the boy's chest, he was so afraid of breaking, crumbling infront of him, that he rather stayed away and watched from distance.

“Wow,” Jaemin let out, swallowing hardly, eyes lowering on the cup in his hands. “Yeah,” Jeno said, looking at him. “I just... Don't know how to face him knowing he must've hurt all by himself for so long. And here I am, claiming I love him.” he let out, mockingly. “I should've noticed. He must've been so scared...” voice becoming quieter, he looked down his lap, tears falling across is cheeks.

Jaemin pulled him close to himself, hands wrapping around the crying boy's shoulders, Jeno's head falling to his chest, loudly hasting for air while crying. Jaemin lightly tapped his fingers across Jeno's back, the shaking body in his hands almost giving in. “It's gonna be okay,” Jaemin whispered against Jeno's hair. “It's all gonna be okay.”

After a while, Jeno calmed down a bit. His eyes were blood red at that point, and nose so red, Jaemin feared he might loose it if wiping again. He straightened up and looked at Jaemin, directly catching his eyes. He then leaned in, kissing Jaemin once, tenderly, before pulling away and hugging him. Jaemin was surprised, but returned both; the kiss and the tight hug across his shoulders.

“It's all gonna work out, right?” Jaemin took in a deep breath. Would it be okay to lie to him? Would the truth kill him? Would he... Never talk to him again if he told him the truth? “Yeah, I'm sure it will.”

Bitting his tongue once again, Jaemin cussed at himself mentally. How much longer will he be able to hide his... Secret?

“Jaemin?” “Hmm?” Jeno hugged him a tad bit tighter. “I love you.” “I love you.” 

Jaemin felt Jeno shiver with the night breeze, but the boy's tight hold around him never lessing. He felt his hot breath warm up the small patch of skin on his shoulder, the warmth calming him more than he thought it would.

“Jeno, I'm gonna fall asleep here and freeze to death.” he laughed out, lightly tugging at Jeno's shoulder. Jeno gently sighed and let go, cheeks darker in the moonlight. “It just... Felt so nice to hold you after such a long time.” Jaemin smiled widely at him, hand ruffling his hair a bit. Jeno smiled, too.

“We should get going,” Jeno said,brushing his hands together. “Actually,” Jaemin started, hand pulling Jeno's, intertwining fingers. “I was getting some fries for Renjun. I should go back.” Jeno looked at him, eyes fixed on his eyes. “We should go back.”

Jeno stayed silent for a few seconds, fingers brushing Jaemin's lovingly. “S... Sure.” Jaemin's face lit up like Christmas tree. “Really?” Jeno nodded and Jaemin stood up next to him, cupped his cheeks and pulled him into a kiss. Jeno wrapped his hands around his waist, pulling him closer to himself.

“Renjun? Are you asleep?” Renjun quickly turned his head to the sound of Jaemin's voice. “God, where have you been? You even left your phone here! I was so worried!” Jaemin entered the room, Jeno following behind him. “I found someone... On the way.”

When Renjun caught Jeno's frame into his eyes, his mouth parted in surprise. His eyes watered up too quick to say, Jeno just the same. He quickly stepped to the bed and wrapped his hands around the small boy, hugging him tightly. Renjun wrapped his hands around his shoulders, tears falling as he held him close. 

Jaemin stood back for a few minutes, letting the boys catch up, drying their tears along the way.

Jeno parted from the hug, leaned away just so he could catch Renjun's lips against his and kissed him; the kiss pure, gentle, heart tingling. Renjun pulled Jeno closer, hands slidding directly up to his neck. The kiss turned eager; eager for closeness, eager for not parting, eager for lasting forever. And yet, they parted, eyes catching into a soft stare, lips curling up into a smile.

“I missed you,” Renjun whispered, hands catching Jeno's, intertwining fingers. Jeno brushed his fingertips over the smaller knuckles, sighing. “I missed you, too. Too much.” Renjun let his smile fade. “T... Then, why didn't you come see me?”

Jeno took in a deep breath and turned to look at Jaemin. The said boy stepped closer to the bed, hand falling on Jeno's shoulder. He took in a deep breath and straightened up a bit. “I heard the other day,” he started, immediately catching Renjun's attention. “When you were talking to the nurse. I heard about the 6 months.” Renjun's lips parted in surprise.

He stared at Jeno, surprised. Eyes wide at him, throat running dry with fear. “I had... A rough time coping with it.”

Jeno's voice lingered in the air for a few moments. Jaemin sat on the bed, too, and lightly cupped Renjun's cheek, thumb running across his skin. “He, we, had hard time coping with that information because we should've seen it. Should've noticed it, should've been there for you. Instead, we did nothing, nothing at all. We were complete fools.” Renjun's eyes teared up. “We were forcing you into everything, not seeing the situation. We've been together all the time, and we never noticed a thing. It felt... Too much to handle.”

Jaemin's explanation... Made tears stroll down all of their faces. 

“We turned into such crybabies,” Jaemin suddenly laughed, the tension in the air now completely gone. Jeno smiled, Renjun let out a laugh, the room suddenly a lot more bright.

When the laughter died down, Renjun took Jaemin's hand into his, now holding both of their hands intertwined. “I'm sorry I got you into this,” Noone speaking as they both felt he will continue, the boys stared at Renjun. “But, please, know that I love you, both, so, so much.” Jaemin smiled, leaning in and pressing a kiss against his nose. “I love you, too.” Jeno smiled sleepily, kissing his hand. “I love you, both, too. So much.”

Renjun made up his mind when he was left alone for those two hours. He is going to be happy; happy he still has a life to share, happy he still has love to give, happy until he won't be able to be anymore.

“Let me take you both on a date,” Jeno said with a smile. His cheeks reddened up when he spoke, but it didn't matter to him. “When are you getting out of here?” Renjun smiled. “Tomorrow.” Jaemin took in a deep breath.

“Isn't- Is tomorrow Tuesday?” Both boys nodded. “Ah, shoot. I have to somewhere tomorrow,” Jaemin sighed. “I don't think I'll be able to come until late at night.”

If Jaemin knew he was to meet the disappointed faces they both made, he would've stayed quiet.

“I'm so sorry. Let's go some other day, huh?”

Should've he told them?


	7. The coming home tea

Renjun was happy to be home at last. A week in a place he hated most; it made his skin crawl. By the time he got home, he was already pulling Jeno into the house, knowing noone was home since his parents were working.

He closed the door behind them and pulled Jeno into a hug, tight, long hug. The taller boy first giggled, but quickly held him as tight as possibly before feeling like he might crush him.

After he run his fingers through Renjun's hair for a few minutes, he stopped and looked down at him. “Hey, everything alright?” Renjun nodded. “Stay a bit longer,” he whispered, hands pulling him back against himself. “Stay like this, for a while longer, Jeno, please.”

Who was Jeno to say no? All he wanted to do was hold him tight, too.

“Let's at least sit down, Renjun.”

“Do you want some tea?” Renjun called from the kitchen. Jeno sat on the couch, lightly fidgeting in place. “Yeah, whatever is fine.” 

In a few minutes Renjun made his way back to the living room, each hand holding a cup, a smile painted against his lips so beautifully Jeno's heart skipped a beat.

“Here,” he said, putting the cups on the table and sat down next to Jeno. Their eyes met and Renjun smiled again, nervous giggle escaping him as Jeno just kept staring. Eyes jumping from one feature to another; Renjun's lightly blushed cheeks, his beautiful melanin skin, his eyes, sparkling, his soft lips, curling up into a devine smile... Jeno couldn't help but lean in and kiss him. 

Feeling Jeno's hand come up to his cheek, Renjun kissed him back. The kiss first nothing but a soft press against his lips, but deepening into a messy, breathy, passionate kiss, and the change made Renjun slightly tug against Jeno's hair. When parting, they looked at each other and Renjun smiled a bit, catching his breath.

After settling down and sitting in each other's arms, all tangled together, they decided to watch a movie until Renjun's parents were coming back.

“What do you wanna watch?” Jeno pressed his lips into a thin line and pretended he was hardly thinking. “Whatever you like?” The answer made Renjun giggle and Jeno smiled before pressing his lips against his cheek, the kiss sweet. Renjun looked up at him, blushing. “I love you,” Jeno whispered. Their lips were only a few centimeters apart and the confession made both of their stomachs burst in butterflies. “I love you.” Jeno closed the gap between them and held Renjun close to himself; the room suddenly spinning with love and emotion he felt.

When Jeno slid his hand lower and placed it on Renjun's waist, the smaller moaned a bit, Jeno's fingers tapping against his skin, sending... Someting up the boys spine.

They broke apart as Jeno's phone rang; startling them both. Jeno pulled the phone out and looked at it, eyes sparkling as he read the name. ‘Nana.’

“Hey?” He put the phone on speaker. “Hey. You still at Renjun's?” Renjun scooped closer to the edge of the couch. “Yeah, he's still here.” “Oi, Renjun. Hey, how are you? Actually, no, don't answer that.” Jeno looked at Renjun and shook his head. “Open the damn door.”

It took Renjun a second before getting what he meant and shot up from the couch, running to the door. Opening it, Jaemin stood outside with a bright smile, one hand holding his phone, the other holding a bag full of food, both extended out, waiting to hug Renjun.

Renjun smiled and quickly hugged him, cheerful laugh escaping both of them before letting go and entering the house. Once Jaemin had hands free, Renjun quickly made his way back in them; hugging the boy with the same amount of love as he held Jeno just a few moments before. Jaemin laughed happily, hands going directly across the smaller boys shoulders, lightly drawing circles into his back.

Once he parted, he cupped his face and leaned down, intertwining their lips in a short but passionate kiss.

When they parted, Jaemin drew small circles into Renjun's cheeks, eyes scanning his face, a smile plastered on his lips while doing so. “Hey,” he whispered, finally absorbing the reality. Renjun smiled and held Jaemin's hand, placed a kiss at the end of his palm and nuzzeled into it lightly before looking up at him. “Hey.” Kissing once more, they parted and made their way to the couch, where Jeno was patiently waiting for Jaemin's lips to cover with his. The kiss was not long, but it warmed both of them on the inside.

“Didn't you say you had a thing to go to today?” Renjun asked from the kitchen, preparing the same tea both of him and Jeno already had. “Yeah, I hurried it. I wanted to be here, with both of you, so badly, I did it in such a hurry everyone was surprised.” he laughed out, catching himself in his mouth before giving himself out. It was incredibly close; but he managed.

“Oh, really? Was it important?” Jeno met Jaemin's eyes in a long stare before Jaemin smiled. “Not as important as being here.”

Jeno shyly smiled, eyes on his hands where he nervously fidget his fingers. A nervous habit of his, shy habit. “I missed you both so much today,” Jaemin started, eyes on Renjun who was just walking into the room. “What have you been up to? Did a lot without me?” Renjun shook his head as he placed the cup on the table next to theirs.

“We actually just got here, I think, an hour ago. We wanted to watch a movie before my family comes home.” Jaemin smiled approvingly. “So, should we watch a movie?”

Jeno stayed silent for a bit, but quickly rose to say his piece at the given question. “How about we go on that date, since we are all here?”

Renjun looked at Jaemin and they both smiled widely. “Ah, yeah! Let's go!” All laughter as they waited for Renjun to dress something more elegant than faded trousers and an oversized hoodie he only wore at home, Jeno and Jaemin drank the tea while chatting. The sound of their laughter made Renjun so happy, and he couldn't help but lean at the wall on top of the stairs, listening to them for a few quick seconds.

His eyes were getting shiny, but his heart was happy. He guessed it was because he knew he shouldn't be doing this, any of this; and yet he didn't have the heart to tell them off. ‘The fucking irony,’ he thought to himself as he smiled at the high pitched laughs coming from downstairs.

After feeling like he was taking too long, he made his way downstairs and retured the smile both of the boys gave him. “Shall we?” “Let's go!”

Jeno was screwed.


	8. The date we should've skipped?

“Where are we going tho?” Jaemin asked, hand in hand with both, Renjun and Jeno. Jeno sweetly smiled. “Wait and see.” Jaemin scoffed sarcastically. “You didn't plan anything,” he said, voice the tone Jeno certainly caught the sarcastic meaning. “I just knew it.” Renjun laughed along, fingers tracing Jaemin's knuckles.

“Wait and see.” Jeno laughed, eyes perfectly crooked against his rosy shaded cheeks.

They made their way to the cinema. Renjun thought it was a total cliche, but he loved it. “Seriously?” Jaemin asked, looking at Jeno. “Cinema?” “Just go along with it. It will be fun. There's more coming.” “Okay,” Jaemin whispered to himself. “Okay.”

Entering the building, Jeno went up to register to buy the tickets for some movie, neither of the boys knew which. “Jaemin.” Jaemin's eyes switched to Renjun's. “Hmm?” Renjun laced his fingers with Jaemin's. “Don't be so hard on him. I wanna have fun today,” he said, a loving smile on his lips. “Please, let's just have lots of fun today.” 

Jaemin suddenly felt really regrettable. Of course he was only joking, but looks like the boys didn't catch on and mabey he hurt their feelings... Did he ruin this perfect date?

“Jaemin?” Snapping his eyes back to Renjun, his expression was blank. “Hm?” “You were spacing out.” Jaemin smiled. Of course he was spacing out.

“Here, let's go.” Jeno came up to them, hands full, threatening to spill everything he bought. “Woah! When did you buy all this?” “Just now.” Jeno smiled widely, Renjun' and Jaemin's smile at the appearing boy making his heart flutter.

“Woah, you even bought my favourite!” Jaemin said, eyes sparkling at the items in Jeno's hands. Jeno smiled wider. His heart was so full, he wanted to kiss both of them right then and there.

“Let's go already, we will miss it.” he said, smile never disappearing from his lips.

He loved to watch them lightly skip their steps as he took smaller steps just to watch their backs; he loved the small touches they gave each other, all unobvious to the general eye. Their chemistry and love was filling Jeno's heart up to the full, and he never felt this loved by just... Being there.

Little did he know he will lose all of this in a few short moments.

“It's starting, it's starting!” Jaemin said, eyes glueing to the screen in front. Renjun lightly smiled and looked at Jeno before switching his eyes to the screen, too. The movie started playing and Renjun quietly laced fingers with both of them, fingertips unknowingly brushing against their skin softly.

As the mobie played for some time, Jeno lightly switched in his place, looking around before quickly switching his gaze to look at the boys. Renjun was watching the movie, concentrated on the screen. ‘How cute,’ Jeno thought to himself, admiring the cutely parted lips, the sparkling eyes moving along the screen.

He then adverted his eyes to look at Jaemin; he was surprised to find his eyes already on himself. Their eyes locked and Jaemin sweetly smiled, Jeno reflecting the action. 

‘I'm so happy,’ Jeno thought to himself. ‘I'm finally happy after so much fucking time.’ His eyes almost watered up.

To look back, on the past few months, there were so many tears, so many broken hearts, so many lost hopes... He never thought he will have it all back, all fixed and unbroken.

“Are you guys even watching the movie?” Renjun said, eyes still glued to the screen. Jeno smiled at the words, Jaemin doing the same, only to look around and pull Renjun into a kiss. His lips moved slowly, kiss much more passionate than other times. Renjun felt as if the boy was telling him he loves him, from the bottom of his heart.

As they parted, Jaemin softly smiled and caressed his hair, Renjun looking up at him with sparkly eyes.

Jeno was waiting patiently, knowing his turn was coming in a few moments. He was surprised by himself; he always imagined being rough and impatient with both of them, only now to realize he just wants to coat them in sugar and bubble wrap.

Renjun turned to him, hand already finding his cheek before locking lips in the same slow, passionate kiss. Jeno lightly pulled the smaller boy closer to him, sudden need to feel him closer overwhelming.

After they parted, Jaemin leaned in and pulled Jeno into a kiss, the pace and softness the same.

“Jesus Christ,” Renjun breathed out, voice only a whisper. “Holy shit.”

Jaemin and Jeno both melted into their seats, heads resting on Renjun's shoulders, hands intertwined, breaths quick. All of them smiled, let out a small laugh and scooped closer to the smaller boy.

“That was a good movie,” Renjun said, waiting for their order to arrive. “I wish I would have seen why he was shot tho.” Sarcasm heavy in his voice, he lightly pounted at the other two boys. Jeno laughed out, eyes switching to Jaemin. “You're saying that you would trade a kiss for a movie part you can see anywhere, anytime, whenever, wherever? Sure,” Jaemin said, his voice thick with pettiness. The fake pount on his lips letting both bpys know he was only joking. They all laughed, their legs unknowingly already tangling with each others below the table.

“Here's your order.” the waitress said, eyes scanning the three boys' faces before letting the platter on the table. “Thank you,” Jeno said and smiled. “Thank you for the coffee,” the other boys exclaimed, both lightly bowing before taking their drinks.

They excitedly chatted, drinks gone way before anyone noticed.

“But do you remember that summer Donghyuck and Mark had that fight? I don't wanna end up like them,” Renjun said, the tone of his voice slightly sadder. “I don't want to live a day without you.”

Raising his eyes, he caught both boys staring at him. Their eyes were piercing through him, and a few seocnds passed before he realized he was being cheesy. His hands immediately ran to his face, and he hid, embarrassed. “Oh, shit,” he mumbled, cheeks warming up under his palms.

Jeno laughed, ears turning red. Jaemin just had the biggest, sweetest smile on his lips, eyes full of love switching between Jeno and Renjun.

“I love you,” Jaemin suddenly said, voice not a whisper, but rather normal tone. Both boys looled at him in surprisement. “I, love, you. Both of you. And I'm sorry things are the way they are, but I love you. From the bottom of my heart.”

Both boys had their eyes fixed on Jaemin, who's eyes were getting, strangely enough for such a confession, way too teary. He sniffed the tears back in, a light smile plastered across his face, a silly way to reassure the boys he's okay.

“We should go on.” Jeno said, hand not failing to find Jaemin's before speaking. “We should go somewhere we can do more than speaking because right now I'm having a really hard time.” Jeno felt his ears burn up even more, but he was serious. Renjun felt his heart skip a beat, to which he wasn't sure was okay.

Paying for everyone, Jeno made quick exit after the boys, pulling them after himself right when they exited the café. “Quick.” “Yes, sir.” Renjun mockingly said, running lightly after the quickly walking boy.

Jeno pushed both of them in through the door, the door of a fancy hotel. How did they end up there? Even Jeno was surprised at the way this date was turning out.


	9. The sex, the forbidden topic, the sounds of hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STRONG SEXUAL CONTENT  
I mean most of us are here for only this lmao but to the innocent ones out there... Read at your own hahaha

“A room for three, please.” 

Jaemin and Renjun waited patiently before Jeno came back to them with a key to the room. He didn't say much, but reather pulled them by their hands to the elevator. Pressing the button to go up, his lips hit Jaemin's as soon as the door closed.

Renjun watched in awe; the small room grtting way too hot in a few seconds. “I love you, too. So, so much, Jaemin.” Jeno whispered, against his lips and Jaemin whimpered, Jeno's leg pushing between Jaemin's, touching what shouldn't be touched in a place like this. The elevator beeped and they exited, Jeno dragging both of them along to the room.

Renjun's back hit the matress first; lips traveling across his and his neck, hands roaming his body, the boy ghasping under Jeno.

Jaemin sat on the bed next to them, and leaned in to kiss Renjun when Jeno's lips left his. Renjun lightly held at Jaemin's hair, the light tug making Jaemin moan into the kiss, sending vibrations down both of the other boys' spines.

“Shit,” Renjun breathed in between kisses. “Shit, time out, time out.” Both boys pulled away quickly, both of their eyes fixed on the messy haired boy under them.

“You okay? Something wrong?” Renjun took in a few deep breaths, exhaling longer. “Shit, Renjun, are you okay?” Renjun quickly nodded his head, cheeks shading red. He started to feel embarrassed, and hid his face under his palms.

“Renjun. You sure you're okay?” Jeno's hand lightly caressed his knee, the touch way too close for Renjun's liking. “Stop.” Renjun mumbled from under his hands.

Jeno quickly stopped his hand and pulled it away. “W... Why? Are you okay?” “Are we going too fast?” Jeno's voice was covered in sadness, the sad tone making Renjun's heart shatter. “Is it too much? Your heart?” 

The slight pause made both Jeno and Jaemin swallow down a big nervous ball.

“I'm fine... I just...”

“Might come right here.”

Renjun covered his face again, bitting his lip under his hands. The confession was embarrassing to him; always so collected and put together, but always popping the cherry when even speaking of lewd things.

“Then... Should we stop?” Renjun's hands shot away from his face and he prepped himself on his elbows. “No! No,” he almost yelled, eyes piercing through Jeno's. “No, I don't wanna stop. I'm just... Ashamed.”

Jaemin pulled him up, lightly kissing him. “Why? About what?” Their eyes met and Renjun gulped hardly. ‘This is so embarrassing’, Renjun thought to himself. ‘I'm so embarrassed, holy shit.’

“I... Kind of... Don't last long.”

Renjun's words lingered in the air a bit, eyes not making contact with either of the boys. His cheeks burned up even more, chest heavy with pressure. ‘There it goes. There goes the best sex I might have ever had. There, I ruined it. I hope my heart gives out just fucking now,’ he thought to himself, the silence in the room making his thoughts explode.

“Is that all?”

Huh?

“Renjun, that's nothing to be ashamed of.” Jaemin said, the tone of his voice sweet and encouraging. “It's rather... Hot, if you ask me.” Jeno smiled and hummed, eyes full of love and adoration.

“Do you... Um... Wanna take it slower?”

Renjun felt the need to suck them both off, there an then, have them inside him, all his. “Fuck going slow.” he mumbled to himself, voice loud enough for both boys to hear him. Jaemin lightly laughed, a light ‘yeaaah’ ecaped his lips and kissed Renjun, lips going hard against each others in a passionate kiss.

Jeno lowered himself on the bed, got between Renjun's legs and climbed up, his crotch grinding against Renjun's, his lips on the boys' neck, leaving marks they'll worry about later.

“Ah, fuck,” Renjun breathed out, parting from the kiss to throw his head back in pleasure. “Shit, Jeno,” Renjun moaned, tugging at Jaemin's hair, making him moan. Jaemin turned his head to kiss Jeno, tongues fighting for domination in a messy, passionate kiss. The scene above him, Jeno's hard dick grinding against him in perfect pace, Jaemin's hand rubbing against his inner thighs...

“I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come,” Renjun moaned, voice muffeled with his hand, eyes sparkling. Suddenly, Jeno stopped, pulled away and unzipped his pants, pulling them down his thighs, to his ankles and pulled them off. Renjun moaned as he felt Jaemin's hand on his, now only a millimeter away, erection, finger circling at the tip, the small pool of the precum now seen through the thin material of his boxers.

Jeno got back between his legs, his erection griding back at Renjun's, both boys moaning at the feeling of Renjun's dick twitching.

Jaemin lowered, placed a kiss against Renjun's neck and travelled down, hands working on the shirt he was wearing. He lightly pulled it up, just enough to reveal his waist line, and leaned in, kissing his skin purple with hickeys.

Renjun moaned, louder and louder, messier and more high pitched, his climax nearing up on him. “Fuck,” Jeno let out, adoring the mess below him. “You're so fucking hot.” Renjun managed to smile a bit before thowing his head backwards, arching his back and grabbing the sheets into fists. “Fuck, I'm gonna-”

Before he could say the words, his cum poured out of him, his legs shaking with the orgasm, eyes closing, lips parting... A beautiful mess, a beautiful renesanse painting, the most beautiful porn shot, the most beautiful... Everything.

Jaemin watched him in awe, not knowing how to react, how to move, what to do. He had never seen Renjun this beautiful; of course he had always been beautiful, but this moment, this exact second, Jaemin wished he could take a photo and dedicate a whole wall just to it.

“Well, shit,” Jaemin said, his hard on ready to burst in his pants. Renjun breathed heavily, cheeks red, the slight exposed skin of his waist and hips, all marked up, the wet patch on his boxers, his still pulsating dick... Everything made both of the other boys needy, needier, to be exact.

“I'm gonna lose my mind here, today.” Jeno said, eyes scanning the mess underneath him. “Holy shit, I will lose my mind today.” Whispering before lowering and kissing him once, pulling away and then kissing Jaemin, Jeno got up from his place on the bed. He grabbed the bag they were carrying around with them and pulled the lubricants, the condoms and the wet wippes out of it, throwing them on the bed.

In the meantime, Jaemin kissed Renjun, straddeling his lap instead of getting in between his legs. Renjun had both of his hands on Jaemin's ass, tapping at the skin just below the ham of his boxers lightly.

“Shit, that was...” Renjun said, fingers intertwining with Jeno's after he came to the bed. “Amazing, yes.” “We aren't even nearly done, though.” Jeno said, getting on the bed to kiss them both. “Thank God.” Renjun said, making both of them laugh, cracking a smile, too.

After kissing for a bit, hands going places and clothes being undressed, all three boys were in their underwear, dicks fully erected, leaking precum all over. Jaemin's and Renjun's necks and chest decorated with hickeys, Jeno's a bit less.

Jaemin decided to get the action started, and kissed Renjun while placing his hand on Jeno's dick, lightly tracing his outline before pulling the boxers off just enough to wrap his hand around him. Jeno moaned loudly, head thrown back, hand full of Renjun's hair.

Boy, were his moans and groans like honey to the other boys' ears.

Jaemin started pumping him, first slow, then picked up the pace, parted from Renjun's lips to kiss Jeno's, and then let go off him, making the boy whine at the lost contact. Jaemin got up, threw his boxers away and pulled Renjun's off, too, before crawing on the bed again and pulling Jeno's off completly, too. His lips made contact with Jeno's chest, hand searching for Renjun's dick, wrapping around it the second he found him.

He kissed Jeno's skin from his chest down to his hard dick, the boy hissing above him at the action. “Wait, wait.” Jeno said, breathlessly. Jaemin sat back, waited till Jeno arranged his position. Jeno pulled a pillow under his head, laid down, and gestured Jaemin to come up to him. Renjun setteled between his legs, hands already drawing circles against the exposed skin right around his erection.

“Sit on my face,” Jeno said, both boys' eyes shooting up at him. “What?” Jaemin's voice was full of excitement, the thing Jeno was proposing on his list of to-do's once. “Sit. On. My. Face. Now,” Jeno said, voice deep, full of lust.

Jaemin didn't need to hear it twice. He threw one knee over Jeno's chest and moved forward, eyes meeting before Jeno pulled him even closer and licking over his hole immediately. Jaemin moaned loudly, hands gripping at the headboard, ass muscles tightening, the view a beautiful show for Renjun. He felt his mouth water and lightly lowered down, taking Jeno into his mouth, eyes never leaving the scene infront of him.

Jeno moaned as Renjun bobbed his head against the tip of his dick, the vibrations making Jaemin shake on top of him. “Fuck, Jaemin, turn around.” Jeno said and Jaemin did as told, no questions. Jeno's tongue found his hole again, eating him out, fingers working on getting him loose. His eyes made contact with Renjun's, a soft laugh slipping through his mouth. “Ah, shit,” Jaemin breathed, fingers tugging at the bed sheets, legs already twitching. Turning to the side, he kissed Renjun, then got back to his previous position.

Moans escaped all of them, Renjun's mouth doing wonders to Jeno, Jeno's mouth doing wonders to Jaemin, everything happening doing wonders to Renjun.

“Fuck, I'm coming, I'm gonna come, shit,” Jaemin said, legs closing around Jeno's head, shaking as he came, cum shooting across Jeno's chest. Jeno moaned, feeling Jaemin close around his fingers, the hot cum on his chest and Renjun's hot mouth making it all too much for him.

He moaned louder, tongue finally leaving Jaemin's skin. “Fu...uck.” he moaned out, his voice deep and husky as he shot his cum into Renjun's mouth, the generous amount of it spiling from the poor boys' mouth.

Jaemin pulled Renjun up, kissing him before he would swallow everything, eager to taste Jeno, too. They both moaned into the kiss, the scene above him making Jeno moan, too.

“Holy shit,” Jaemin said, finally getting off Jeno, laying on the bed with his hand in his hair, breathing heavily. “Yeah.” Jeno smiled, hair sticking to his forehead, cheeks rosy. “I love you,” Jeno said, catching his breath. “I love you both so, so, so much.”

Renjun smiled, leaning up to kiss Jeno deeply, tongues twisting against each other, hands tangling in the back of their heads.

Jeno kept kissing Renjun, knowing Jaemin needs a second to himself, the hard breaths coming from the side showing him he's right.

Jeno's hands made their way down to Renjun's thighs and he pulled him up, Renjun straddling his naked lap, the skin on skin contact making both of them moan into the kiss.

Jaemin took advantage of the position and got in between Jeno's legs, behind Renjun's exposed ass and licked a long stripe up, from his balls to his hole, the sudden touch making Renjun buckle forward, moaning as he parted from the kiss. 

“Oh, fuck, wait, wait, stop-”


	10. (Not) All on deck

“I can't- I can't breathe, wait, I-” Choking on his words, Renjun fell flat against Jeno's chest, breath as if restrained. Both Jeno's and Jaemin's eyes widened in panic as a small drop of blood dripped down his lips.

“Fucking hell,” Jaemin said, hands on his hips as they sat in the waiting area of the hospital. “Why are they taking so long, Jesus Christ. He had a fucking nose bleed. A nose bleed.” Jeno didn't say much. He fucked up. Again.

He was mentally beating himself for it. He fucked things up. Once again, he fucked things up. 

Jeno had eyes full of tears ever since they arrived at the hospital. He felt as if he didn't deserve to cry. It was all his fault. He shouldn't cry. He's stupid. He's stupid for pushing Renjun.

One hand came up to his head and he slapped himself, hand hard against his scalp, tears driping down his cheeks. “Ya, ya!! Stop!” Jaemin yelled, but hand came soft against his, stopping it mid air. And Jeno... Just collapsed. He broke apart. He shattered.

Tears fell down his cheeks unstoppably. Nothing Jaemin did could stop the tears. Literally nothing.

The doctor came out of the emergency room, turning to them immediately. “He's going to be alright. You're familiar with the syndrome he has, right?” Jaemin nodded. They sorta knew about it. Not much tho, just the basics. “It looks as if it's evolving. We aren't really sure how, or why, but right now, his heart is literally breaking apart. His case is so much different than every other case we had the chance to study, so we have little idea of what we're dealing with.” “But he's going to be okay?” Jaemin asked, only hoping to hear the best news at that moment.

“Yes, we believe so. If he follows our advices, he might just be alright after all.” Jaemin let out a deep breath of relieve. ‘Good,’ he thought to himself. ‘At least one good fucking thing.’

“You may go see him now.” Jaemin was already bowing to the doctor, a smile big on his lips. “Mister Jaemin, could you step with me for a second?” 

“Did you tell them?” Jeno still sat at the same chair, tears slowly stopping, mind blank. Jaemin took in a deep breath, looking at his direction.

“Look, I know it's none of my business, but Jaemin, you must tell them. You don't know when-” “I know. I keep trying, but the time is always wrong.” The doctor took in a deep breath. “Just make sure you don't run out of time.”

The doctor Jaemin spoke to was already a friend of his, a regular visitor at the hospital already friends with everyone. And Jaemin told the doctor everything, since they spent most of their time together.

Strangely enough, the doctor was also the head surgeon for Renjun's case, but in the end, he couldn't say anything due to the patients wishes.

“I hope I don't.”

Was Jaemin finally gonna tell them? Was he finally brave enough to do it?

The answer is, no.

“Let's go, yeah? I'm dying to see him.” Jaemin said, hand reaching out to take Jeno's. His hands were cold, but Jeno didn't even notice.

Jaemin dragged Jeno to the room where Renjun was laying, cabled up and hooked to a few different things. But, he was awake. Sitting, with a smile plastered from ear to ear.

“Hey,” Jaemin said, lips quickly pressing against Renjun's cheek before he looked at him. “How are you feeling?” “Like shit,” Renjun laughed sarcastically, voice raspy from the tube he had down his troath before. “Happy that you're here.”

Renjun's eyes made contact with the pale-faced boy standing in the door way, who's eyes were red, cheeks and nose red, lips parted in a sad way. “Hey, Jeno,” Renjun softly called, hand reaching out for him to hold.

But Jeno didn't.

“Jeno?” Renjun asked, sudden tears filling his eyes as he knew where the situation was going. Jaemin could only stand back and watch, stare at the non moving boy.

“Jeno, come on,” Renjun pleaded once more, hand still painfully reaching over at him. “Jeno... Jeno, please.”

As tears slipped past Renjun's eyes, Jeno made a mental note to never see the sad, stained cheeks again. Ever. All because of him. It was all his fault since the start. For these past months, it was all his fault. 

So, he... He should go.

“I... I can't do this.” Jeno whispered under his breath, tears falling against his skin. “Jeno!” Renjun called. But Jeno was already stepping out of the door, Jaemin taking a step after him, the boy gone before he even reached the door frame. Loud yells of Jeno's name were echoing through the hallways, a broken boy crying while running away from the mess he caused because he was just... Just too greedy.

He just ran. He wasn't looking where. If he still had some air in his lungs, he would probably run to another country at that speed. He had no idea where he was. He just ... Broke down and cried, cried hard and loud.

The doctor had to give Renjun something to calm him down, in fear of his vocal cords to be affected. He had a tube down his throat not too long ago, after all.

“He's sleeping. You should call his parents, because we aren't able to get them.” Jaemin pressed his lips into a thin line. “I will. Try to, at least. Can't promise anything.” “I know... Oh, by the way, Jaemin.” A brochure was pushed between his fingers, and Jaemin looked down, the title of it making him gag.

‘A new life to live’. What kind of shit is that?

“It's a two week program. I already checked you in, since it's appliable by doctors receipts only. Please, go. I'm sure it won't help a lot, but, please, just go.” Jaemin could barely hear the talking man, his eyes glued to the sleeping figure of the person he loved dearly, of someone who will get hurt the most after all is over.

“Jaemin?” “Hm?” “Were you listening?” Jaemin switched his eyes to the doctors and nodded. “Yeah.” “Please go. Jaemin,” the doctor looked at him serious. “I'm not telling you just as your doctor. I'm begging you, as your friend, I'm begging you to go.”

Jaemin took in a deep breath. “Okay.”

And just with that, the doctor wished him luck and skipped on his way. He had other patients too, after all.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do, hm, Renjun?” Jaemin said, tears filling his eyes. The boy was sleeping, but he was the only person he could talk to. Or at least... Think aloud with. “I can't tell you, neither do I have the heart to hurt you like that... Should I just...” The thinking made Jaemin more than sad, he was petrified of how things were working out.

Renjun was still sleeping when Jaemin called his parents and they rushed to the hospital. Jaemin kissed Renjun once before they entered the room, not sure if he would be able to do that ever again.

He got home, the apartment... empty. He felt cold.

‘The phone number you are calling isn't reachable. Try again-’

Jeno... Didn't pick up.

‘The phone number you are calling isn't reachable. Try-’

‘The phone number you are calling isn't reachable. Try aga-’

‘The phone number you are calling isn't reachab-’ “Fucking shit!!” Jaemin yelled, throwing phone far away from himself, to the other side of the room. How it didn't break was a mystery, and even he was surprised.

“What should I do? What should I... Fucking do?”

Taking a deep breath in, he felt sudden pain in his chest. ‘Fucking stress,’ Jaemin thought to himself. ‘Fucking Lee Jeno, fucking Huang Renjun. Fuck them.’

When he sat down to have a glass of water to help him concentrate, he suddenly couldn't breathe. His vision went blank and he was sure he coughed up blood.

‘911, what is your emergency?’ “I... Can't breathe.”


	11. Unanswered calls, denied feelings and broken souls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ! Brief mention of suicide !

“Renjun, you must eat. You'll have to get hospitalised at this rate.”

He just didn't care.

His world was falling apart. He was empty.

“Renjun.” his mother said, voice more stern. “Renjun, you have to-” “Leave me alone!!”

Taken a back from the yelling voice, Renjun's mother was at loss of words. She saw the eyes full of tears on her son's face, she saw that he was about to break any time soon. She just didn't know how to help him. She had no idea how to make him feel better.

“Renjun... Look, I know you haven't heard from them for a week and a half, but baby, you must eat and get healthy. At this rate, the doctor says you might get even sicker.”

Renjun scoffed. A sarcastic smile painted across his lips before disappearing as he looked out the window. “I can't get sicker, since I'm not happy. I have to be happy first, to get fucking sicker. I can't even die because-” “Huang Renjun! How are you speaking?!” His mother had eyes full of tears now, hearing the struggles of her son. “Why would you wanna die? Am I nothing?”

“You know I didn't mean it like that...” Renjun had tears strolling down his cheeks. “Mom, I miss them. I miss them so much, I might die,” he mumbled out, his mother holding him in her embrace bedore he even finished talking.

He cried loudly. He didn't care anymore. He decided he'd cry until he has no more tears.

‘The phone number you are calling isn't reachable. Try again later or leave a message after the tone.’

Renjun sighed. At this point he didn't even expect to get an answer. He pressed the green button instinctively, a habit grown on him for the past week and half. He called them, everyday. He called them, listened to the phone beeping and the lady talking, and cried. Every single day. And yet, the tears were not drying up.

‘The phone number you are calling isn't reachable. Try again later or-’

“It's raining. I hope you're dressed well,” Renjun said to himself, the room empty with noone but himself as he sat by the window of his room. 

‘The phone number you are calling isn't reachable. Try again-’

Was he going mad?

“Renjun? I made you your favourite soup. Do you wanna come down to eat?”

Renjun stared out the window. He wanted to move, but he was exhausted. He was embarrassed. He was broken. The last string of his heart was breaking and he felt absolutely miserable.

“Can... I eat here, please? The stairs tire me out.”

He heard his mother sigh into the air. “Okay.”

He heard his mother cry every night. She thought he didn't know, but he heard everything. He was a failure, a failure of a son, of a friend, of a person. He resented himself so much for his doings, knowing how wrong they were, and yet, he couldn't do anything about it. Tears just crept into his eyes everytime he took a breath.

He felt empty.

“Wait, mom?” She turned in the door frame. “Hm?” “Wait. I'm coming down to eat.”

Should he just end this? Should he just end this pathetic... Life? He was going to die anyway. Should he make it easier on himself and just end it here?

“Honey, do you want some more?” Renjun snapped back out of his thoughts. His mother waiting for an answer, father staring at him; since when was he this fucking pathetic?

“Mabey, just a bit.”

His stomach hurt. Like crazy. He ate after a whole week, afterall. It was painfull, his knees brought up to his chest, sweat forming on his forhead.

Tears filled his eyes.

Was he really so worthless? Was he really so little of a person? So little that nobody missed him?

“M... Mom.” he repeatedly called, feeling like he will pass out. He stood up, knees weak as he took stepps out of his room and down the stairs. His mind went black and he fell, unconscious to the end of the stairs.

His head hurt, like crazy. The way too familiar sound echoed in his ears. His whole body ache.

“Honey?” Opening his eyelids, he locked eyes with his mother. “Hey,” she smiled reassuringly. “How are you feeling?”

‘Like shit.’ “What happened?” “You fainted on the stairs. You, gladly, didn't break anything, but you did get a few stitches on your eyebrow.”

Not knowing what to say, he felt tears creep into his eyes again. “Hey, hey. You're okay. It will all be alright.” his mother repeatedly said, holding him close as he cried.

‘Can we really do nothing? Doctor, I think he... I don't think he even wants to live. I can't reach them, and I don't know what to do... On top of all, you're saying his heart is getting worse?’ ‘I am afraid so. Since he isn't eating well, his body isn't functioning right. He might starve himself to death at this rate.’

His mother was crying again. He was supposed to not hear them talking, but he couldn't sleep. His whole body was restless.

‘I don't know what to do, doctor.’

‘Neither do I,’ Renjun thought to himself.

“I'm losing my goddamn mind.”

‘The phone number you are calling isn't reachable. Try again later or leave a message after the tone.’

‘The phone number you are calling isn't reachable. Try again later or leave a message after the tone.’

Neither of them picked up.

And Renjun didn't feel like living anymore.


	12. All, and nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ! Mentions of suicide between the lines !

‘375 missed calls by Renjun’

Jeno sighed and shoved the phone back into his pocket.

He felt numb to everything. He knew there was no way back, yet his whole body was telling him to do so.

Shaking his head free from the thoughts, he sighed and jogged on. “Stop thinking about it.” he reminded himself out loud, taking in a deep breath. ‘You don't deserve them.’

By the next minute, his eyes were covered with tears and he bumped into a guy, not seeing where he was going. “The fuck is your fucking problem, dude?”

Jeno tired to help him get up, but the man shoved his hand away, pushing him away. And Jeno snapped. Pinning him to the floor, hitting him twice before the other turned them over and hit him. Once, twice, three times. Jeno tasted blood in his mouth.

Was this how he felt? How Renjun felt, being beaten down by his own life?

As a tear slipped past his eyelashes, the guy on top of him suddenly stopped, got off him and ran away.

He felt as if he could die.

Yelling into the air, the passersby shocked, speeding their step. How pitiful did he look, everyone thought that. How absolutely pitiful.

He laid on the floor, crying while hasting for air, the taste of blood still lingering in his mouth. He just didn't care anymore. He was... The worst.

The rain started falling. ‘The scene must be so pitiful,’ he thought to himself at one point. He eventually got up and dragged his bloodied face and bruised hands home. He took a shower, and tears just didn't stop. They kept falling. If he would be home alone, he would've probably punch a whole through the wall with all the anger he felt at himself.

‘How dare you,’ he suddenly thought. ‘How dare you thing aabout yourself, for a split second even, you fucking piece of garbage. It's all your greedy ass's fault.’

And the tears stopped. Just like always. Mabey he didn't need them at all. Mabey he only thought he loved them. Mabey it was all a lie.

A few days went by and Jeno went on with his life. He simply just... Didn't care any longer.

Jaemin on the other hand, was completly broken.

He got out of the hospital just a few minutes ago. He felt like crap. Two weeks in an artificial coma... Made his body ache all over. He really wasn't in a good position, physically or mentally. He was absolutely drained.

‘458 missed calls from Renjunie’

Jaemin ghasped at the phone. “Shit, shit, did something happen?”

‘45 missed calls from Renjun's mother’

His heart was pounding. Did something happen to Renjun? Was he alright?

Just as he wanted to call Renjun, his phone rang. ‘Renjun's mother’

He didn't hesitate a single second to answer.

“Y-yes hello? Renjun's mother?” ‘O, oh, Jaemin. I can't believe you answered.’ Jaemin tensed. She was crying?

“Y-yes, something came up. I'm sorry. How is Renjun? Is he alright?” There was a split moment of silence and Jaemin felt as if his whole world will break apart.

‘Can we talk over coffee? I don't wanna talk about this over the phone.’ “Yes, yes. Of course. But is he alright?” ‘Well... He's alive, so there's that at least. But he's not alright.’

Jaemin met up with Renjun's mother in a café. He didn't care about his looks, since he was too eager to find out what was going on with Renjun. He was tearing up while gathering the worst thoughts in his head.

“Jaemin,” Renjun's mother greeted, and Jaemin sprung up from the chair, greeting her eagerly. “Ah, ma'am,” he took her hand, bowing lowly.

“Jaemin, where have you been? Renjun and I had been calling so much, and Jeno, too. Nobody picked up.” Jaemin gulped. Should he tell her? Will she rant about it to Renjun?

“I was... Hospitalized.” Renjun's mother ghasped. Her eyes suddenly became wide as she stared at the teary boy. “I... Have lung cancer. I had been fighting it for over a year, and two weeks ago it just got so much worse. My lung was crashing and I couldn't breathe on my own, so they put me in an artificial coma. That's why... I didn't pick up. I couldn't.”

Jaemin had blurred the words out, tears falling past his eyes. Renjun's mother just stared at him. Processing the heard.

“Please, don't tell Renjun. Neither of them know. And I'd like to keep it that way,” he said. His fingers were playing with each other, eyes hung low on the coffee infront of him. “I don't have long with them anymore. I just wanna have fun.”

Renjun's mother held his hand, squeezing it. Jaemin wanted to cry, but he pulled all tears back to talk about Renjun.

“So, Renjun?” She sighed and rest her head against her hands. “He... He just stopped eating, he doesn't go out, he is practically... Just a body. There's no soul left in him. He... Thought you left him, both. Because of what he has. He said the other day,” she took in a deep breath, fighting back tears. “He said he can't even die. He wanted to die, Jaemin. He misses you so much. I don't know what happened with all three of you, or what you have going on, but he's in so much pain.”

Jaemin didn't know what to say. Did Jeno not keep in touch?

As he agreed to visit Renjun tomorrow, his mother wished him well. “Jaemin, thank you so much. I'm really so, so greatfull.” “Don't be, it wasn't supposed to happen in first place, ma'am. I'm sorry about it.” She lightly tapped on his hand. “Ai, come on. It's not like you knew you'd be sick.”

True. So why did he feel so shitty?

She got on her way and Jaemin took his way home. He checked his phone, no new calls. Or messages. He started wondering if Jeno was okay. He didn't get even one call from him. Was he really... Not missing them the slightest?

He didn't sleep at all. He checked Jeno's instagram, facebook, twitter, anything he could think about. There were zero new posts.

Where was he?

Jaemin felt restless. Should he call him?

No. If he would matter to Jeno, he would've called already. But he didn't, so there's that. “He doesn't care about us the slightest, huh?”

Tears stained his pillow as he stared at the wall, something in him breaking apart beyond repair.

At least he still had Renjun.


	13. Bringing people along

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ! Mentions of suicide between the lines !

“Honey, I brought someone.” Renjun didn't even want to look. Was it just another shrink?

“I'll leave you two alone.” Renjun sighed. He wanted to get out of there. But, where would he go? He was in his room, lost.

“Renjunie,” Jaemin whispered, voice breaking with tears. The familiar voice made Renjun's eyes wide, the hair on his body stand. Did he hear it right?

He turned to catch the talking frame into his eyes, tears already spilling before even taking a good look. 

As sson as they locked eyes, Jaemin almost ran to the seated boy, wrapping arms around him. Renjun hugged him back, crying hard into his shoulder. They were both hasting for air, tears staining both of their shirts, gripping onto each other as if they were holding for life.

As they parted, Renjun stood up and pulled Jaemin close to himself again, face burried in his neck. Jaemin wrapped his arms around him, holding him tight while leaning against the window.

They didn't talk, but it wasn't awkward. It wasn't hard for Renjun to finally feel like himself again, even if only for a few seconds.

When they parted, Jaemin took Renjun to his bed where they sat down to talk, mostly.

“I'm sorry,” Jaemin said, cutting the tension rising when none of them knew what to say first. “I really am so sorry, I didn't intent to ignore or disappear, I just had a situation where I couldn't... I have absolutely no explanation or excuse, so just please know it was against my will.” Renjun stayed quiet for a second, just staring at him. His eyes scanned his face, his hands fidgeting with each other while he prayed he wouldn't ask any further.

“I love you,” Renjun suddenly let out, words delicate. So delicate, in fact, that Jaemin didn't know if he heard right; nonetheless, his cheeks stained in another set of tears. All he could do was cry. 

Renjun wrapped his hands around Jaemin's neck and pulled him closer, lips gently pressing together into a delicate, teary kiss. Jaemin pulled him even closer, fingers running along the smaller boy's waist and back, fingertips brushing over the so much skinnier body. He parted, looking at Renjun's body. 

The sight made him ghasp. The clothes he wore regularly so much bigger on him, his cheeks more hollowed than before. He had dark circles under his eyes, skin pale.

“Renjun...” As a tear slipped past his eyelashes, Jaemin took in a shallow breath, shaky. Renjun was no different; they were both tearing up again, fingertips brushing the exhausted bodies, hands shaking while doing so.

“You got so skinny,” Jaemin whispered, afraid his voice might crack when speaking. “Fuck, you're so thin, Renjun, I'm so sorry.” Jaemin cried out, air in his lungs short.

“I missed you,” Renjun breathed out, tears staining his cheeks, too. “I missed you so much, I was worried something happened to you, so I just... Couldn't...” “Do anything?” Jaemin knew what Renjun was going to say. If he wasn't in a coma, he'd probably die of starvation, waiting for something, someone to call back. 

Renjun nodded. Jaemin pulled him into a hug, hands running over his back and one tucking in his hair, caressing him. “I'm so sorry, Renjun. I should've been here,” Jaemin whispered against his neck. “I'm so sorry.” 

And Renjun broke down, pieces by pieces. Crying into the shoulder of one boy he loved dearly, hoping he'd never leave.

They talked for a bit, Renjun's mother brought them something to eat and almost cried seeing Renjun smile after almost a month and a half. After eating, Jaemin noticed Renjun was dozing off. His skin looked much better, the color back in his cheeks. Jaemin pulled him closer to himself, placed a kiss on his nose, lightly brushed the, now, longer hair away from his forehead and placed a kiss there, too.

“I'm sorry this shit's happening. I love you, I would never want to hurt you,” Jaemin whispered, carefull not to wake the smaller boy up. “I love you so much. So, so much.”

He placed another kiss on his forehead and wrapped his hands around his waist, chin resting on his head. He smiled after hearing the quiet whimpers coming from the boy in his hands, nuzzling even closer to his chest.

He fell asleep, too. When he woke up, they were covered with a blanket, safely tucked in. Jaemin realised Renjun's mother was probably in the room, the smell of hot chocolate coming from the table confirming his suspicions.

Suddenly, Jaemin's phone rang. He quickly dipped his hand in his pocket and pressed the button to shush the loud ringing and then looked at Renjun.

He was still sleeping. Jaemin felt relieved.

He then turned his eyes on the still vibrating phone. His eyes widered as he read the name, and he quickly got out of bed, and stood by the window, answering quietly 

“Hello?” There was silence coming from the other side. Jaemin knew he was unable to speak when he heard the shallow breaths and sniffy sounds. The boy was crying.

“Jeno, where are you?”

Jaemin fought the urge to scream through the phone, but decided the situation was bad enough. And after all, he only wanted to hold the boy close, even if it's for the last time.

“Jeno... Please. Tell me where you are, I'll come see you, we can talk it-” “Don't come.” Jeno blurred out, the tone of his voice immediately letting Jaemin know the boy was drunk.

“Jeno, are you drunk? Where are you?” Jeno sighed loudly. A moment of silence went by and Jeno finally decided to speak. “I'm in a bad place, Jaemin. Bad, bad, bad place...” Jaemin knew what he ment by it. They were all in a bad place, mentally. Exhausted over belief.

“Jaemin...” Jeno cried out. “Jaemin...” Jaemin had to push back the tears forming in his eyes. “Jeno, tell me where you are. I'll come get you.” “Jaemin, I miss you guys so much.”

Jeno hung up. After saying it, Jeno hung up. When Jaemin called him back, his phone was already unreachable. It broke Jaemin on a whole another level.

“Jaemin? Are you okay?” The soft, concerned voice coming from the bed made Jaemin's eyes catch Renjun's into a delicate gaze. “Yeah. I'm okay.” “Come here,” Renjun whispered, arms open and ready to hold Jaemin. The boy smiled and walked to the table, grabbed the hot chocolate and stepped to the bed, sitting down next to him. Renjun pulled Jaemin into a kiss, lips gentle against one another. After parting, Renjun lightly smiled, kissed Jaemin's nose and took one cup out of his hands.

“Renjun? Are you still sleeping?” Renjun's mother came into the room, carefully talking and stepping through the door. Upon finding the boys awake, she smiled brightly. “Oh, baby, you look so much better,” she said, tears in her eyes, almost over spilling. “Uh, I, I made dinner. Do you wanna come down to eat?” Renjun looked at Jaemin and smiled. “Yes.”

A few days passed. Jaemin kept sleeping over at Renjun's place, the boy eating and sleeping fine in comparison to before. His mother was overly grateful to Jaemin.

Although Renjun seemed fine, Jaemin knew he was far from it. He still slipped a few phone calls Jeno's way, cried when he thought he was alone. But Jaemin knew, and it made him feel worthless, to say the least.

“Jaemin, sweetie?” Renjun's mother was late for work, and still had to go to the market. Jaemin came down the stairs, lips plump from kissing Renjun. “Yes, ma'am?” “Can you go to the market for me, please? I'll give you a list and the money,” she came to the stairs, waddling on one leg as she hurried to put the other shoe on. “Yes, of course.”

And so, he found his way to the market. The grocery list was too long, Jaemin felt. How the hell would he get all the things back home? ‘Back home...’ Jaemin thought. He felt a spear through his chest. ‘Renjun...’ 

He often wondered past the few days he was there; was Renjun more in love with Jeno? Why wasn't he grateful Jaemin was there? Why did he spend his showers crying? Was Jaemin not... A good option?

“That will be 127, 21.” Jawmin politely smiled at the cashier and gave her the money. She returned the polite smile and wished Jaemin a good day.

Jaemin sat down at the bathroom area, trying to find someone to watch the groceries so he could go and relieve himself. The cart full of bags was pulled to the bench, Jaemin nervously pacing around it. The hour was ... A bit late for people with jobs to come there, so the place was rather empty.

As a person finally showed up, Jaemin didn't bother to see who he was. He jumped from his seat and politely called for the person's attention. 

“Jeno...”


	14. More lies?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ! Mentions of suicide between the lines !

“Go.”

Jaemin doubted he heard right. His eyes were covered with tears, so he decided he'll rather go before Jeno changes his mind.

He entered the bathroom, did his business and washed his face, breath shallow. He wanted to calm down, wanted to stop crying, wanted to yell and shout at Jeno for being so reckless. But the tears didn't stop and Jaemin took in a deeper breath, the air stinging in his lungs.

He walked out, stepps quick to the seated boy, wrapping his arms around his torso when reaching him. He cried loudly, shaking in the boy's hands. Jeno released a deep breath, full of sorrow and wrapped his arms around Jaemin tightly, cheek burrying in the side of Jaemin's neck. Jeno cried, too, and his tears stained Jaemin's shirt.

“Fuck, Jeno,” Jaemin breathed out, finally catching a breath. They sat down on the bench, wipping the tears as if there was a difference. “Why do you have a blue eye?” Jeno sighed and turned his head away.

“Jeno...” “I... The other day...” He played with his fingers, breath shaky. “When I called. I was drunk.” Jaemin felt a tear pass his eyelashes and he nodded. “I know.” Jeno pressed his lips into a thin line. “I got into a fight,” he whispered, tearsover spilling again.

Jaemin laced his fingers with Jeno's. The feeling was captivating, after so long.

“H- How's...” “Renjun? He's alright. Has been better, but we manage.” Jaemin waited to see the reaction on Jeno's face. He was surprised upon seeing the boy's regretful face; eyes tearing with the amount of tears, lips releasing a sigh from the bottom of his heart. Jaemin almost cried watching him. “What do you think? We haven't seen you for almost two fucking months, you didn't even answer our calls. How do you think he would be? Fucking fine? Jeno,” Jaemin's voice was stern as he leaned closer to Jeno, wipping away some tears. “We were both fucking petrified something happened to you. Renjun stopped eating for almost two weeks, he's been to hospital 4 times already in these two months. How do you think he is?”

Jeno released a deep breath. “He's not alright. He misses you. I miss you. We both do,” Jaemin whispered, tears coming to his eyes, overspilling. Jeno faught back the lump in his throat to speak, but could only pull Jaemin into a hug, crying into his shoulder.

“I... Miss you, too. I just know I'm no good,” Jeno breathed out against Jaemin's shoulder. “I am absolutely no fucking good.”

Jaemin pulled away and looked at Jeno. He laced their hands together, holding his tight. “Why are you saying that?” A loud, painful sigh came from Jeno's lips. “I... I just don't know how to love him. I'm too greedy to wait for him, so I'm afraid i might...” he took in a deep breath, coughing in order to get the lump from his throat. “I'm afraid I might get him killed, with my greed. I'm afraid I might hurt him, and we both lose him. Jaemin,” Jeno looked broken. Jaemin couldn't help but cry with him. “I can't love him. I don't know how to love him without both of us losing him.”

Renjun. The boy they both loved dearly. The boy who simmed to love one boy a bit more than the other.

“Jeno, come with me.”

As their eyes met, Jaemin pulled Jeno into a gentle kiss. Jeno kissed him back, not wasting a single second. “Please, come with me.” “Where?” 

“To Renjun's.”

Jeno gulped. He was dying to see him. He was dying to hold him. He was dying to see them together. He was dying to hold them both. He should go-

“I'm not sure...” “Jeno, please. I can't take all the groceries by myself, anyways. Please,” Jaemin pleaded, hands holding Jeno's up to his lips. He kissed the back of his hands once, hearing Jeno giggle a bit at the tickling sensation. “Please.”

“Okay.” He was stubborn. He was absolutely stubborn. Jaemin would bet anything that he wouldn't want to go. He would bet everything that if they didn't accidentally met there, Jeno wouldn't call or come see them. He would bet his life for it-

Jeno released a deep breath. His hands were shaking as he took the grocery bags out of the cart, Jaemin noticing. He switched one bag to the other hand and laced his fingers with Jeno's, holding his hand and the grocery bag. Jeno smiled lightly, pressed a kiss against his hand and they took on their way.

The door bell rang and Renjun walked over, opening the door, freezing on spot.

“Hey, I, um, found someone on the way.”

And as soon as Jaemin was out of the way, Renjun had his arms wrapped around Jeno, crying hysterically into his shoulder, fingers grabbing anything to pull him closer. Jeno wrapped his arms around the small of the boy's back, careful.

Jaemin put away the groceries as Jeno and Renjun sat on the sofa, still trying to calm themselves down.

Jaemin came to the living room, two cups of tea in his hands, placing them before the two crying boys. “Thank you.” Jaemin smiled at Jeno, and the red nosed boy smiled lightly back. Jaemin sat down beside Renjun, Renjun's hand finding his immediately, much to his surprise. 

Mabey he did love them both equally.

“We bumped into each other at the market. I dropped my phone and he picked it up, hitting the corner of a shelf with his eye.”

Jeno looked at Jaemin, confused. Jaemin lightly smiled at him, shaking his head, signalling at Renjun. Jeno got the memo.

“Yeah, I hit it dead on.” Renjun lightly laughed, leaning in closer to Jeno, looking at the bruised eye. “You should've been careful!” Jeno laughed a bit. He owed Jaemin his whole heart for saving him. “So, Jeno... I think we should talk.”

Jeno gulped a bit, eyes falling down to the two hands, entwined on his lap. He felt warm, looking at it.

“Yeah, we should.”

The room became silent for a few tensed moments. Renjun could feel his eyes fill up again, Jaemin was already fighting them back. Jeno had a hard time finding the right words, the words he would say without his voice breaking apart.

“I... I'm sorry.” he started, taking in a deep breath. “I'm sorry I wasn't here. I'm sorry I didn't call, I'm sorry I didn't check up on you, I'm sorry I ran away. I'm sorry for being such a wuss,” his voice on the verge of breaking, he stopped, took in a deep breath, seyes searching for Renjun's. When making contact, Jeno felt tears slipping out of his eyes.

“I just... Don't know how to love you without losing you in the end. I'm...” looking away from Renjun, he sighed, closing his eyes. “I'm too greedy.” he whispered, voice breaking even in a whisper.

Renjun nodded, bitting his lower lip as tears kept falling. “Jeno... Hey,” bringing his chin up to meet his eyes, Renjun lightly smiled at Jeno. “I love you.”

And Jeno fell apart. Piece by piece, his whole body was ready to shutter. All he could do was kiss Renjun back, hand wrapping around his back, pulling him closer, crying.

Jaemin cried silently. Was he even supposed to be here? Was he an intruder at a tile like this? Should he leave-

Renjun reached out and pulled him into a kiss, all doubts disappearing on Jaemin. Renjun pressed his forehead against his, taking in a few deep breaths before smiling lightly. “I love you, Jaemin.” Jaemin felt relieved; finally able to smile with a happy feeling, he let his lips curl up, eyes sparkling with tears. “I love you, Renjun.”

Renjun smiled once again, kissing Jaemin before looking at Jeno, kissing him and smiling at him, too.

“I love you, Jeno. It might be too soon to say it, but I forgive you. I forgive you for not returning my calls, for not being here, for not caring. I forgive you. Just,” he took in a deep breath, lacing fingers with both of them again. “Just promise me you'll stay. No matter what happens. Let's just stay like this, together, please.” A tear past Renjun's eyes. Should he tell them? Should he tell them the truth?

“Let's take it slow, like dates and stuff first. Let's take all the time we need, at the pace we want. Let's just be happy, for Christ's sake.”

He wanted to be happy, just to die as soon as possible. He didn't care about life anymore, he only wanted to die in their arms.

He wanted to die happy.

Jeno pulled Renjun's hand up to his lips, kissed it once and smiled lightly. “I love you. And I... Am not going anywhere. Not anymore.” Jaemin reached out his other hand and scooped closer to Renjun, the reaching hand taking Jeno's, lacing fingers. “I love you, both. So, so much. And,” he said, smiling at both of them even though his cheeks were stained with tears. “I promise I'm not going anywhere.”

A lie. He just told them... Another lie. In about half a year, he will be no more.


	15. Full house and hickeys, bad thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of smut towards the end.

“Guys,” Jaemin said, turning around on the bed. “I got a nice date place. I reserved it for three weeks from now.” Renjun smiled, Jeno following after. “Oh, yeah! Can you tell us where you'll be taking us?” Jaemin sarcastically scoffed. “Like I ever would!”

The three laughed. How beautiful did their laughs sound together.

Finally.

“Renjun, where are we going tomorrow?” Renjun smiled at the two of them. “I wanna stay in bed, truthfully.” he said, laughing out.

Jeno was back, and this was their third day since coming back together. Both Jaemin and Jeno stayed at Renjun's, his mother loving the company.

It almost seemed surreal to Jaemin, how quick Renjun came back to being himself. After two months of crying, he switched up completely just upon laying his eyes on Jeno. It seemed almost fake. The spark in his eyes.

“Okay, bed it is!” Jaemin laughed, stepping over to the bed and laying on top of both of them, hands wrapped around their waists. Renjun laughed a bit, hands quick to hold him, too. Jeno was quietly laughing, hand gently pressed against his waist. “Bed it is.”

Jaemin started dozing off, hand brushing through his hair making him even more sleepy. Jeno let go off him, scooped a bit to the side and let Jaemin roll in between them. Jeno then laid back down and wrapped his hand around Jaemin's waist, fingers gently drawing circles across his pullover. Renjun kept brushing his hair, hand effortlessly going back into the same motion, making the boy too sleepy to handle. “If you don't stop, I'll fall asleep.” he whispered, voice already dressed in thick haze. Renjun smiled. “You can fall asleep, we aren't going anywhere.” Jeno placed a kiss against his cheek, smiling at the content smirk that came onto Jaemin's face. He hummed in approval, closing his eyes completly.

He reached out his hands and took one of Jeno's and one of Renjun's hands, lacing fingers together. Falling asleep, the feeling of his hair being played with not stopping, Jaemin's cheeks warmed up.

How much did he wish it would last.

When Jaemin woke up, he found himself alone in the room. Suspecting they must've not fallen asleep and go do something in order to not disturbe him, he sighed to himself. “Why do they keep leaving me behind?”

Jaemin got out of the bed, his head dizzy from standing so quickly. “Ah, fuck,” he whispered to himself, hands covering his ears, collapsing against the side of the bed. His vision became blank for a second as he pressed his thighs close to his chest and took in a few quick, deep breaths, cough creeping on him while doing so. He tried to calm down, shaking, another cough escaping him, and he coughed into his hands. Blood.

“Shit,” he let out, completely dumbfounded. “Shit, shit, shit,” his eyes filled with tears and he took in a short breath, gulping at the lingering taste of his own blood.

After calming down, he made his way to the bathroom, careful not to get caught.

He washed his hands and face, freshing up. The tears in his eyes were still there, the painfull cough suppressed into his lungs. ‘God, it stings,’ he thought to himself, wipping the tears from his eyes.

He stepped out of the bathroom, went down the hall and froze at the top of the staircase, hearing Jeno and Renjun laugh.

He felt like a spear was lodged between his ribs.

“Oi, Jaemin!” Renjun laughed, looking at his direction, Jaemin quickly noticing the situation. Jeno had Renjun pinned down at the couch, the hickeys popping from Renjun's neck letting Jaemin know exactly what was going on.

“Hey, did we wake you up?” Jaemin gulped, eyes turning away from Jeno, who's voice was left to linger in the air.

“Come here,” Renjun said, arms swinging open at the boy, the only difference in their pose Jeno's hands releasing Renjun's. Jaemin would lie if he said he didn't feel left out.

Jaemin decided to keep his mind neutral, since he might be seeing them the last time, anyways.

He lightly smiled, his whole body relaxing with the smile. Why would he always think the worst? He was asleep, and they came downstairs to let him sleep. Or did they?

Jaemin made his way over to the boys, hand running over Jeno's back before tucking in his hair lightly, eyes making contact with him before lips entwined, the kiss gentle and light, full of love. Jaemin then parted, the hand tucking in his hair pulling him closer, and he leaned down, kissing Renjun as well. Jeno lightly caresseda small of his thigh, fingers tapping at the skin just to feel something.

After Renjun and Jaemin parted, Jaemin couldn't help but admire the purples blooming all over Renjun's neck. His mouth watered when he ran a hand over one of them, the skin still moist. He straightened up, and looked at both of them.

“Is this what you do after making me go to sleep?”

His tone was sarcastic, yet both of the boys's bodies froze, Jeno sitting up on his spot, Renjun prepping on his elbows. Expecting a completely different reaction, Jaemin panicked. “I'm just joking,” a smile appearing on all of their faces when the words were spoken. “No, but, seriously. Did you make me fall asleep so you two could do these pervy things without me?” Jaemin said, tone of his voice whiny and Jeno laughed while Renjun smiled widely. “Hmm?”

Jeno laughed, and pulled Jaemin closer to himself. “Come here,” he said with a smile, pulling him on top of his lap, Jaemin's hands quickly placed on Jeno's chest for support. Jeno then looked at him, scanning his face for a bit before kissing him once and let the pecks travel from the corner of his mouth to the side of his neck, stopping just to suck on the skin. Jeno's hands made their way under Jaemin's shirt, lightly tapping at the skin, the touch so soft it made a shiver send down Jaemin's spine. “Ah,” Jaemin let out, Jeno's lips working on a new hickey, their laps ever so slightly grinding against each other.

When Jeno parted, he looked at Jaemin, his eyes scanning the, now, blushed cheeks, hazy eyes, lightly parted lips. “Holy shit,” Renjun whispered, laying on the couch, head resting against the armrest, one hand on his stomach, the shirt rolled up just enough to expose his waist line, the other in his hair, lightly tucking at it.

Both boys looked at him, the first thing coming to their eyes the small bulge in Renjun's pants. Jaemin let out a shaky breath, Jeno's grip on Jaemin's waist lightly hardening.

“Fuck,” Renjun whispered, the bulge in his pants just rising as the boys stared at it. “Yeah, shit,” Jaemin whispered, eyes scanning Renjun's flushed face, plump lips. “Shit, we suck at going slow, you know that?” All three laughed a little, their laughs dying as they looked at each other again.

Jaemin felt Jeno's hands lower down to his ass, his dick semi-hard pressing up against him. After they made eye contact, Jeno leaned in and kissed him, hands gropping his ass, pulling him closer. Jaemin let one hand wrap around Jeno's neck, the other cupped his cheek, pressing closer and deepening the kiss.

Both boys smiled into the kiss after hearing Renjun curse and parted, looking at each other, then at him.

Just as Jaemin stepped off Jeno, took a step to Renjun and leaned in to kiss him, a key was heared putting into the front door. All three boys widered their eyes, Renjun and Jaemin quickly running upstairs, their necks covered in hickeys really not up for a show. Jeno quickly set the couch again, sitting down, lightly fixing his messy hair.

‘Holy shit, that was close.’

“Oh, Jeno. Where are the other two?” Renjun's mother. Jeno felt anxious. It would be embarrassing if she caught them.

“They're upstairs. They spilled some coffee on themselves.”

Renjun's mother smiled. “Clumsy boys. Wanna help me with dinner?” Jeno didn't have anything else to do, anyways.

He quickly typed a message, a small chuckle leaving his lungs at the cheesy reply.

‘Renjun, mother's here. You poured coffee on yourselves, I'm helping her with the dinner.’

‘Oi, what about us?’

‘You have each other, I'll just have you both later,’

“Ye.”

He was sure both of them were flushed red, their whole bodies shaking with embarrassment. 

Renjun looled at Jaemin after reading the group chat. Jaemin met his eyes, lips parted, scanning his face. “Do you... Um... Do you want me to... Help you?”

Renjun didn't say anything, but rather stood up and tossed the phone on the other side of the bed, then stepped over to Jaemin and sat on his lap, puhing him backwards against the bed, kissing him. Jaemin's hands made their way up to Renjun's waist, then quickly lowered down to his ass, pulling him closer. Renjun pulled away, eyes scanning Jaemin's face. “Shit, we suck at going slow,” he whispered, lips only a few millimeters away from Jaemin's. “Yeah, we do.” Renjun smiled, and then kissed Jaemin, hands up into his hair lightly playing with it as their tongues fought for domination.

Renjun then sat up, the new angle making him ghasp when feeling Jaemin's bulge right under himself. “Oh, shit,” he whispered, eyes meeting Jaemin's after biting his lip. “You're hard.” Jaemin furrowed his eyebrows. “Am, am I the only one?” Renjun's cheeks rosed up a bit more. “No, I'm hard, too.” he mumbled, lifting his shirt just enough for Jaemin to see the hugh rising dent in his pants.

“Shit.”

A mess. They were a mess. It felt so wrong to do anything while Renjun's mother was in the house, but they couldn't stop. There was no way back, they reckoned.

“Wanna ride me?” Jaemin whispered, eyes hazy as Renjun looked down on him. “Dry hump?” “Yeah,” Jaemin kept his voice low, afraid of getting caught if heared. And when Renjun bent down, catching Jaemin's lips into his, he started rocking his hips a bit, two soft materials of their tracksuits perfectly sliding over each other. A low whine left Renjun as he felt Jaemin's bulge brush right against him, parting from the kiss to take in a deeper breath. He sat back up, hands on Jaemin's chest as he grinded down against him, panting while moving, making sure to keep it quiet. “Shit, Renjun,” Jaemin whispered, hands gripping his hips so hard he thought he might bruise him up. “Ah, fuck, I'm close, Jaemin,” Renjun moaned, the moan a barely heard whisper, ment for only Jaemin.

Renjun's thrusts started getting sloppier and Jaemin let go off one of his sodes and let it slide down Renjun's pants, wrapping around his dick. Renjun let out a louder ghasp, both boys freezing on spot, only to laugh a little when only Jeno's laughter and the mother's talking could be heard. “Shit, be careful,” Jaemin whispered, running a hand over the slit of his head, Renjun letting out a muffled whimper. He nodded and started moving his hips again, fucking down against Jaemin and into his hand, double the pleasure driving him insane. 

“Shit, I'm gonna come,” Jaemin whispered, neck veins straining as he held in the moans. Renjun only nodded, afraid of spilling his whining and moans everywhere. Jaemin pulled him lower, lips entwined as they both came, almost too loudly, moaning into each others mouth. Renjun's thighs twitched agaist Jaemin's hips, his dick twitching against his hand, his cum staining everything it could. Jaemin came in his pants, a wet patch visible on the grey tracksuit.

“Shit,” Jaemin mumbled, hand running through his hair breath too quick for his own good. Renjun smiled sheepishly and peck his lips once before rolling off him, breath deep and quick. They entwined their hands, smiling at each other. 

“I'm glad I didn't let your mother upstairs,” a voice said, coming from the doors, both boys jumping at it. Upon meeting Jeno's eyes, they both sighed. “I would never wanna miss what I just saw.” Renjun furrowed his brows. “How long were you standing there?” Jeno smirked. “Enough.”

Jaemin and Renjun looked at each other and sighed, smiling. “Whatever,” Renjun whispered and leaned over, kissing Jaemin. Jeno took in a deep breath, walked over to the bed and pulled them apart, pinning first Renjun then Jaemin under himself, kissing them. After parting, he stood back up and took in a deep breath.

“Clean up. Dinner's in 10. And cover the hickeys.”


	16. Shower thoughts, broken breaths and doubts

“So, what did you do today?”

The question made both Renjun and Jaemin choke on air. What did they do, except things they shouldn't mention?

“Not much, we took a nap while watching a movie.” Jeno answered, a small smile on his face as he looked at the mother. She smiled and nodded. “Were you tired?” “We just slept bad today, the room was too hot at night.” Renjun looked at Jeno in disbelief. ‘Don't rant us out,’ was his only thought.

“Oh, really? You should've turned the temperature down!” Jeno laughed with her, Jaemin and Renjun exchanging looks. 

The dinner ended quickly, since the mother insisted they should go to bed after knowing they slept poorly. Jeno was quick to agree, the other two hesitant as to what was going to happen once they are left alone.

“Thank you for the food,” Jaemin said, the mother bowing lightly. She then asked him to stay a bit longer, expressing her wish to talk with him.

“How are you doing, Jaemin? Is everything okay?” How should he answer? Tell her he's slowly dying? “Yes, for now. Why do you ask?” She pressed her lips into a straight line, furrowing her eyebrows. “Are you sure? Is it progressing? Because you're getting skinnier and paler, you know?” Jaemin tried to laugh it off. “I guess it's just a cold, ma'am. I'm okay.” For now.

After talking for a bit more, she sent him upstairs, eager to get them to bed since they didn't sleep at all.

Renjun took a shower while Jaemin was gone, the two boys meeting in the door frame of Renjun's bedroom. Jaemin couldn't help but let his eyes wander down the naked torso of the boy standing infront of him. “S, sorry, I forgot my clothes...” Jaemin finally snapped out of it and looked up at his face, noticing his cheeks were fully red, blush creeping across his chest as well. “That's- That's okay.” It wasn't awkward, it was rather electrifying. It has been two months since Jaemin saw Renjun without his clothes. He looked healthier, almost fuller than before.

“Come, you'll get cold,” Jaemin said, pulling him along into the room, closing the door behind him. Jeno let out a small ghasp, eyes switching between his phone and Renjun. “I forgot my, um, clothes. Sorry.” Jeno lightly smiled, the smile fading quickly. “That's fine,” he mumbled, eyes adverting away from his skin and making contact with Jaemin's. “You wanna take a shower, too?” “Y, yeah.” Jaemin just wanted to be clean and sleep. Was Jeno thinking about something else?

“Okay, go on. I'll go after you.” “Sure.” Jaemin took his pajama quickly, tossed a towel over his shoulder and took on his way. He felt hot, even if not knowing why.

“Um,” Renjun started, still uncomfortably switching in his towel, waiting for Jeno's attention to tell him to look away. Upon hearing his voice, Jeno turned his eyes to him, eyes quickly scanning his body then focused back on the phone. “Yeah?” “C... Can you look away, please?” Jeno smiled to himself and shook his head lightly.

“Sure.” Renjun didn't really want for him to look away; he wanted to show off to him, all the hickeys ruining his smooth skin, all the weight he put on holding his body in the best way, looking delicious, if you will.

Upon hearing the response and seeing Jeno actually turned away, he felt a bit sad.

Renjun eyed Jeno with every piece of clothing he put on, wanting to find his eyes on him; the search dry everytime. In the end, he gave up.

“Jeno, it's free.” Jaemin said, walking through the door, hands in his hair, trying to dry it out, fully clothed. Jeno's eyes shot up to him, only a quick nod his way and he was already out of the room.

“What was that all about? Did you two fight?” Renjun looked at Jaemin, still buttoning up the pajama shirt he had just dressed a solid minute ago. “No? We didn't fight. He didn't even talk to me. I asked him to turn away to redress and he actually did.” Jaemin let his eyes widen at Renjun. “He turned away?” “Yes!” “Who would do that? After what he saw before? I'd be so fucking turned on you both would be pinned to the bed, like, 15 minutes ago!” “I know!”

Both taking a second to calm down, they let their breaths regulate. “Is anything wrong? Is he feeling sick or something?” Renjun shook his head. “He seemed fine to me.” “Then, let's just... Talk it out, I guess.” Renjun nodded. This was something all of them needed. A talk.

Jeno took his sweet time at the bathroom, and Jaemin figured why. He was probably waiting for them to be asleep by the time he gets back to the room; not having to deal with them. Little did he know that the boys were waiting for him, everything but asleep.

Jeno stepped into the shower, taking at least 10 minutes before undressing, sitting on the toilet. He didn't do much; stared into the void, eyes getting teary as his hard on pressed out of it's way. He leaned forward and burried his hands in his hair, palms pressing against his eyes. He was breaking.

The shower kept going and going. The water was hitting on his skin, every drop drolling down his body making him anxious. He dragged his hand up and down his painfully hard dick, hasting for air in mist of crying. When did he become so pathetic? So uneasy to love? So uneasy to touch? So forced to everything?

He leaned his forhead against the wall, the cold tiles calming him down a bit. He then picked up the speed of his hand, throwing his head backwards whike surpressing a moan; cumming over his fingers and the shower floor, legs shaking. “Shit,” he whispered, breath hitching in amongst the tears staining his, although soaked, cheeks. “Shit, shit, shit.” 

What is he supposed to do now?

“Jeno? Are you alright in there?” Jaemin lightly knocked on the bathroom door, too tired of waiting for him to come back after what felt like an hour.

“Jeno? Are you okay?” Renjun felt restless. He was suddenly scared. So scared it made all the blood drain from his face. Knocking again with more force, he took in a sharp breath. “Jeno?”

Both of their breaths stopped in their lungs when they heard a sniffle from the other side. “J- Jeno? Are you crying?” When he didn't give an answer, Jaemin let out a breath. He didn't know why, but his eyes were full of tears.

“Jeno, open the door.” he asked softly, the tone of his voice so soft it made both him and Jeno burst into tears. Renjun felt his cheeks stain with tears as well, breathing uncontrollable. “Jeno, what's going on? Open the door,” Renjun pleaded. His voice was breaking.

“Jeno, please, let's talk.” Jaemin whispered, afraid his voice might give in.

Jeno reached for the door knob, to turn the key, his fingers shaking. His heart sunk upon hearing Renjun sniffle and Jaemin's shallow breathing. He hurt them, again, didn't he?

When he opened the door slowly, Renjun quickly wrapped his hands around him, hugging him tightly. Jeno felt anxious. “Renjun... Can... Can we talk, please?” Hearing the question, Renjun let go off him, realizing Jeno's hands weren't even raised to hug him back. He didn't even try to touch him back.

“Yeah,” Renjun whispered, voice breaking as another wave of tears hit his cheels, fearing the next few words. “Let's go,” Jaemin whispered, whipping his cheeks. 

What on Earth was going on? Was Jeno... Doubting the relationship again? Was... Everything broken once again?

Sitting on the floor, Jaemin let out a sigh. He couldn't stop the tears from pouring out of his eyes, no matter how hard he wanted to. It was just too much to take, the red eyes, the red noses, the wet cheeks, the broken breathing. His favourite people were crying with what felt like their last goodbye.


	17. Talking to each other; the first thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slight smut, and also suicidal thoughts.

Taking in a deep breath, Jeno gulped down the massive lump in his throat.

He didn't know how to start without hurting Renjun. How to start without hurting both of them.

“Jeno, say something.” Jaemin let out, voice cracking amongst the heavy, shallow breaths. Eager to hear that his heart will be broken to get it over with. He was tired of everything; of the drama, of crying, of lies and being hurt. He just wanted to feel loved, that was all.

“I...” Jeno took in another deep breath, eyes falling back down on the floor. “I don't know how to say this...” “Just say it,” Jaemin let out, eyes focused on the boy crying opposite of him. “I can't say- I don't know-” “For fucks sake, are you breaking up with us?” Two pairs of piercing at the wheeping boy, who was practically shaking. Jeno suddenly felt overwhelmed. What was Renjun talking about?

“W- what?”

The room became silent again. Three boys breathing loudly, tears falling at the speed you could hear them slidding over the wet cheeks. Jeno stared at Renjun, eyes wide at the boy staring back at him. Jaemin traced his eyes from one to another, expecting something to happen.

“Jeno?” Jeno zoned out for a second, eyes only tracing Renjun's face. Did he make the pretty cheeks wet? Did he make his beautiful eyes red and teary? How could he- “Jeno.”

Adverting his eyes to Jaemin finally, he lightly parted his lips. “Hm?” Jaemin sighed. “Are you breaking up with us?” “What?” “Are you breaking up with us? Is that what you wanted to say? That you finally had enough of this shit and are ready to forget everything?” Jaemin angrily said, voice cracking with every word spoken, tears talling once again. Renjun kept his eyes glued to the floor, expecting the worst once again.

“What? No, wait, what- Why are you saying that?”

Both Jaemin and Renjun shot their eyes up at Jeno. What? It wasn't ending? It wasn't... The end?

“I- We thought-” “That's not it?” Renjun looked up at Jeno, tears filling his eyes again, voice breaking. A small relief was sensed in his expression, breath restrained in order not to scream of joy. “No, why did you think that?”

Jaemin sighed, annoyed. Did he just waste time worrying for nothing?

“Really? That's not it?” Renjun asked, almost smiling. Jaemin assumed the tears rolling down his cheeks were now of happiness. “N- no. Why did you-” “We had sex and you saw us. Every reasonable person would be turned on by it, you know. We thought you didn't want anything to do with it, so we both assumed the worst. Silly,” Jaemin breathed out, half relieved half annoyed. He only wanted to be loved. Only wanted to be held. Only wanted to be kissed, hugged, stuffed. He didn't have time for heartbreaks.

Jeno lightly gulped at them. “I didn't wanna- I don't wanna break up.” Renjun whipped away some of the fallen tears. “I just... Um...” He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes, feeling a lump in his throat again. “I love you, I don't ever wanna leave you. I just...”

Taking in another breath, he slightly sat up, but let his head fall lower than his shoulders. “I don't know how to tell you nicely, because it's not something I can sugarcoat.” Renjun and Jaemin looked at each other before crawling over closer to Jeno, holding hands. Renjun's breath was shallow, cheeks and nose red, eyes puffed from everything. Jaemin's breath was hitching in his lungs, heavy against the place that hurt most. “Tell us, please, Jeno.” Renjun looked up at him, pressing a small kiss against his hand. The action made Jeno shiver, breath shaking against his lips as he breathed out.

“I can't do it.” Jaemin lightly tapped his fingers over his hand, sighing. “Just tell us, it's gonna be okay. We aren't going anywhere.” Jeno lightly let his lips curl up before letting the smile disappear. “I can't do it.” Renjun and Jaemin looked at each other. What?

“W- What?” Renjun lightly blinked at him. “I... I can't do it. Not yet.” “Do what?” Jeno swallowed the big lump, taking in a deep breath. “The sex. And touching. Not just... Yet.” Jaemin blinked, tears drying up at the words, confused. “Wait, wait. What?”

Jeno sighed, looked up and blinked a bit, pressing his lips together to stop the overflowing tears. “I'm... I'm afraid.”

“Why?” Renjun felt a breath stop in his lungs. What did he do?

“I... Ugh. I... Everytime we wanted to do something, I wanted to do something, you got suddenly worse, Renjun. I'm afraid I might go ahead of myself, ahead of you, and make you suddenly get worse again. I'm afraid of hurting you, Renjun, I'm terrified of losing you because of my greed. And I'm afraid of touching you, afraid of holding you because I might just... Break you.” Both Renjun and Jaemin stared at the crying boy. His voice was cracking every two seconds, the words coming out of his lips almost surreal to listen to.

“I don't wanna... I wanna go slow. Really slow. I have to get sure in myself, Renjun. I can't just dive in, because it will destroy me. It will kill me to be quick at it, because I won't be able to breathe. I might just... I can't do it, I'm sorry, I'm...” Jeno couldn't stop the tears from falling. He was breaking, falling apart infront of them and Jaemin couldn't watch anymore. He was going insane, going crazy at the sight; he wanted to hold him, wanted to comfort him, wanted to make him stop crying. But, Jeno only spoke of Renjun? So... Jaemin was... Okay?

Renjun nodded to himself, whipped the tears from his face and brushed the back of Jeno's hand one last time, pressing a small kiss against the skin, then let his hand go. He looked at him and smiled lightly, the forced smile fading soon after. Jaemin didn't know what to do, but suddenly feel so sorry, so pathetic. 

“I don't know what to say,” Renjun whispered, afraid his voice might break if speaking properly. “But, I love you, and I'll give you everything you need. The time, the space, the pace. I can do anything,” his voice was breaking now, tears falling against his cheeks once again. “As long as I get to be by your side, I can wait till the day I die.”

Jeno released a shaky breath, tears unstoppable against his cheeks. His breath was as shallow as it could be; his whole body breaking with the words. Jaemin only wanted to hug him close, hold him. But he couldn't, and it hurt him to just watch. Physically and mentally. 

“So, before... I was forcing you?” Renjun lightly whispered, tears forming in his eyes again. “And with Jaemin, too?” Both boys looked at him, their looks hurting him beyond belief. The words will hurt them, even if they should hear them.

Not finding the breath to speak, Jeno just shook his head. “I- I was forcing... myself. With you, Renjun. Jaemin is... Okay for me.” Jaemin gulped. Forcing himself? Jaemin is okay? How much sense did that make?

Renjun suddenly felt incredibly dirty. Was he really so disgusting people have to force themselves to hold him?

“I was forcing myself, to touch you, even as simple as hand holding and hugs. I can't do it, I can't without losing my mind, I'm so stupid.” he burried his hands into his hair, the words only a mumble the boys understood nonethless. 

To Jaemin, the situation just felt hopeless.

“H- hey, Jeno,” Jaemin leaned in a bit, eyes scanning the breaking figure. He was literally falling apart infront of their eyes. “Jeno, can we still hug and stuff like that? Minimal?” Jeno stopped a bit, thinking for a second, then nodded lightly, lifting up his head to face the boys. “I... I can't promise... ” “The limits, I get it.” Jaemin said, pressing his lips into a small smile. “Renjun, I'm so sorry,” he cried even more.

Like Jaemin didn't matter. Like he wasn't the most broken one of them three.

“I love you, Jeno.” he said, words delicate out of his lips. “I don't want us to fight or force ourselves, so please, just tell us whatever it is that you want, okay? I don't completely understand you, but take all the time you need, okay?” Jeno was crying again. The tears just didn't seem to have an end.

He nodded and forced a smile that faded quickly. “Is there anything you need right now? A tissue, mabey?” Renjun was quiet for most part, silently crying. ‘We just can't seem to be happy,’ he thought to himself. ‘I can't even be fucking happy to start with.’

‘I can't even fucking die.’

“A hug,” Jeno whispered, words so quiet the boys couldn't hear them at first. “Hm?” “A hug, Jaemin, please.” Jeno said again, louder, whipping his cheeks before Jaemin's hands wrapped around his neck, making another batch of tears roll down the wet surface.

Renjun whipped his cheeks and lightly scooped closer, pressing his head onto Jeno's shoulder, not really hugging him. To him, these kinds of conversations and situations were... Far from what he wanted. 

Suddenly, it was Jaemin who felt completely love-less. Empty. Once again only a toy for strong feelings people couldn't handle.

He felt like he didn't matter. Like nobody was willing to try for him.

It hurt him in the worst way possible.


	18. Shame and hidden kisses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should probably mention there's a lot of self doubt and self hate, so...

“Listen, here, you little prick,” Renjun scolded Jaemin, the two playing a game of UNO on the bed while Jeno sat by the window, working on some new music.

The duo laughing from the bed caught his attention, eyes catching the wide smiles and red foreheads from flicking eachother. They seemed quite happy without him, Jeno felt. Until Renjun looked at him and the laughter died down to a beautiful smile, that is.

“What are you working on?” Jaemin asked, both him and Renjun coming closer to the boy sitted by the window, chaos of papers around him. “Oi, you're a mess,” Jaemin said, hands flying to Jeno's shoulders, the boy smiling. “I know.” he laughed, lightly scratching the back of his head.

“So? What are you working on?” Jeno looked up, catching Renjun's eyes into his, a small smile pressed against each others lips. “I started writing it about a year ago, but never finished it.” Jeno started, Jaemin sitting down beside him, Renjun opposite of the two. “I had a hard time and wanted to cheer myself up with a happy love song, but couldn't find inspiration. Now,” he said, looking at the paper. “I am really close to finishing it.”

Both Renjun and Jaemin looked at eachother, smiling brightly. “Ohoi,” Jaemin said, elbowing Jeno who seemed to be blushing. “When can we hear it?” “It- It's not that good,” Jeno mumbled, cheeks lighting up, ear tips sk red they almost shone. “I don't think you'll like it.” Jaemin sighed, annoyed. “You, have some faith in yourself, Jesus Christ.” Jeno smiled, looking at him. 

They were so close. Their lips almost only a few centimeters away. Jaemin wanted to kiss him, sensing Jeno wanted the same, but they both held back. The same reason they held back from holding hands and hugging. Or cuddling or taking showers together; the boy sitting opposite of them.

“Renjun,” Jaemin said, catching his attention adverting his eyes from the papers in his hands to the two. “Hm?” Jaemin thought for a second, but decided to brush it off. 

“Are you hungry? I'm starving.” The two boys laughed, Renjun agreeing to making something to eat with Jeno while Jaemin took a shower.

Once Jaemin was secured in the bathroom, he coughed, trying his best not to leave blood splatters everywhere. Caughing into his own hands, then washing the blood off. A fit going on for a few minutes before his vision got blank and he couldn't hear a thing. He was afraid he might die before being happy, like this.

“Jaemin? Are you alright in there?” “Yeah, just a sec,” he replied, Renjun humming back in response. “The lunch is in 5.” “Yeah, coming!”

He heard Renjun going back downstairs and washed his hands for the last time before going after him.

“Wow,” Jaemin said, eyes wide at the set table. “We're having pancakes for lunch?” Renjun laughed. “I kindda wanted to eat something sweet.” Jaemin nodded and smiled. “It smells delicious,” he said before sitting down next to Renjun. Jeno was sitting opposite of the two as they ate, laughing and joking around.

It was a bit more than half a day since the talk they had, and yet it changed so much. Renjun and Jeno hadn't kissed since the night before, hadn't touched, hadn't sat together. It was no different for him and Jeno, the only difference was they occasionally touched, here and there. Small as a brush of a skin against skin, something the other two didn't have. Jaemin noticed the awkward stares they gave each other, sitting away from each other.

“So,” Jaemin started as the laughter died down a bit. “What are we doing today?”

It was supposed to be a ‘bed day’ date, but since they wouldn't be able to get that through with the situation, it was better to do something else. 

“I found a great movie before,” Renjun said and the boys agreed to watch it. They had the house to themselves anyway.

“I'll just take a shower and then we can watch the movie.” Renjun said, and the other two nodded, agreeing.

“Renjun, do you want popcorn while watching?” “S- sure, do whatever you want.” 

Once Renjun was in the bathroom, he burst into tears. Back sliding down to the end of the door, his thighs pressed tightly against his chest.

He felt his skin crawling, that's how bad he felt about himself. He couldn't help but drag his nails across his skin, leaving red marks all over his body. He just wanted to get out of this disgusting body, this uncapable-to-be-loved body.

The shower he took was short, but the water burning against his skin. He had to make sure he'll wash away all the dirtiness, the disgust.

“Jeno,” Jaemin satrted, sensing Jeno's scent over the candles that they lit. It has been too long since they last kissed, held each other and it was driving Jaemin insane. “Do you... Really not wanna... Like... Do anything? Not even kissing or holding hands?” The words made Jeno freeze in place. 

Of course, he wanted to. Of course. 

“I... Was kinda... Trying not to hurt Renjun. You're fine,” Jeno said, words pretty plain out of his mouth. “I'm fine?” Jaemin laughed, looking at him. Jeno met his eyes and forced a smile. “Yeah, you're fine.” “I'm fine.” Jaemin scoffed, almost sarcastically mocking the words.

“Then,” he took a step closer to Jeno. “Can I get a kiss?”

Jeno put the lighter down, nearing in on Jaemin. Once Jeno smiled, he knew it was okay to proceed. Jeno put one hand on his cheek, the touch electrifying to Jaemin. He almost let out a shaky breath, expecting the kiss to be even better.

Jeno leaned in, looked at Jaemin once before closing the gap, kissing him. Jaemin put one hand over his waist, pulling their bodies closer, trying to get the kiss to last; and Jeno didn't stop. Parting only to take in a deep breath, he pulled Jaemin right back against himself, their lips melting into each other once again.

Jeno wrapped one hand around Jaemin's back and pulled him closer to himself, tongue brushing past his lips, entering the other's mouth. Suddenly, they heard footsteps coming down the stairs and Jeno hurriedly pulled away, turning towards the candles again.

Jaemin stood frozen. What the hell just happened? Why did Jeno pull away when Renjun entered as if he was disgusted? Why was them kissing okay just a second ago, but now felt like they did the wrongest thing in the world?

“Wow, candles?” Jeno turned, smiling. “Well, it is a date, even if not a planned one.” Renjun nodded, looking through the living room.

“And, cue.”

The movie started playing, Renjun sitting next to Jaemin, Jeno on the other side. Jaemin was in the middle again; suddenly realising that the might've been able to keep their distance by having something between them that wouldn't want to be crossed.

Jaemin suddenly felt like crying.

Their feelings were a mess, all because they didn't know how to love one another without being hurt.

The story-line was developing way too slowly for any of their liking; soon they tried to keep their focus on the tv rather than on one another. It was far from what they usually watched; a romantic love story, two people not knowing whether they should risk with each other or not, both being really careful with words and skinship. It was kinda ironic how the movie portrayed the relationship they had.

“Jeno,” Renjun whispered, Jaemin and Jeno looking at him while he kept his eyes focused on the screen. “Hm?” His eyes only turned to them after hearing the response. “I'm gonna kiss Jaemin.” Both him and Jaemin were in shock at the words, the two looking at each other before staring back at Renjun. “Y- yeah. Okay.”

Renjun pulled Jaemin into a kiss, lips first harsh against his, then melting together into the kiss they both missed way too much.

Jaemin could hear Jeno gulp hardly and sighed into the kiss, suddenly feeling it wasn't him Renjun wanted to kiss so desperately.

After parting, Jaemin sighed and kept his eyes glued to the screen. He was hoping the two boys would pay more attention to the movie and less to the teary eyes he tried hard to hide. He was really breaking under their touches, unwanted.

“Renjun,” Jeno said after pondering a few minutes. Jaemin sighed and closed his eyes, awaiting the next task he will be given. Renjun looked at Jeno, almost surprised. “Yeah?” Jeno took a second to think before speaking. “Can I hold your hand?”

Renjun's face lit up, the most beautiful smile painted across his cheeks. Before Jaemin realized, the two had hand intertwined across his lap, fingers fidgeting with each other as they watched the movie till the end.

Jeno entwined his other hand with Jaemin's, Renjun nuzzled into his side, and yet, Jaemin felt empty.

A week has passed since the three had the conversation, and two weeks to go until the special date Jaemin had planned. Jaemin tried his hardest not to be mad at the two, who were trying their best to get back on the normal track. He tried his best to help them in any way possible, just to get his part over with. He felt more and more useless and felt as if the two might throw him away after this is all over.

“You ready?” Renjun looked amazing in his fit; plain jeans, white t-shirt and a baseball cap. So simple, yet so stunning on him. Jaemin smiled at him and nodded. “Let's go! He'll be here any second now,” he added, pulling Jaemin after himself downstairs in heavy waiting for their date to come pick them up.

Unlike Jaemin, Jeno didn't have his entire closet at Renjun's, so he went home to redress and get ready for their date.

The bell rang and both Renjun and Jaemin ran to the door, hands entwined. Renjun opened the door and both boys had their jaws stuck to the floor. Black, perfectly fitted jeans, white t-shirt tucked in, hair slicked back, a plaid shirt tied around his waist. And two bouquets in his hands, a giant smile on his lips and a warm blush across his cheeks; Jeno looked properly in love.

“Wow,” Renjun let out, scanning the man once again before looking at his face. Jaemin gulped and nodded, licking his lips. “Yeah.” “These are for you.” Jeno said, giving each of the boys their own bouquet. Each had their favorite flowers in it; a special detail that made both of their hearts melt.

Jeno was really trying his hardest to make everyone happy, and that fact made Jaemin feel weak in his knees. Sometimes, he just felt like he was being used by the two; again other times, he felt as if he was using the two.

Sometimes, he felt as if the love he recieved was too much, the other times he felt like he recieved none.

And yet, he had all the love of the world to give.

“Let's go!” “Yaaay!” The enthusiastic voices were already leaving the house while Jaemin was putting the flowers into the vases, so he sighed to himself and hurried up, knowing he wouldn't be able to catch the two without coughing his lungs out.


	19. 'We' ; not all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, a lot of self hate and mabey even suicidal thoughts

The past two weeks got Renjun and Jeno on a whole another level of relationship, while Jaemin felt stuck between the two. They seemed to love him, just not the way they loved each other.

The third day of the second week Jeno asked Jaemin to kiss him, then kiss Renjun. Once their slivas were mixed completely, Jeno pulled Renjun closer to himself and held him delicately, lips slowly inching closer together before diving into a sensual kiss. Both him and Renjun shivered into it, Jeno's cheeks heating up after parting.

As days went by, they concurred hugging, kisses on the cheek, holding hands, cuddling and kissing. Everything was the way it was before, with one exception. Touching below waist wasn't yet an option.

When the boys woke up with morning wood, Jeno quickly excused himself to the bathroom while Jaemin and Renjun jerked of together.

They decided to count the times they did it, so they could somehow do it evenly once Jeno was okay with it. It felt stupid, but somehow right.

“Ah, Jaemin,” Renjun whimpered against Jaemin's neck. He was sitting between Jaemin's legs, their limbs entwined and crossed as Jaemin palmed him through his underwear. Renjun kept his hand on Jaemin's bulge, just running fingers up an down lightly, still half asleep. Once Jaemin sucked a hickey on his neck, he woke up enough to slide closer to Jaemin and take him out of his underwear. 

“Shit,” Jaemin hissed under his breath, feeling the warm skin embrace his hard dick, pumping it quickly. Renjun then pulled his own dick out and held it pressed against Jaemin's; the two hard dicks sliding over and against each other as they dry humped into one another. Curses and moans, groans and hisses left both of them, hands searching for places to touch while their eyes scanned the others face; fully blushed, eyes dimmed, lips parted while shining in the dim light. “Beautiful,” Jaemin remarked as he stared at Renjun, who was already closing in on his climax. He couldn't keep his moans to himself and let them spill out, one needier than the other while his hand brushed through his hair.

Hearing the praise, he whined and pulled Jaemin into a kiss, the new angle making their heads touch their stomachs, the new friction making both of them throw heads backwards. “Sshit, I'm gonna come,” Renjun whispered, holding Jaemin tightly, hands crossed over behind his neck, one tucking fingers into his hair. “Me, me too,” Jaemin simply let out, the climax so close he was unable to speak.

They came in unison, both their cum splattering over each other's stomachs, thighs and dicks, the scene of it slowly dripping off making both shiver.

“Shit,” Jaemin said, breath hitching in his lungs, feeling the blood pool inside of him. Renjun looked at him and smiled lightly, holding his hand as they laid down, legs still crossed. “That was number 11.” Jaemin looked at Renjun, surprisingly finding a bright smile on his lips. “Really? Already?”

A soft knock was heard on the door. “You two decent?” Renjun quickly pulled his underwear up and fixed his pants, pulling Jaemin's underwear up alongside, too. “Yeah.” Even if the amount of times they did it was increasing rapidly, the boys never knew how to react once the three were together again. 

“So, Jaemin. Where are you taking us?” Jaemin looked at the two boys sitting at the edge of the bed. “I... All I'll say is that you have to pack warm. It's still snowing there.” Renjun looked at Jeno, the other adverting his eyes back to Jaemin quickly. “So, it's not only one day?”

Jaemin lightly sat up, lifting himself onto his elbows. “No. It's a weekend trip. Weekend date.” “Oho! Nice!” Jeno and Renjun smiled at each other and then looked back at Jaemin.

Was it even okay for Jaemin to proceed? Should he just... Let them go by themselves?

“Listen, guys...” Adverting their attention back to Jaemin after laughing at a cat video on Jeno's phone, the boys hummed in unison. “I don't feel too well.” Knowing that making them go buy him medicine might have them realize how in love they were and how they didn't need Jaemin to have a date, Jaemin knew he would be left behind.

That's the exact reason he proceeded.

“Where? Does your stomach hurt?” Jeno quickly sat up, looking closely at Jaemin. Renjun sat up and stared at him, eyes full of worry. “It might just be a cold. Can you get me some medicine from the store?” Renjun quickly stood up, a hand pulling him back down to sit next to Jaemin. “Stay here with him. I'll get it. Make him some tea and watch him. I'll be right back.” Renjun nodded after pressing his lips into a thin line, letting out a breath. Jeno pulled him closer and kissed him, then looled at Jaemin and simply ran one hand over his cheek before kissing his forehead.

Jaemin mentally scolded himself. The plan didn't work.

“Ah, Renjun. I forgot my wallet at home.” “That's okay. Take mine.” Renjun pointed at the table and Jeno walked over, searching through the bag on it.

“You can both go, I'll make myself some tea and wait for you downstairs.”

Renjun watched Jaemin for a few seconds, reading his expression. “Really?” Jaemin felt a hard sting in his chest at how simple that was.

He really didn't matter.

“Yes. I'll be fine.” Renjun smiled at him, caressing his hand before kissing his cheek and jumping from the bed to run after Jeno.

Jaemin sighed, hearing the front door close. Even if he pretended to be sick, the boys... He just didn't matter to them.

As tears formed in his eyes he decided to blink them away before getting up and heading downstairs.

He was sure the boys would take their sweet time coming back, and was surprised when they arrived in literally 5 minutes. Both of their cheeks red and both out of breath, seeming they ran to get back as soon as possible.

Mabey they did care about him.

“We forgot my wallet.” Renjun laughed as he ran upstairs, soon coming back downstairs and disappearing through the door again, lacing fingers with Jeno and walking slowly to the pharmacist.

‘We.’

They didn't care at all.

As long as he was out of the way, Jeno and Renjun seemed to have the time of their lives.


	20. Bad dreams and blood

“Jaemin, are you okay in there?” Jaemin couldn't answer. His mouth was full of blood after he coughed up what felt like his whole lungs.

His hands and chin were stained in red. When looking up at himself in the mirror, the wall behind him washed in red, the clothes he was wearing smeared with blood.

He is going to die in the bathroom of his own boyfriend.

Suddenly, the door opened. He looked towards the bright light shining through the opened door and linked eyes with two boys, staring at him with smiles on their faces.

“Finally.” Jeno remarked and Renjun laughed before they kissed each other, pulling each other closer to one another, fingers painting bloody stripes across their clothes and skin.

Laughing while closing the door before Jaemin could get out, the room slowly filled with his blood and he started drowning.

“Jaemin?” “Jaemin! Come on, wake up!”

Two strong pairs of hands shook him awake, opening his eyes at the boys in shock. 

“Wha- What happened?” “You were screaming in your sleep, Jaemin,” Renjun said, brushing one hand through his hair. “What did you dream about?” “A nightmare?”

Jaemin felt relieved. He was okay. The two boys were okay.

They were okay.

“Did I wake you up?” Jeno lightly smiled. “No shit, Sherlock.”

“Sorry,” Jaemin whispered, eyes fighting the forming tears. “I'm so sorry.” When a tear slipped past his eyelashes, both Jeno and Renjun froze in place.

Jaemin burried his face in his hands and sobbed, shivering. The dreams scared him to death.

“H-hey, Jaemin, hey,” Jeno lightly said, pulling him closer a bit, hands softly tapping against his skin. Touches so delicate it made Jaemin feel like they were ment only for him. “Did the dreams scare you so much?” Renjun softly said, pulling his hands away from the crying eyes, gently stroking his wet cheeks before wrapping his arms around him.

Renjun was small, but Jaemin felt safe when the elder hugged him. 

Once Jaemin felt the warm breath at the nape of his neck, the tears just poured out of him. He could finally admit to himself that he was afraid. Afraid of dying before being happy. Afraid of dying alone, unloved. Afraid of dying overall.

“Hey- Jaemin-” Renjun started, the almost spoken words making the crying boy shiver even more, tightening the hold around him. He was too worn out to care about the broken hearts surrounding him, too tired to care about being unwanted, too tired to care about being the broken toy in the middle.

He only wanted to be alive and loved.

Choking back another wave of tears, Jaemin was breaking with every drop.

“Please, just love me,” he whispered, words half eaten with the way he searched for air. “Please, don't leave me behind.” Jeno and Renjun looked at each other with wide eyes. What was this boy mumbling about?

“Jaemin? Are you okay? What's wrong?” The sobbing stopped, the body in Renjun's hands stopped shivering, the mumbles got quiet. “Jaemin?” Jeno asked, repeating a few times before realising the wheeping boy fell asleep.

Renjun looked at Jeno with wide eyes. “What the fuck?” “What was this about?”

Scanning each other's faces, the two boys sat in bed, Renjun holding Jaemin as he slept. After a while, they managed to get him off of him, tucked him in and laid beside him, scanning his gestures, his expressions, his body language, his breath, his snores, his twitches. They analized every little thing while holding him close to themselves.

“We just can't seem to get it, do we?” Renjun whispered, eyes still resting on Jaemin. “Hm?” Renjun looked up to meet Jeno's eyes. For a second he watched him, traced his eyes from his eyes down to his lips. “We just can't seem to get the grip of it, i said.”

Jeno stared at him, quiet. He didn't know what to say, how to react. 

“Of what?” Confused, Jeno stared at Renjun, who sighed content as Jaemin nuzzled closer to him, taking in a deep breath as if to fill his lungs with his scent. “Of how to be properly in love. Of how to love without being hurt. There's always one who is sceptical. Always one who is crying. Always one who is listening, but not hearing.”

Jeno didn't say anything. He knew it was true all too well.

“I just hope we can talk things out, because there's no way I am gonna live without one or both of you. There's no way I can live without you.” Renjun said, eyes watering up as he stared at Jaemin, scanning his face. “I can't lose you because we can't learn to love one another properly.”

The words made both him and Jeno cry, although they probably didn't intend to. The words hurt because they were true, and both boys knew it. They were afraid they might lose one another just because they didn't know how to listen to one another, to care for each other, to love the way they needed to. 

“Renjun, I'm sorry,” Jeno whispered through the tears and looked up at him. “I'm sorry for not loving you correctly. I'm sorry for not giving you the love you deserve. To the both of you, I am so, so, so sorry.” Renjun nodded, pressing his lips into a thin line, a small smile appearing on his cheeks. He looked almost too delicate, tears streaming down his face, cheeks wet and red, eyes glistening with newly formed tears.

Jeno realized how lucky he is to have both him and Jaemin to hold.

“Jesus, we cry so much lately,” Renjun whispered, half laughing while whipping away the tears on his cheeks. Jeno smiled, too, and reached one hand up to cup his face. “I love you,” Jeno whispered, eyes locked with each other. “I love you,” Renjun answered before leaning over to kiss him.


	21. Congratulations!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might be slightly hinting towards rape?? But it didn't happen so feel free to read
> 
> Also I might go on slight hiatus because of my work so i guess no new chapters for next 2 weeks sorry

The boys didn't mention anything to Jaemin, only to keep him from being hurt again. They didn't know what he dreamt about, but seeing how hard he was crying, they didn't want for him to recall whatever it was.

Jaemin on the other hand, knew exactly what happened and what he was dreaming about.

He thought the boys didn't care about it, and once again, he started feeling worthless.

“Got everything packed?” Jaemin looked at Renjun, eyes meeting before Renjun smiled reassuringly. “We checked like twice already, Jaemin. I got everything, and more. Don't worry.” Jaemin swore to himself not to let his feeling waver too much, because he was sure he will get left behind.

So he didn't smile back.

“Okay.”

The simple replies he let out had both Renjun and Jeno on the edge. He changed since realizing that the life he wanted for himself was coming to an end, and he won't be able to die happily, with Renjun and Jeno by his side.

He'll die living his worst fear.

“Okay. Let's go.”

Once they sat in the car, Jaemin pulled out his earphones and turned up his music, eyes focused on the outside world rather than paying attention to the duo sleeping against each other behind him.

It broke his heart that they ignored him, but he was sure he wouldn't show them. It didn't matter to them after all.

“Yes, please, turn here left.” Jaemin said one last time to the driver and turned to see the two still asleep.

They looked good together, Jaemin felt. His heart swole with a feeling he was trying hard to hide.

Emptiness.

“We're here,” Jaemin said, eyes focused everywhere but the two. He had to hide his feeling, his teary eyes, his shaking hands. It didn't matter anyway.

“Oh?” “Here-” The two stared widely at the scenery, the far too familiar wooden cabin, far too familiar tracks through the snow, the tall trees and the scent of freeness.

“Surprise.” Jaemin said blankly, pulling the suitcase he owned after himself. 

The lack of enthusiasm was concerning Jeno, who was slowly getting worked up.

‘One goddamn day’, he thought to himself. ‘One fucking day of happiness.’ And yet, the happiness didn't seem to come that easy.

“I'm taking the bedroom with the sauna,” Jaemin said, heading straight to it, the other two only exchanging looks, worried. Renjun felt his breath hitch in his lungs with worry, Jeno's whole body getting shivers.

Softly knocking on the bedroom door where Jaemin was staying, Renjun took in a deep breath. “Jaemin? We made dinner,” he said, voice soft and gentle in contrast of the thick worry he was showered with. “Come eat.” After a few seconds, Renjun heard a sigh. Jaemin opened the door and nodded, expression blank. “Sure.”

Renjun smiled a bit, then reached out for Jaemin's hand and held it while walking to the dining room. Jaemin held his hand back, fingers unknowingly drawing circles into the back of his hand. Renjun still had hope.

Although the little hope he had will vanish from him way too soon.

Jaemin pulled his hand away when reaching the dining room and sat down, opposite of Renjun and Jeno. Jeno looked at Renjun confused and the elder just lightly shook his head, signalling the youngest wasn't acting any different.

“Thanks for the food.” Jaemin said as Jeno placed the last plate on the table, quickly dived in and ate so quickly, the two constantly reminded him to eat slower.

As usual these days. Eating at a speed of a lightning and disappearing somewhere, out of sight.

“Jaemin, wait up when you eat. We wanna talk about something.” Jeno said, seeing Jaemin almost finished his food.

Jaemin lightly froze in place and slowly chewed on his food before looking at Jeno. “What about?” Renjun looked at Jeno, then back at Jaemin. The other two held eye contact, which seemed to be all about killing each other.

“We were planning on masturbating together. All of us. Since he's okay with it.” Renjun said, gently letting the last few words linger in air before looking at Jeno, lightly holding his hand.

Something in Jaemin twisted. He looked away and put his cutlery on the table, stood up and clapped twice. “Congratulations! Have a good time now!” he said, too sarcastically to not be obvious. “I'll be in my room. Don't let yourselves be disturbed.”

With those words he quickly walked towards the door of the dining room, leaving the two stunned boys behind. Jeno had eyes wide, frozen in place, Renjun mouth slightly open, eyes stuck to one place. They were shocked. “What the- Jaemin!” Jeno snapped and walked quickly behind him, Renjun quickly running after him, the situation making him worry that they were gonna fight.

“Jaemin!” Jeno shouted, reaching Jaemin right before the younger would step through the door of his room, grabbing his hand and turned him around, pushing him hard against the wall behind them. “What the fu-” “Why are you being like this?! What's up with you?! What's going on in this head of yours? Are we not good enough for you?” Jeno yelled, pushing Jaemin into the room while yelling. When reaching the bed, he pushed him onto it and pinned him down, Jaemin's weak body unable to fight Jeno's strong arms.

“Stop, Jeno-” “Why? You think we're not enough?” “Jeno, stop-” “Are you tired of us?! Don't wanna touch us?! Think we're disgusti-” “Jeno, stop!!” Finally stopping when hearing Renjun's yell from behind him, he noticed Jaemin crying, wheeping underneeth him. His eyes were red, tears falling out of them unstoppable. 

Jeno released his hands and got off of him, Jaemin quickly pulling his legs up to his chest, rolling onto his hip, crying while hasting for air.

Renjun didn't know what to do.

Is this the end?

“Jaemin, I- Jaem- I'm sorry-” Jeno couldn't find the words to say. He didn't know what to say to make things right.

In the end, he walked out of the room, hands burried in his hair.

Crying.


	22. Making sense, together?

Renjun stayed with Jaemin. He wanted to make sure he was okay. He slowly walked to the bed, sitting down next to Jaemin, hesitatingly putting one hand over his back, pulling him closer to himself. Jaemin didn't fight back too much, and gave into the hug without much force. “Sssh, you're okay, you're okay,” Renjun whispered against the crying boy's fluttering skin. “You're okay.”

Jaemin was hasting for air. It was the hardest Renjun had ever seen him cry. He was shivering, his whole body trembling in his hands as he held him close, the tears slipping along Jaemin's face landing across Renjun's shirt, neck and whatever there was on the way.

“Jaemin, please, calm down,” he softly whispered, placing a small kiss against his nape. “Please, you can't even breathe.” Kissing him once against his cheek when pulling away slightly, Jaemin looked down to his lap, still crying. “Jaemin, please.”

Resting one hand on his cheek, Renjun lightly drew circles into his skin. Jaemin momentarily stopped crying, took in a few long, deep breaths and gave into the touch.

Nuzzling closer to Renjun's hand, Jaemin closed his eyes and breathed. Just breathed.

The tears stopped eventually, and Renjun pulled his face up, whipping away the wet cheeks and kissed him on the nose once, making Jaemin smile a little.

“Listen, Jaemin,” Renjun soflty said, never letting go off him. “I don't know what is going on here, but I wish we could talk it out. Because I hate losing you, like this.”

Hearing those words made Jaemin stare at the other boy in shock. Was he hearing things right?

“What?” he mumbled, still staring at Renjun.

“I said I love you. And I don't wanna lose you,” Renjun said, voice just a bit louder than a whisper. “Ever.” Jaemin felt his already teared up eyes water up more, unconsciously pulling Renjun closer gently, their lips touching once softly. Renjun smiled a bit and kissed Jaemin again, this time holding him closer for a bit longer than usual.

“Jaemin,” Renjun whispered against his lips after parting. “I love you.”

And Jaemin started breaking, piece by piece, the portentous wall he built up crumbling down without much resistance.

“Renjun,” Jaemin softly mumbled between the tears and choked breaths. “Renjun, I'm so sorry, Renjun,” his words didn't make any sense, but either way, they were like melody to Renjun's ears.

‘Finally,’ Renjun thought to himself. ‘Finally.’

“Jaemin, do you wanna talk about it?” Renjun asked after Jaemin calmed down in his hold a bit. His breathing was still rushed, and the tears were never dried from his eyes, but he was able to function.

“I... Yeah.” he whispered oout, knowing the situation was not going to change any time soon unless he tells them everything.

“What's going on with you?” Jaemin took in a deep breath after hearing the gentle question. “I... It's hard-” Choking back a fat load of tears, Jaemin kept his eyes focused on his fidgeting fingers.

“It was hard for me, these past few weeks. Or the last two months actually,” Jaemin satrted, immediately feeling a tear slip down his cheek.

“Two months? So... Basically almost all the time we were back together?” Renjun asked, the tone of his voice almost as if he couldn't believe. “W, well, not all the time... I... We had good days, too.” Jaemin whispered, forcing himself to think a bit more positive. Renjun took in a shaky breath, suddenly getting overwhelmed.

“Why were you having a hard time, Jaemin? Do you not love us?”

Jaemin wanted to scream. Is that what the boys got from him? Was he really doing everything to make them realize they didn't love him, but instead made them think he didn't love them?

“Is that what the problem is?” Jaemin shook his head, eyes tearing up to the point of spilling. “Renjun, no, god, no. I love you,” he whispered, voice cracking nonetheless. “God, I love you so much. I just thought you might not love me back the same way.” Jaemin felt Renjun stiffen up under his touch, knowing immediately that the words made the elder alert. “What?” 

Jaemin knew what the worries he had will bring. He knew the talk around them wouldn't be anything nice, but he had to. He had to let it all out, especially now, since he had realization, although a bit too late.

He didn't wanna die lonely and miserable. He wanted them. He wanted someone to give love to, and someone that would love him. He wanted them. Them, nobody else. Renjun and Jeno. Them.

“For the past few weeks... I loved you, but I felt like you didn't love me back. At all. And sometimes I even felt like you were using me, to get closer to each other. I felt as if you'd throw me away when you were at the stage you are now and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you just because I couldn't figure out a way to be loved.”

Tears falling against his own cheeks, Jaemin could only blur out the words, afraid that if he went slowly, he would probably run away.

“I'm sorry, Renjun. For acting the way I did. I was just so... Scared. You and Jeno seemed so in love, and I felt as if he didn't have any love for me. And you... Since the start...” He took in a deep breath, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. “It seemed like you wanted Jeno since the start. Not me, who was by your side. It just felt like... I wasn't enough.”

He couldn't stand the thought of looking up at Renjun. He wouldn't survive if the face he loved so much would be laughing down at his pathetic broken frame, full of useless worries.

“I am so sorry, Renjun. I should've done a better job, and just wait, I'm so sorry for everything. I realise I made so many mistakes and I acted like a total nutjob, but I love you. I love you, so, so much. I just didn't wanna lose you. But it was so wrong- Everything's messed up. And now Jeno... He- I'm so sorry for not being enough, Renjun. I'm so sorry for not giving enough-” “Jaemin, look at me.” Finally stopping his ongoing rambling, Jaemin looked at Renjun, the other boy's hands pressing against his cheeks, softly drawing circles into his wet shin. “I love you. You're more than enough, Jaemin. You are the reason I am still here. You're the reason we are still together. You are more than enough. I'm sorry we made you feel as if you weren't appreciated, or loved. I thought you knew how crazily in love I was with you, so I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,” Renjun said, tears falling against his cheeks as his voice cracked. “I'm sorry for not letting you know how much I love you. I love you, so, so much.”

Jaemin burst into tears again. Hearing the words of reassure made his wall completely crumble, suddenly leaving him with only regret.

After they both calmed down for a bit, Renjun whispered sweet nothings against Jaemin's lips, kissing him like he should've been kissed since day one.

Jaemin eventually fell asleep in his embrace, Renjun not pulling away until the boy was completely under. He stayed a bit longer, playing with his hair and brushed his cheeks a few times, kissing his forehead.

“I love you,” Renjun whispered when Jaemin nuzzled closer to him, taking in a deep breath.

Renjun slipped out of the room and searched for Jeno. He found him by the fireplace, cheeks freezing cold and shoes by the fire, defrosting. “Jeno,” Renjun called softly, the sudden voice breaking Jeno's thoughts. He slightly turned his head to the side, eyeing the entering boy. “Hey.”

“Were you out?” “Yeah, I went for a walk. I had to clear my mind.” Renjun pressed his lips into a thin line, sitting down next to him. He then looked at Jeno, and held his hands in his. “Jeno, are you okay?” he asked, seeing the tears in Jeno's eyes. 

The younger sighed and looked at the ceiling, trying to blink away the tears. “No, no, I'm not okay.” ne sighed again, feeling his cold cheeks dampen. “I'm far from okay. I just hurt Jaemin, Renjun. And I keep on hurting both of you. So, no, I am not okay.”

Renjun nodded slightly, but brushed circles into his skin nonetheless.

“I love you,” he then whispered before pulling him into a kiss. Jeno kissed him back, but felt tears plotter out of him. He pulled away and looked away from Renjun, who kept his hands on him. “H- Um, how is he?” Renjun nuzzled against him before taking in a deep breath. “Jeno, Jaemin is...” he sighed, looking down onto the intertwined hands. 

“He's okay, now. You should go to him, tho. Apologize, or something. He was so shocked,” he started, fingers playing with Jeno's. “Fuck, I was shocked, too.” 

Jeno sunk his head down, trying to stop the falling tears. “I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry.” he breathed out, the cracking voice making Renjun look up at him and cup his face into his hands, wipping away the tears before pulling him into a hug. 

“Ssh, it's okay. Everything is okay, Jeno. We talked it out, he told me everything. He doesn't resent you one bit, you know? He loves you,” he whispered, voice full of comfort Jeno wanted to lean on so bad. “He loves you. He loves us.” “He, he does?”

“Yes, Jeno, he does. We talked a lot about it, and he told me everything.” Renjun said with a slight smile on his lips after parting the hug to look at Jeno. “He did? Did he tell you why he, um,” Jeno swallowed the lump in his throat. “Why he didn't wanna... Let us close?” Renjun sat back against the couch, resting his head on the head rest behind him. 

“He said he felt like a toy between us while we were trying to get on the same level again. He said he was afraid we might throw him away after we get back close and that he didn't feel loved.”

Repeating the words out loud himself, Renjun realised the weight of them. His eyes teared up and over spilled, voice cracking almost immediately.

“W... What?” “Yeah... He said he was sorry for not figuring out a way how to be loved and that he wasn't enough, neither for me or you. God,” Renjun said, feeling his eyes water up again and again, no matter the amount of tears already fallen. “Shit, how did we not see that? How the fuck did we miss that?” His voice was broken, cracking as he spoke, tears making a wet stain on his shirt. 

Jeno had no words. His cheeks were stained in tears, nose red, mind rushing. Was he really that into building a relationship with Renjun all over again that he forgot to say ‘I love you’ to Jaemin, all this time?

“Shit, Renjun,” he whispered. “I love him. I don't wanna lose him because I'm a jerk. We have to make... Sense, together.” Renjun looked at him and smiled lightly while taking in a deep breath. “Go tell him that. I already told him,” he said, kissing Jeno before letting him stand up and go to the room where Jaemin was sleeping.


	23. Two homes and a beating heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can slightly hint at smut? Lmao yes it does

Jeno slowly crawled into the bed, laying down as close to Jaemin as he could without waking him up. He watched him sleep for a bit, tears falling across his face as he stared at all the little details, all the soft breaths he left out, all the messy hair sticking up, all the curves on his face.

“God, I love you,” he whispered, gently stroking across his cheek, making him slightly move in his sleep. He nuzzled closer to Jeno, face almost pressed into his chest, hands folded infront of him. Jeno wrapped one hand around him and pulled him closer, kissing his forehead. After Jeno parted, he looked at Jaemin, eyes matching his as he stared up at him, a surprised look on his face.

“S- sorry, did I wake you up?” Jaemin pulled away slightly, to have a more comfortable look at him, Jeno immediately letting go off him, fearing he was too close for they younger to like.

“It's okay.” Jaemin whispered. Jeno sat up a bit, swallowing the lump in his throat in order to say what has been on his mind.

“Jaemin, listen... I heared everything from Renjun.”

Jaemin suddenly felt like sinking into the bed. The tears already gathering in Jeno's eyes made his tear up, too.

“I am so, so, so fucking sorry. I'm so sorry. For everything. For hurting you, for not showing you that I love you, for everything, Jaemin, I am so sorry.” His voice was on the verge of cracking, the breath already stuck in his lungs.

“I would never wanna hurt you, Jaemin, ever. Not in a million years. I love you,” he whispered out, looking directly at him. Jaemin lightly smiled while wipping away the fallen tear on his cheek and sat up, pulling him into a hug. “I love you, too.” 

And Jeno just burst into tears, shivering while hasting for breath before Jaemin parted and kissed him, kissed him with all he got. “I love you,” he whispered in between kisses, pulling Jaemin back against himself. 

“I'm so sorry, Jaemin, for everything.” Jeno started after they parted from the kiss. “I... Am a mess. I wanted you both for so long, so bad, that in the end I forgot to love properly. I'm so sorry, for everything. To you, since day one,... Only pain...” words cut off as the delicate voice cracked even when spoken in a whisper, Jeno cried. He cried a lot. Jaemin cried with him, the words strangely giving him a sense of comfort. A sense of home.

“Jeno... I love you.” he whispered, then looked at him and pulled him into another kiss, lips fighting in a soft but passionate makeout.

Jaemin parted, placed his hands on Jeno's cheeks and wipped the tears, lightly smiling at him before kissing him again. “I love you,” Jaemin whispered, a small smile on his lips as Jeno kissed him, hands not sure where to hold to not hurt him again. 

“Jeno, touch me,” Jaemin whispered after their lips reconnected into a messy kiss, fighting for domination. Once Jeno heard the delicate whisper, he pulled his hands up and softly grabbed him, pulling him closer to himself. Jaemin smiled and left out a shaky breath, then parted and looked at him.

A soft blush painted across his face, touching the tip of his ears, too. His hair was already messy, eyes full of something Jaemin couldn't quite read. Eyes scanning every small detail of a face he hasn't seen from this close up in weeks, Jaemin brough one hand to his cheek and brushed his thumb across the damp skin, damp from all the tears, damp from all the sadness, damp from all the wrong things.

He made a mental note to never hurt them, again.

Even if he might, unconsciously.

“Jaemin, I'm sorry,” Jeno whispered, Jaemin quick to shush him. “Shh, Jeno, it's okay.” he whispered against his lips, and softly slid onto Jeno's lap, kissing him again.

Jaemin parted to moan a bit as Jeno slid his hands lower and pulled him closer by his hips, their fronts touching. Jeno was semi-hard already, Jaemin probably already pre-leaking. Jeno just felt that good to him.

“Renjun!” Jaemin yelled after the kiss was broken, his voice echoing through the room. Soon enough they heard quick footsteps running to the bedroom, and they smiled to each other. When the boy slammed through the door, both of their eyes made their way onto him.

“W- what? Something wrong?” he let out, breathing heavy. Once he properly looked at them, though, he quickly felt his cheeks warm up, the broken heart in him beating a tad bit quicker than usual.

“Why are you standing there, silly? Come here,” Jaemin said, laughing. Jeno let out a hand, and Renjun slowly stepped to the bed, taking in a deep breath and grabbing Jeno's hand.

Once Renjun reached them, Jaemin was quick to kiss him, both hands on his cheeks, pulling him as close as possible. Renjun kissed back without hesitation, one hand across his waist, the other intertwining with Jeno's.

The kiss first started slow and somehow shy, then quickly turned messy, passionate, hands grabbing hair, skin. Jaemin felt Jeno grow hard underneath him, and parted once he heard him release a shaky breath, probably turned on by the sight.

Renjun smiled at Jaemin, the youngest returning the smile. Renjun looked at Jeno and pulled himself up to give him a kiss, nothing much, both agreeing to advert their attention to Jaemin today.

Every single second was for Jaemin.

Renjun scooped closer to the two, thighs on either side of them, spread wide agaist them. Faces so close they could feel the breaths bounce off one another, hands running over skin. A moment so delicate it almost made them cry with pureness.

“Jaemin,” Renjun whispered, eyes scanning his face. “What do you need?”

A different question. Not what he wanted, but what he needed. 

Jaemin's eyes teared up, his chest swole with warmth.

“You.” he whispered, a tear falling past his eyelashes before Jeno pulled him into a kiss, pulling him closer to himself, securing him against himself to lay him down. Renjun climbed over to him, the now free lips covered with his, a kiss so delicate it could break hearts.

Jeno kissed his way down Jaemin's jaw and his neck,Jaemin releasing a shaky moan into the kiss. Renjun pulled away and brushed one hand through his hair, the other palm on Jaemin's cheek, drawing small circles into his skin. Their eyes held eye contact for what felt like a forever, warm smile plastered across Renjun's lips. Jaemin pulled one hand up and slowly dragged one finger across Renjun's cheek, the other hand burried in Jeno's hair.

“I love you.” Jaemin whispered, both boy's eyes catching his. “I love you so damn much.” Jeno smiled before gulping down the lump in his throat. “And I, love you. So, so, so, so damn much.” Renjun nodded softly, pressing his lips into a thin line before taking in a deep breath and almost yelled. “And I love you so much!”

Giggling, the trio grew quiet. Finally, the silence wasn't deafening.

“Please, continue loving me,” Jaemin choked out as sudden regret filled his chest.

He's going to lose them. He's going to lose both of them.

“Jaemin, always.” Renjun whispered, hand caressing his cheek, Jeno lightly caressing the top of his head.

“I never thought I'd have two homes at once, although I wished for the longest time for it. So I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for everything. For not knowing a proper way to be loved and give it. I'm so sorry.” Jaemin let a tear slip past his eyelash and looked away from them, bringing one hand up to wipe away the tears threatening to fall.

“Please, don't cry, I don't wanna cry anymore, please.” Jeno whispered, feeling his eyes water up as well, hearing the words. “Me neither,” Jaemin laughed lightly. “They just come on their own.” Renjun offered him a smile and leaned in close to his lips, whispering a delicate ‘I love you, always’ against his skin and kissed him. 

Jaemin kissed him back, hands quick to run over his neck and tug on his hair, pulling him as close as he could. He quickly felt Jeno return to his neck, kissing a soft spot under his jaw, drawing a small series of moans. Renjun slightly parted, something on his eyes burning completely different from before. Jeno pulled himself up and kissed him, too, the kiss a messy one but passionate and delicate.

Renjun kissed down the other side of Jaemin's neck while his hand ran to his waist, slowly tucking behind his shirt, Jaemin releasing a shaky moan as soon as his fingers touched him. Jeno smiled into the kiss upon hearing the way Jaemin was getting ruined even without proper touching.

As Jeno parted, both boys looked down at him, staring in awe.

Jaemin hadd his cheeks flushed pink, lips plump, hair messy, eyes dimmed in lust, clothes revealing just enough skin to gas them up.

He was beautiful.

“What?” Jaemin lightly laughed, a nervous tone in his voice. “You're so beautiful, Jaemin,” Jeno said, running a finger over the exposed skin on his waist. “So beautiful that I wanna mess you up.” Jaemin swallowed at the whispered words, all blood rushing down to all the right places.

“Please, do.”


	24. Connected at the right places

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !! PURE SMUT !!
> 
> Also this chapter is like almost 3000 words so...

Jeno kissed Jaemin, lips tender on his, hands groping skin. Renjun hissed, making the two part, looking at him.

“You okay?” Jaemin asked, fearing the worst again. “Yeah, why?” Jeno looked at him, eyebrows crooked into a questioning look. “Oh,” Renjun sighed, remembering what happened last time. “Oh, no, no. I'm okay. More than okay. That was just... Hot.”

Suddenly the atmosphere completely changed. Eyes scanning faces, bodies, widering when finding all the right things at all the right places, boners and blushing skins. Lust filling all three of them, the caressed each other's skin lightly.

“Renjun,” Jeno quietly said, switching his eyes to catch his. “Let's use safe words for you today. When it's too much, please, tell us.” Jaemin looked at Renjun with a smile on his lips, waiting for his answer. Renjun blushed up even more, adverting his eyes down to his lap. “I... Okay. Are, um, colors okay? Like... Green, yellow and red?” Jeno smiled brightly, eyes disappearing into the beautiful eye smile. “Yes, Renjun. More than okay,” he said, leaning in to kiss him once. “Thank you.”

Renjun smiled lightly, bitting his lip before looking at Jaemin and kissing him, lips intertwining in a heated kiss, tongues brushing over each other, hands tugging on hair and grabbing skin, pulling as close as they could. Jeno hissed at the sight, the room heating up. He leaned in and kissed Jaemin's neck, leaving a few marks behind, one hand running under his shirt, the other holding Renjun's waist, letting him know he was there for him, too.

When the boys parted from the kiss, Jaemin pulled Jeno into a kiss, tongues twisting over each other immediately. Renjun groaned at the sight and impulsively put one leg over Jaemin's lap, sitting down on him, the boy moaning loudly into the kiss at the new pressure to his erection. Jeno pulled away after Jaemin moaned and cursed; the half lid eyes, the lightly opened lips still letting out a whimper as Renjun shifted in his lap, all so beautiful.

“Fuck,” Jeno let out again, Jaemin practically a moany mess as Renjun grinded down on him, even a slight shift in his place, even as small as a touch sending him somewhere else. Renjun bent down, lips conected to Jaemin's neck before straightening and pulling his own shirt off, tossing it somewhere on the floor. He then leaned in, locked his lips with Jeno's first, then switched and kissed Jaemin, rolling his hips a bit, swallowing the loud groan Jaemin let out. After they parted, Renjun pulled Jaemin's shirt off, Jeno undressing his, too, throwing it somewhere alongside theirs.

Jeno released a shaky breath, feeling Jaemin's hand run over his waist, fingers run over his hip and across the front of his pants. Renjun smiled at him and pulled him closer to them, as close as he could, kissed him and ran one hand through his hair, tugging on it slightly before parting. Jaemin leaned closer to his knees, and placed his head on one of them, twisting his head so he was able to kiss the erected dick through the pants Jeno was wearing. Jeno groaned, throwing his head back while feeling his hands run to Jaemin's hair.

“Can I suck you off?” Jaemin whispered, making Jeno look down at him, his dick twitching before he could even say anything. Renjun started grinding down against Jaemin harder, moaning while watching the two. Jaemin pulled Jeno out of his pants just enough to be able to suck him, placing a kiss right at the tip before taking in a deep breath and taking him into his mouth.

Jeno hissed, hands dipping back into Jaemin's hair, trying hard not to rush and hurt him in any way.

Renjun moaned loudly, feeling the warm feeling in his stomach pool, knowing he wasn't going to last long and stopped rocking his hips, got off Jaemin and pulled his pants down, sudden exposure making Jaemin moan around Jeno, Jeno's hips twitching forward at the vibration, going deeper into Jaemin's mouth. Jaemin took him without stopping though, even bringing a hand up to caress his hip, for more support and touch.

Renjun placed kissed all over Jaemin's stomach, hips and got between his legs, kissing his inner thighs, then switched his position and got on all fours over him. He kissed him across his pubic area and then suddenly took him into his mouth, the tip hitting the back oh his throat immediately, bobbing his head with a fast pace from the start. Jaemin kept moaning lowly around Jeno, the vibrations making Jeno's climax nearing in on him, his whole body resisting the urge to fuck down Jaemin's throat with force. Jaemin felt his whole body tense with the upcoming release and pulled Jeno out, breathing loud and quick while jerking him off, feeling close.

Jeno brought one hand up to his mouth and spit onto his fingers, then pulled Renjun's pants down and pressed his fingers against his hole, Renjun ghasping at the feeling. He relaxed a bit and Jeno started easing his finger in, slowly fingering him.

Jaemin reached his other hand over around Renjun, placing one hand around his dick, Renjun crying out around him, making him come. “Shit-” Jaemin moaned out, feeling Renjun suck him while still bobbing his head, swallowing all of his cum, moaning while coming himself, shooting strings across his hand and stomach. Jaemin then looked at Jeno and put him back into his mouth, the tip resting on the tongue as he jerked him off, Jeno cumming across his tongue and lips, Jaemin swallowing.

“Holy shit,” Jeno whispered as he came from his high, pulling the finger out of Renjun, the boy protesting with a whine. Jaemin brushed one hand through his hair and took in a few deep breaths, lightly smiling as Renjun got off him, falling to his back. “Shit.” Renjun let out, not bothering to pull his clothes up, being displayed for them completely. Jaemin laid naked, Jeno sat with his pants rolled down his hips just enough that his dick was free, head resting between his shoulders as he leaned back.

For a second they just breathed. Took in the events that were happening, took in the smell of sex surrounding them, took in the warm temperature of the room.

Took in the warmth they felt in their hearts.

“Do you want more?” Jeno asked, feeling Jaemin nuzzle closer to him, nose burried in the crook of his knee with his hand running over his thighs, not discreetly touching his dick.

He ran one hand over his head, brushed a circle into his cheek and released a sigh, already feeling turned on again.

“Yes,” Jaemin whispered against his pants. “I want all of you. I want all of you two.” Renjun crawled over to the two and sat next to Jeno. “You've got us, Jaemin.” Jeno reassured, whispering while running a tumb across Jaemin's cheek. Jaemin smiled and leaned into the touch, grabbing Renjun's hand into his, pulling him close to kiss it.

Renjun smiled at the touch and squeezed his hand a little, their eyes meeting.

Jeno pulled Jaemin up, sitting him on his knees infront of Renjun. Renjun was quick to lock their lips together, laying down and taking Jaemin with him, the boy in between his legs on all fours. Jeno stood up for a quick second but quickly returned, his fingers running over Jaemin's hole, his lips traveling across his back, the other hand ran across his thighs, relaxing him. Jaemin moaned into the kiss, Renjun whimpering as he heard it, parting. “Jeno, can you toss me the lube?” Renjun said, voice shivering as Jaemin kissed down his neck, hand running over his dick. Jeno searched for the bottle and leaned over, giving it to Renjun, the hard dick touching between Jaemin's thighs, Jeno's finger going a bit deeper into him, making him moan loudly against Renjun's skin.

“Shit,” Renjun let out and pulled Jaemin up into a kiss, tongue twisting against his, hands grabbing his hair to pull him closer. He then parted, stared at the moaning face for a second and then kissed his nose once, letting Jeno pull him off him, to undress completely.

Jeno let Jaemin back down and pulled his finger out, lightly circled around his entrance before pushing it in again, kissing down his back and massaging his thighs. Jaemin let out a shaky moan as Jeno twisted his finger in him, adding another one, scissoring him open. 

Renjun got back on the bed, sitting a bit away from the two, legs open, lube in his hand, ready to open himself up for Jaemin. “Renjun,” Jaemin breathed out, hand twisting aroud his knee, pulling him closer to himself. “Renjun, let me eat you out,” he whimpered again, feeling Jeno add another finger.

Renjun was not going to protest and quickly got on his stomach, legs wide open in front of Jaemin, who was quick to run his tongue over his hole, making Renjun throw his head back. “Ah, fuck,” Renjun moaned out as Jaemin twisted his tongue into him, a finger following to open him up, too.

Jeno hissed at the sight, quickening the pace of his fingers, brushing against all the right places inside of Jaemin, and soon, the boy was shivering under his touch, the precum leaving him dripping all over the sheet under them. Renjun was no different; a moaning mess with twitching muscles, trying to keep in place.

Jeno wished he could keep this moment saved somewhere in his brain.

To never forget it.

“Fuck, Jeno, I don't wanna come yet, stop,” Jaemin said, parting from Renjun just enough to look back at Jeno. And God, did Jaemin look amazing; hair messy and completely out of place, slightly sticking to his forehead, lips swollen and red, cheeks painted in red, chin shining and eyes dimmed with lust, all so... Amazingly beautiful.

Jeno pulled his fingers out and pulled them up to his lips, licking them clean before lowering down and kissing Jaemin all over his back, then pushed closer and kissed his neck, his dick sliding past Jaemin's thighs, touching his painfully hard, dripping dick. Jaemin moaned into Renjun, Renjun twitching forward while moaning loudly. “Shit,” Renjun whispered, feeling Jaemin pull him back to himself, spreading his cheeks wide apart as Jeno pressed his fingers into him, deep, pace fast from the start. Jaemin placed kisses against his asscheeks and thighs, then lowered and pulled his dick backwards, tugging at it while sucking his balls. Jeno lightly grinded against Jaemin, their dicks brushing over each other each time.

Renjun started shaking, moaning loudly, crying out as the climax neared up on him. “Stop, I'm gonna come,” Renjun breathed out, eager to come but not wanting to come alone. “Shit, please,” he moaned again, gripping the sheets into fists. Jeno pulled his fingers out and lightly smacked his ass, as an encouragement. “Renjun, color?” Jaemin asked while caressing his thigh. Renjun took a second to think while breathing loudly. “Yellow.” Jeno was a bit freaked out by his answer. “What's wrong?” 

Renjun turned onto his back and leaned onto his elbows, cheeks lighting up. “I'm empty.” Renjun mumbled, the words just loud enough for the duo staring at him to hear. Jaemin took in a deep breath, looking to the side, catching Jeno's eyes into his. They kissed once before Jeno got off him and both crawled over to Renjun, who waited patiently, legs spread wide, holding his thighs, eyes searching for theirs.

Jaemin got to him first, kissing him deeply, tongues twisting over each other, both moaning into the kiss as their dicks brushed over each other. After they parted, Jeno pulled Renjun into a kiss, Jaemin taking the lube and smearing it over Renjun's hole and his own dick before pushing in, Renjun moaning loudly into Jeno's mouth, Jaemin moaning into the air, waiting for a bit before pulling out and pushing in completely. Renjun ghasped, Jeno parting from the kiss to curse and go behind Jaemin. 

Jaemin picked up a steady pace, slow, to make sure Renjun was okay with it, kissing him against his lips, neck, collarbones and chest while pushing in as deep as he could, slowly.

Jeno positioned himself behind Jaemin, lubing himself up before running his fingers over Jaemin's hole, making him twitch forward, pushing hard into Renjun. Renjun cried out, Jaemin throwing his head backwards. “Shit, sorry, Renjun, I-” “It's green, don't worry. It felt good,” Renjun said, a shy smile on his lips. “Really good.” Jaemin smiled and leaned in to kiss him, parting when feeling Jeno's hand grab his hip and felt the tip of his dick pressed against his hole. “Ah, shit,” Jaemin whispered, feeling Jeno push in, the slide much easier than he anticipated. He moaned out, feeling Jeno pull out lightly and then push back in completely, his own dick twitching inside Renjun, the other boy whimpering.

Jeno bent over, kissing Jaemin's back, neck and nibbled lightly on his shoulder, smiling into his skin. “You okay?” he asked, lips still pressed against his skin, leaving small kisses. Renjun pulled one hand up, caressed his hair once, smiling up at him before Jaemin managed to take in a proper breath, the double pleasure taking all his breath away. “Yeah. It feels amazing,” Jaemin whispered, turning his head just enough to catch Jeno's lips into his, the kiss messy and sloppy, but delicate and full of raw emotions.

Jeno pulled himself up and pulled out of Jaemin slightly before pushing back in, Jaemin straightening up, grabbing Renjun's knees for support before throwing his head backwards and then forwards, whimpering.

As Jeno moved with ease, Jaemin placed one hand onto his thigh, stopping him when he pulled out, and started rocking his hips backwards onto Jeno and forwards into Renjun.

All three of them moaning loudly at the feeling, the time stopped. It was only them three. Only them and their bodies, connected at all the right places. Only them and the amazing feeling they shared.

Jaemin started picking up speed, feeling the unresolved climax from before nearing up onto him again, moaning loudly and whining, making sure he hit all the right places inside of himself and inside of Renjun, making sure all three of them will come, making sure all three of them will be satisfied after this is over.

He didn't realise the other two had eyes on him the whole time, the unnoticed mirror opposite of them letting Jeno see everything. His closed eyes, the parted lips, the way his chest rose and fell when he sped up the thrusts, the blush that krept on his whole body as he moaned out, the messy hair sticking to his forehead,.. Having both Renjun and Jeno going crazy.

“Ah, I'm gonna come, I'm coming,” Renjun whispered amongst the moans leaving them all, Jaemin quick to agree, opening his eyes to look at Renjun only to notice Jeno's eyes on him from across the room. He twitched in realization, pace somehow slowing down, cheeks burning up. “Aah, fuck,” he let out, feeling Jeno push back against him, deep, lips attaching to his shoulder as he stared him down in the mirror.

Renjun first whined as Jaemin stopped rocking his hips, his orgasm dying down a bit but immediately felt even more turned on when finding out the two above him were watching themselves in the mirror. “Holy shit, you two,” he let out, cursing again as Jaemin started rolling his hips against both of them, throwing his head back and dragging his nails across Renjun's opened thighs, whining at the feeling. “Jaemin wait,” Renjun whispered, voice covered with thick daziness, pulling himself off him and turning around, eyes meeting theirs in the mirror when pushing back onto Jaemin.

Jaemin started thrusting again, the pace slow and steady, the new angle and position making them twice as sensitive as before. Jeno placed kisses all over Jaemin's neck and shoulders, leaving hickeys just under the nape of his neck and dragged his fingers across the most beautiful curves of Jaemin's body, each touch making him shiver. Renjun watched Jaemin in the mirror, eyes switching to Jeno's body, too. Jaemin started picking up speed again and before they all knew it, all thre of them were nearing their orgasm again. 

“Shit, Jaemin,” Jeno groaned, taking in a deep breath when feeling his whole body tense. Jaemin didn't say much but rather picked up his speed, the knot in his stomach undoing slowly. “Shit, Jaemin, ah-” Renjun cried out, grabbing the sheets into fists, knees shaking against the bed as his whole body shaked with orgasm, his cum dripping all over the bed, some got on his thighs, his walls clenching around Jaemin.

“Shit, Renjun, can I come in you? Can I come in you?” Jaemin eagerly asked, feeling on the edge, ready to burst any second. Renjun moaned in response, lightly fucking himself backwards onto him, clenching thight around him as if he never wanted him to leave. “Ye, yes! Yes!” And with the permission Jaemin picked up his speed once again and clenched around Jeno, cumming into Renjun while shaking, not stopping until he had his ass filled with Jeno's cum, too, the other boy cumming just a second after him.

“Holy shit,” Jeno said, sitting back against his heels, not pulling out of Jaemin, Jaemin still in Renjun, too.

Breaths loud, skin shining, hair sticking to their foreheads. Connected at all the right places, the boys smiled at each other through the mirror.

“Fucking shit,” Renjun let out after getting off his high a little, eyes scanning the lewd scene in the mirror. He reached his hand backwards and ran his fingers over Jaemin's knee, sighing. “You sure know how to fuck.” he laughed, seeing the smile form on Jaemin's lips making him flustered. “D, don't do that,” he shyly said, face full on blushing again. Jaemin quickly panicked at the words, the smile disappearing. “Why? Why? What's the color? Why, Renjun?”

Renjun bit his lip, the movements from behind making him stimulated again, seeing how Jeno shifted in place to look at him, worried, too. “It's hella... Green. You're just... Making me flustered.”

Both Jaemin and Jeno sighed in relief and Jaemin delivered a playful smack against Renjun's asscheek, Renjun lightly twitching forward with a moan leaving his lips.

“Holy fucking shit,” Jeno let out, the boys freezing on spot, eyes glued to the blushing mess infront of them in the mirror. “If you don't pull out, Jeno, I'm gonna get hard again,” Jaemin said, hand going down to Jeno's hip, fingers dipping around his cut out silhouette.

“I don't have enough energy after all that,” Renjun said, a laugh leaving his lips, the other two following with a giggle.

Jaemin didn't want to stop - he had to. He had been trying to surpress the urge to cough his lungs out this entire time.

He wanted to feel them as close as he could, for as long as he could.

For as long as he still had.


	25. Secrets still kept

Jeno pulled out of Jaemin, the other boy hissing as he felt the cum drip out of him, a generous amount spilling down his thighs, oozing onto the bed. Jeno stared at him, and just stared. He couldn't get enough of him.

Jaemin started pulling out of Renjun, cum oozing out of the other boy, too. “A, a, ah-” Renjun clenched in response, feeling sensitive, hugging around Jaemin tightly, the other boy moaning while clenching his teeth. “Fuck, Renjun,” Jaemin whispered, feeling overwhelmed.

He finally felt needed. Wanted. Loved.

“Jae- Jaemin? Why are you crying?” Jeno asked, hands quick to hold him, cup his cheeks, the concern and worry painted across his face genuine. And Jaemin felt like crying even more; he wanted to scream. He is going to lose this. He is going to lose them.

“I love you,” he let out, tears staining Jeno's hands furthermore. “I love you so much,” he whispered, voice cracking. Renjun got up and turned, taking Jaemin's hand into his, fingers brushing across his. “I love you,” both Renjun and Jeno said in unison, making Jaemin smile, smiling at each other, too.

Renjun pulled his hand up to cup both their cheeks, running his thumb over their shading skin. The moment was so intimate, so full of emotions the three felt like their hearts might explode.

“I'm taking the shower first,” Jaemin whispered, words dalicate, but erupting laughter and giggles from the other two. “Yeah, sure. Go ahead,” Jeno said, leaning in to kiss his shoulder before kissing his cheek, too. “I'll be super quick, I promise.” “You two know there's two bathrooms, right? I'm taking the other one.” “What? Wasn't there only one?” “No, two. One has a bathtub, the other has a shower.”

After admitting that they didn't knew about the other bathroom, Jaemin and Jeno returned to the room, Jaemin taking clothes and went to shower.

Jeno pulled the already dirty underwear back up along with the pants, waiting for his turn to shower.

As soon as he closed the door, Jaemin rushed to the shower, opened the water to max and collapsed against the tiles, coughing as quietly as he could, knowinf the two might be able to hear him. He washed the red from his lips and hands, but it just kept coming.

He was dying, and there was no way to save him.

He was losing them.

Not wasting time, he got as much in shape as he could, washed asnd cleaned for further purposes, making himself swallow the disgusting tablet his doctor gave him before leaving to slow the lungs filling with blood. He wasn't sure if it will help, but he wasn't taking any chances.

“Jeno, it's free.” “Sweet,” Jeno said, hand coming up to Jaemin's chin, cupping it and kissing him, humming into the kiss. Jeno pulled away and looked at Jaemin a bit, scanned his face. “You taste like blood,” he said, eyes scanning Jaemin's. Jaemin panicked. “A, ah, yeah. I bit my tongue while washing down there.” Jeno went red at the words, surpressing a smile. “You, you should've been careful.” Finally breaking into the smile he was trying to hide, he leaned in and kissed Jaemin's nose, running one hand along the line of his spine.

“I'll be quick. Let's make something to eat then, yeah?” Jaemin smiled. “Sounds like a plan.”

Renjun locked the door as soon as the two left the bathroom, opened the water to max, as cold as possible and laid into the bathtub, hoping the shivering cold water will help him not lose consciousness as he got run over by the attack. Taking in a deep breath, he felt his heart give in, beating according to his own pace and his eyes rolled back into his skull, body stopping in its place.

“Ah, shit,” he choked out, grabbing his chest, the breath in his lungs short, the cold water surprisingly doing its job.

He felt like he was losing the battle for a quick second before a knock was heard on the door. “Renjun? Are you okay in there?” He took in a breath and calmed down for a bit. “Yeah, why?” Jaemin sighed from behind the door. “Jeno is taking the shower, after that we're making something to eat. Do you have any special wishes?” 

God, did Renjun feel bad lying like this.

“N, no. Make whatever you like,” he let out, trying to sound as composed as possible. Instead, he had tears in his eyes, overflowing almost, breath hitching in his throat. At least the stupid heart in his chest wasn't acting up anymore, the attack passing.

“Okay. Don't fall asleep in there, you sound a bit sleepy.”

Just as he came, Jaemin left.

God, was he wrong.

“Oh, fuck,” Renjun whispered to himself, finally able to take in a deep breath, completely calm. “Shit.”

He got out of the bathtub after cleaning properly, drying up and dressing up, smiling when hearing laughter from the other side of the door.

‘I could wake up to this everyday,’ Renjun suddenly thought.

‘I could live off of their laughs,’ he thought, hearing Jeno laugh again.

And suddenly, he felt sad. After all, if they're this happy, if he's happy, he will lose them. He's going to die being happy.

‘Rather dying happy than living without them.’ he promised to himself, a smile plastered on his lips as he opened the door, finding the scene across the hall way too adorable to stay sad.

Jeno had Jaemin pinned against the wall, hands cupping his cheeks as the other smiled widely. Jeno leaned in and kissed him, the smile on Jaemin's lips never dying down, Jeno cursing lightly when kissing the beautiful smile Jaemin was displaying.

“Weren't you supposed to be cooking?” Renjun said from the bathroom door, both boys turning to face him, flustered looks on their faces. “We already finished,” Jeno said as Renjun came closer to them, first wrapping one hand over Jeno's back and then tucked the other one under Jaemin's chin, tiptoeing to kiss him, Jaemin humming into the kiss. As they parted, Renjun kissed Jeno, too, Jeno wrapping one hand around him, pulling his waist into him.

“We made pancakes.” Jeno whispered against Renjun's lips, Renjun pulling away to look at Jaemin. “Again? We are gonna get fat at this rate,” Renjun laughed, the other two breaking into giggles too.

“We didn't get to eat them the last time we were here, so I figured we could correct the bad memories and replace them with good ones.”

And both Jaemin and Renjun felt their stomachs flutter with butterflies, melting.

“Shit, I'd get fat for that in a second,” Jaemin said, all three laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might won't be able to put anything new up for the next week, so sorry!
> 
> Also, I started a new fic, 'Leave the light on' with Donghyuck and Mark!
> 
> If you're interested, do check it out!


	26. No energy left

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick warning, next chapter may require a box of tissues, for both uses ;)
> 
> But in all seriousness, I hope I might finish this story till the end this week. (Please, do leave some positive feedback as it may help me write. You guys have no idea how much it helps!)

After eating the pancakes Jeno made, which were delicious and all three of them over ate them, the trio settled by the fireplace, the warmth from the fire slowly making them doze off.

“Jaemin,” Renjun whispered, the hand in his hair slowly drawing circles into his scalp making him drowsy. “If you keep doing that I might fall asleep.” Jaemin just hummed in response, the warmth making his whole body relax.

Jeno sat up against the couch, Jaemin pressed his head against Jeno's thigh, Renjun laying so his head was on Jeno's lap, hands wrapped around both of them. Jaemin and Renjun were so close they could take each others breaths, but instead they close their eyes and enjoyed the warm feeling of being loved.

“You two,” Jeno said with a smile, the happiness heard in his voice. “Are the loves of my life.” Jaemin felt his stomach burst in butterflies, the tips of his ears colored red, a smile appeared on his lips. Renjun smiled and hid his face in Jeno's thigh, his cheek brushing along Jaemin's nose, Jaemin bursting into a smile as well.

After the giggles died down, Jeno took in a deep breath, hands running alongside their cheeks and stopping to draw circles into their hair. “I'm dead serious, though.” he let out, more of a sigh than anything else, the other two boys catching onto it nonetheless.

“I actually... Didn't think I'd be here. Like this, with you, ever.” Renjun turned to his back, now facing up at Jeno. Jaemin, too, opened his eyes and let them land on the talking boy. “What do you mean by that? Because of everything that happened?” Jeno gulped at the sudden questions thrown his way, the expecting eyes, the trembling hands.

He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I never thought I'd be gay.”

Suddenly, the only thing you could hear was the sound of fire breaking through the wood in the fireplace.

Renjun turned his head to look at Jaemin, the other boy looking back at him. “Really?” Jeno let out a deep breath he was holding since a few seconds ago, anticipating the answer.

“Yeah...” Renjun sat up, Jaemin following soon behind, both taking one of Jeno's hands into their. “I never... Um, I never thought I'd have two people by my side who made me realize what I am, who I am. I never thought I'd be able to fall in love with two people at the same time, since I'm practically incapable of giving love,” Jeno choked out, tears gathering in his eyes the more he spoke. “So, I am so, so, so grateful. To be able to have you and call you mine. To be able to say that I love you, and to get love back. It took me such a long time to get my head around the thoughts, and I'm so sorry,” he whispered, tears slipping past his eyelashes, cheeks blushing a soft color of pink.

Jaemin let Renjun whipe away the tears off his cheeks and then took in a deep breath, looking at him. “Jeno, at the time in the hospital...” Jeno and Renjun looked at him, each gulping down a massive load. “Were you having hard time because of... this?” Jeno sighed, blinking away another load of tears. “Actually... Yeah, kindda. That's why I kept my distance, amongst other things. I was scared to confess to myself that I indeed am gay, but I am so glad I am. I am so glad I did. I have you,” he let out, voice trembling. “I have you both.” Jaemin felt his fingers nervously pull his hands closer and closer, so he let go off him and wrapped his hand around his neck, hugging him tightly.

Renjun scooped closer and wrapped his hands around both of them, resting his forhead against Jeno's shoulder, feeling tears dripp feom his eyes down his nose and cheeks, staining everything in the way.

Because he felt he same. Because Jaemin felt the same. Because Jeno felt the same. They cried because they felt the same.

“I love you,” Jaemin whispered after parting, eyes focused on Jeno's, a smile finally appearing on the other boy's lips. “I love you,” Renjun whispered before pulling himself closer and pressing a kiss against Jeno's shoulder, looking up at him. “I love you, both, so, so, so, much.” he let out, his hands coming up to cup both of their cheeks, the duo letting themselves be held. “I don't wanna have this end,” he whispered, the tears in his eyes now only indicated with the shine resembling stars. “Ever.”

Agreeing, the trio smiled at each other one last time before leaning in and kissing, the kiss turning into a passionate make out session, hands roaming bodies and lips exploring lips. Switching between each other, the none busy one left kisses across the other two's necks, jawlines, wherever there was place.

“Shit, wait a second,” Renjun said, parting from his kiss with Jaemin, feeling the bulge in his pants suddenly get bigger. “Are you okay? What's your color, baby?” Jaemin asked, voice glazed with thick honey, husky and deep, the nickname only furthermore making Renjun lose his mind.

“I... Think it's... Greenish.” Jeno crooked an eyebrow. “How so?” Renjun licked his lips, looking down to the fingers tapping on his thigh. “I'm not sure I have enough energy to go another round, but I really, desperately want to.” he whispered, the words bringing a blush across his cheeks, making both Jaemin and Jeno smile.

“I have zero energy left, too.” Jaemin laughed, Jeno laughing and nodding along. “Then... What should we do?”

The question rose the sexual tension the room had just a few seconds ago. All three of them thought for a bit, searching for ideas.

“Let's just... Sleep?” Jaemin suggested, laughing.

Renjun was laying down before Jaemin managed to say anything else, nuzzling into Jeno's thigh, smiling as he felt Jeno's hand in his hair, caressing him.

Jaemin smiled at Jeno, Jeno smiled back, leaned in for another kiss and then pulled him close to himself, laying down next to Renjun, all three of them nuzzling into each other on the fluffly carpet infront of the fireplace.

Jaemin woke up what felt an hour later, noticing the fire didn't die out yet and the boys were still sleeping, Renjun curled up against Jeno's neck and side, soft hums leaving both of them.

Jaemin pulled away carefully, threw something on the fire to keep it alive and sat on the couch, feeling the tears suddenly pile up on him.

He suddenly felt every part of him cry and break into million pieces.

‘Fuck, I should tell them,’ he thought for a second; until Renjun nuzzled against Jeno more, Jeno pulling him closer unconsciously, one hand extending out to search for Jaemin, too.

Jaemin smiled to himself amongst the fallen tears, whipping them away before standing up and getting himself a piece of paper, a pen and a box of tissue.

“Dear Jeno and Renjun, Renjun and Jeno.”


	27. Heavy words said out loud?

Sitting by the window in the dinning room, Jaemin watched as the nature slowly woke up from the night, sun rising, painting the sky in vivid colours.

He spent the whole night writing a letter, writing something that might help him clear out any feeling he still had; mostly about dying and lying to people he cared most about.

He couldn't bring himself to tell them the truth about himself, so he prayed they will get the letter when he passes, bringing them explanation and peace.

One last time, he ran his fingers along the sides of the paper, pulling it up to read it for, hopefully, last time, because the words stung him like needles.

‘Dear Jeno and Renjun, Renjun and Jeno. 

First off, let me start with two words: thank you. Thank you simply for loving me. For giving me love, for being next to me, for holding me and making me feel loved. For the time I was with you, I sincerely thank you. I had so much love to give, so thank you for letting me love you, even if it wasn't always perfect. Thank you.

I love you. I loved you when I was with you, and I will continue to love you when we are apart. I am so sorry for leaving, but one thing I can say is that at least I'm not in pain anymore.

I never in a million years thought I'd have to plan my own funeral, but here we are. Please, read carefully for the next part, and please, make sure everything is right. I don't want you to be sad, please, don't-’

“Jaemin? What are you doing here?” quickly hiding the letter, Jaemin locked eyes with Jeno, who stumbled into the dining room, eyes half closed, clearly still half asleep.

“Did I wake you up?” Jeno shook his head. “We slept through the whole night,” Jeno said, yawning while stretching. “Where were you tho?” Jaemin adverted his eyes from the questioning face. 

“I was, um, I couldn't sleep. I had an idea and I wanted to write a song, but I ended up zoning out instead.” Jeno smiled, came closer tohim and ruffled his hair, kissing the top of his head and smiled again. “Let's make breakfast,” Jeno said, the husky tone in his voice driving a shiver down Jaemin's spine.

Fuck, he's gonna lose this.

“What do you wanna eat?” Jaemin traced his eyes over to the boy standing infront of the fridge, the shirt lifted just enough he teased the beautiful skin across his hip, the pants he wore hung low on his waistline. Brushing one hand through his hair, Jeno looked at Jaemin not getting a reply.

“Jaemin?” “Hm? What?” Jeno smiled a bit. “What do you wanna eat?”

Jaemin had to take a breath before speaking, because he almost said ‘you’.

“I... Anything's fine.”

Renjun came into the kitchen as soon as Jeno started heating things up, cooking coffee, making some tea, toasting the bread, baking the eggs.

“Mmm, smells good,” Renjun mumbled, eyes still half closed as he stumbled over to Jaemin, slidding into his lap, hugging around his neck, cheek leaning against Jaemin's. Jaemin smiled a bit as Renjun relaxed in his embrace, his legs spread over his thighs, chest pressed together, hands playing with hair. “You okay?” Jaemin asked, Renjun sighing. “Very.”

Jaemin laughed out after Renjun nuzzled closer to him, hands tightly hugging him. “Very what?” Renjun took in a deep breath, and Jaemin could feel him smile into his neck. “Very in love.”

The answer made both Jeno and Jaemin freeze in place, eyes locked with each other. “I love you,” Renjun whispered against Jaemin's neck, pulling away just enough to look at him, locking lips into a short kiss and lean his forehead against his collarbone. “I love you.” he whispered again, eyes closed, hands lowering down to play in his lap.

“I love you,” Jaemin whispered back, one hand running up to Renjun's chin to pull his head up. When their eyes locked, Jaemin leaned in and kissed his nose, a giggle leaving both of them. Jeno walked over to the table, setting down the eggs and bread, hands quick to run to each of them, each hand on one cheek. “I love you,” he whispered with a smile, leaning down to kiss both of their foreheads.

“Let's eat,” Jeno said, helping Renjun off Jaemin, the two laughing along. “Yeah.”

Talking for a bit while eating, the debate landed on some sensitive topics.

“Did you guys tell your moms?” Renjun's eyes searched for an answer, scanning both of their faces. “I didn't really tell her, she found out herself.” Jaemin said, shrugging his shoulders.

“I didn't. But I think she knows,” Jeno said, and somehow, both boys knew the reason he didn't. He didn't believe in himself altogether that much.

“My mum said she doesn't know what we have, but is happy to see me happy. So i guess, as long as you don't ghost up on me, we'll be fine,” Renjun said, laughing with the last words.

“That's good,” Jeno said, smiling, looking at both of them. “Yeah,” Jaemin said, nodding. Renjun smiled while resting his head on his palm, hair falling across his eyes.

Jeno brought one hand up and tucked the hair behind his ear. “There, don't cover your beautiful face,” Jeno murmured, more to himself than anyone else, the praise making Renjun's cheeks light up, the tips of his ears burning. He shyly smiled, face palming. “What, what? What's going on?” Jaemin laughed, both watching the blushing boy, whose fluster was incredibly obvious.

“No, nothing, I just-” Face palming again, Renjun let out a cry. He was too embarrassed to look at them, face and, now neck also, blushing up. Jeno smiled brightly and pulled down his hands, Renjun's eyes making contact with his. “What's going on? Did you like it that much?” Jaemin teased, seeing the eldest trying to calm himself down.

Renjun bit his lip and took in a deep breath, adveting his eyes from Jeno, looking up to the ceiling.

“Oh? Are you into those stuff? You like to be praised?” Renjun snapped his eyes down at Jaemin, widering his eyes. “No! There's no such thing,” he said, but the blush crept all over his body, the boy holding his hands noticing every little detail. “Stop lying,” Jeno whispered with a smile, pulling Renjun closer, lips almost touching his. “I'm not,” Renjun hissed, and Jeno burst into laugh again, pulling away.

Jaemin suddenly felt a big lump in his throat, and a coughing fit closing in on him. He coughed, then immediately looked at his hands.

He felt relieved. His hands were clean.

No blood.

“Jaemin, are you okay?” “Did you get sick?” Jaemin forced a smile. “I think I did.” Renjun stood up tsking at him, and was quick to bring him some medicine and a cup of hot tea. “We said good memories, not bad ones, remember?”

Jaemin felt the forced smile fade away a bit. He's going to make it bad, anyway. No matter how much he tries. It's all gonna be bad memories when he d-

“Jaemin?” “Hm?” “You're zoning out. Are you sure you're okay?” “Yeah, I'm fine. I guess I just caught a cold,” Jaemin saod, eyes turning away from the staring ones. Suddenly, Renjun cupped his cheeks and pulled his head up, eyes meeting his. “Shit, you're so pale, Jaemin.” Jeno said, cupping his face into his hands. Jeno's hands were warm compared to his cold skin, and Jaemin felt his eyes fill with tears.

“Are you crying?” “No, no. I just... From coughing.”

Forcing him to drink the pills, Jaemin knew there was not a long time before he would be gone.

They ate the breakfast and cleaned the table, then Jaemin said he'll call his mother and excused himself as the other two seated themselves infront of the fireplace, cuddling.

Jaemin made sure he was far enough from the house that the boys wouldn't hear him speak, and called his doctor.

‘Hello?’ “Ah... It's Jaemin.” A sudden gasp came from the other side of the phone. ‘Oh, Jaemin. What's going on? You never call me on this number,’ the man asked, the number Jaemin was calling on his private number.

Jaemin suddenly felt tears gether in his eyes and his breath hitch in his throat.

‘Jaemin? Are you okay? Is something wrong?’ the man asked, panicking as he heard Jaemin crying.

“I... I think you were right.” Jaemin let out, swallowing down the big lump in his throat. ‘About what?’ “I should've told them while I still had time. What do I do? What the hell do I do now?” Jaemin cried hard, breath hitching as he spoke.

‘J- Jaemin, what's going on? Let's talk.’ the doctor said, his voice calm but Jaemin still sensed how tense he was.

‘Are you taking medications?’ Jaemin smiled. “They're making me sick.” ‘Then don't take them anymore. I told you they were either working or making you worse. Did you experience any new symptoms?’ Jaemin wanted to say no.

God, how much did he want to say no.

“Yeah.” Doctor sighed. ‘Dry coughing?’ “Yes...” ‘Jaemin, you should come back as soon as possible. I think you should be hospitalised right away. The symptoms you have are a sign of your lungs-’ “Doc,” Jaemin said, voice choked and tears strolling down his cheeks. “How long do I have?”

Doctor sighed. There was a sudden silence, and Jaemin knew he didn't have long anymore.

“Doc?” ‘Jaemin... Considering the last time you came for a check up and what you are telling me now... It's hard to say. It's progressing so much differently than anything I ever treated. I don't-’ “Ah, Doc. Come on. Just say the number already. I know it's coming to an end.”

Jaemin whipped his cheeks, new tears already falling.

Shit, he's going to lose everything.

“Doc.” ‘Jaemin, I don't think you have more than a week left before your lungs collapse again. And you know that if they collapse again...’ “I'm gonna die.”

Both remained quiet for a second. Jaemin had never said the word. And now that he did, he feels as if he's already dead.

“Thank you. For everything you've ever done for me, doctor. And thank you for being my friend, Hyunjae. Thank you for everything.” ‘Jaemin? Come back, yeah? I'll help you get better, huh?’ the doctor pleaded, but it didn't help. Jaemin said goodbye and there was nothing the man could do about it. ‘Ya, Na Jaemin!’ Not caring about the man's shouting, Jaemin hung up on him.

Sad. Jaemin felt impossibly sad.

He knew it was coming, but he didn't think it was nearing on him so quickly.

The fact that he might die before he even gets home from this house scaring him to his bones. The fact that he might create bad memories for the other two in this house again...

He calmed down and took in a few deep breaths, deciding that his future does not effect what today and tomorrow are going to be like.

“Ya, Jaemin. Are you insane? You've been standing outside in that cold while you're this sick? Are you-” Renjun's words cut off as Jaemin threw his phone on the table before coming to the couch and pulled the pullover he was wearing along with the shirt underneath it over his head and threw it onto the nearest piece of furniture. He then walked over and sat down on Jeno backwards, kissing Renjun, the boy sitting up just a few moments ago.

“Oh, shit,” Jeno let out, Jaemin slightly grinding down onto him as the kiss with Renjun deepend, tongues twisting over each other.

“Jaemin, Jaemin. What's going on?” Jaemin pulled away and smiled. “I booked the house for another day, so we have whole today and whole tomorrow.” Renjun blushed up, eyes scanning Jaemin's face with a small smile on his lips. Jeno smiled and laced his fingers with Jaemin's.

“Well, then.” Jeno said, his dick twitching under Jaemin as the boy settled right on it and smiled becwards at Jeno. “Please, proceed.”

The trio laughed before Jaemin and Renjun kissed again, Jaemin immediately grinding down onto Jeno.

Jaemin wanted to feel them. As close as he could. For as long as he could.

Another day won't hurt.

“Ah, shit, Jeno,” Jaemin moaned as he parted, the slight slap on his ass making him twitch in his pants.

Renjun pulled his own shirt off, lips attaching to Jaemin's neck, hands going down to cup him into his hands through the pants, Jaemin throwing his head backwards while moaning. Jeno pulled one hand up to Jaemin's waist and held him in place before thrusting up against him. Renjun settled on one of Jeno's thighs, their legs all tangled together as he dry humped against Jeno's tensed muscles.

“Holy shit,” Jeno moaned.

“Wait, wait. Just a sec,” Jaemin said, the coughing fit coming again. He coughed and tried to look at his hands without the other noticing the potential blood that may stain them. He felt relieved that there was none.

“You okay? Should we go slower?” Jaemin nodded back at Jeno, the idea of a sensual vanilla sex making all three of them even needier.

Jeno told the two to get up and told them to wait on the floor, the fuzzy carpet suddenly the perfect place fo them to make love. The warmth coming from the fireplace just right, the wide space just enough for them to do anything they wanted.

He came back in a second, two bottles of lube in his hands, some more tucked in his pockets. The amount of them made both Renjun and Jaemin laugh out.

“Are you planning an orgy or something?” Renjun said, laughing along with Jaemin. “No, there's just never too much lube.” Agreeing, Jeno threw the bottles onto the couch and kneeled onto the carpet, first kissing Renjun then turning to Jaemin and kissed him, tongues twisting over each other.

With one hand, Jaemin reached out and palmed Renjun through his pants, the other boy placed kisses against Jeno's neck. Jeno parted and pulled the shirt over his head, throwing it onto the floor not far away. Renjun kissed Jaemin, hands roaming each other's bodies.

For a second the trio stopped to catch a breath. Jaemin felt as if time stopped; the searching hands and warm lips against his cold skin making him completely forget about the clock ticking on him.

“Jaemin,” Jeno said, bringing one hand up to his cheek. “Are you okay?” Jaemin softly smiled. “I'm fine.” he whispered, Renjun entwining hands with him, fingertips drawing circles into his skin softly. “I love you.” 

The sudden words almost felt like a goodbye to Jaemin; but the other two didn't suspect a thing and brightly smiled at him, saying the words back.

“Is there anything you need, Jaemin? You're turning so pale these past few days,” Renjun asked, one hand coming up to caress his cheek. Jeno joined on the other, Jaemin smiling. “You've also lost a lot of weight, you know? Are you sure it's just a cold?” Jaemin suddenly felt at a dead end.

Is this... How he ruins it?

“I always get skinny when I'm sick, you know that.” The lies once again overweighted the truth, and Jaemin felt impossibly sad.

“That's true,” Jeno whispered to himself.

Renjun pulled closer to Jaemin and kissed down his neck, hand going lower to his hip, teasing across his erecting boner. Jaemin lightly moaned, quickly running one hand over Renjun's back and pulled him up to kiss him, Jeno taking Renjun's place, kissing his neck.

Renjun parted and softly smiled at Jaemin. “Do you need anything, Jaemin?” Jaemin thought for a second. What does he want? To live?

Should he wish for something realistic instead?

“I need you.” And with that Renjun pulled one leg over Jaemin's lap, straddling him and kissed him, slowly dryhumping down onto him, Jeno sitting behind him and pulling him against himself, the boy leaning back just enough for Jeno to kiss down his neck and run his hands across his skin.

Touches were slow and the pace calm, steady, and the fact that the three weren't rushing to get off made all of them needier.


	28. Sex by the fireplace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strong sexual content!!
> 
> Okay so yes I might have gone overboard but nevermind that

“Ah, fuck,” Renjun whispered, lips attaching to Jaemin's in a sloppy kiss, full of moans and bad words as he rocked his hips against Jaemin's, the friction strangely not enough anymore. Both wanting more and more with each touch, each kiss, each breath.

And judging by the sounds Jeno was letting out it seemed as if he was just as desperate.

“Shit, I can't take it anymore,” Jaemin whispered, both hands going down to his lap, fingers working on their pants to pull them out. Jeno pulled his hand around Jaemin and around both of their dicks, humping them. Renjun let out a shaky cry, head falling forwards just enough to catch Jaemin's forehead against his. Their eyes made contact and they pulled away, watching each other, a hiss coming from the back.

“Shit, Jeno.” “Holy fuck, just like that.” Jaemin threw his head backwards onto Jeno's shoulder and twisted one hand around himself, groping Jeno's dick into his hands, giving him a squeeze. Jeno moaned, panting, the other two becoming moany messes underneath his touch.

“Fuck, fuck, I'm gonna come,” Renjun whispered, head falling backwards then forwards, breath coming high pitched, moans breathy and loud as he came in stripes across Jeno's hand and Jaemin's torso. Jaemin hissed as he felt the cum drip down his own dick, bucking up into Jeno's fist as he came, muscles twitching, his cum mixing with Renjun's.

“Holy shit,” Jaemin let out breathy and low, hand on their dicks disappearing as Jeno pulled it back and licked at it, the cum dripping down his lip a bit. Renjun hissed and leaned over Jaemin, licking Jeno's lip before kissing him, Jaemin propping to the side just enough to watch them.

Renjun pulled away and got off Jaemin's lap, pulling down his remaining clothes and turned to Jaemin, pulling his down as well. Jeno pulled his own pants off, staring at the other two. They kissed before turning to Jeno, Renjun lowering immediately, lips kissing against the tip of Jeno's dick, tongue teasing against the rim of it; Jeno throwing back his head, against the couch, and moaning. Jaemin kissed down his neck, leaving hickeys all over his neck and shoulder, hand groping his balls. “Fuck,” Jeno let out as Renjun put him into his mouth, taking most of him in first go. Jaemin felt his dick twitch back to life as he watched Renjun work on Jeno, the small gags and lewd sounds coming from both of them making him go crazy. “Shit, you're so good,” Jeno whispered and hissed as he felt Renjun hum, the compliment leaving Renjun needier than ever.

“Shit, I'm gonna come,” Jeno moaned, eyes falling closed as Renjun quickened the pace, Jaemin's hand tightening the grab on his balls, and Jeno felt his hips buck up, Renjun humming as he felt cum drip down his throat, Jaemin feeling his balls pulse as he came.

Renjun pulled up and Jaemin pulled him into a kiss, tasting Jeno as their tongues twisted over each other. Jeno took a second to calm down and then brought one hand over Jaemin's back and lightly pushed against him, bending him over. He placed kisses against his bare back while running his hands over his skin, Renjun sitting infront of him, Jaemin's head resting on his thigh.

Jeno let his hands caress the inside of Jaemin's thighs, Jaemin shivering as Jeno's fingers came close to his hole, releasing breathy moans against Renjun's skin. Jeno then lowered and licked a stripe up Jaemin's ass, Jaemin twitching forward a bit, lips landing right on Renjun's dick, and Jaemin didn't hesitate to put it into his mouth and suck on it, since anything else was out of question.

Jeno worked his tongue into Jaemin, easing him open with his fingers, Jaemin humming and whimpering against Renjun. “Shit, wait, wait,” Jaemin said, pulling off Renjun and fixing his hand into Jeno's hair, hoping the older will stop his actions. “Why, why? What's wrong?” Jeno asked, quickly getting up and running one hand over Jaemin's back, eyes wide at him. Jaemin coughed, a fit that's been building up on him for the last few minutes finally breaking. He felt like he wasn't able to take enough air in and kept coughing, his hands luckly for him clean.

“Shit,” Renjun let out as he pat Jaemin on the back in hope to helping him. “I'll get you some water,” he said, standing up but Jaemin grabbed his hand and stopped him, the coughing finally dying down. “I'm fine. Renjun, I'm fine.” Renjun sighed and sat back down, pulling him up, closer to himself, placing a kiss on top of his head. “Use colors next time. You're scaring me,” he said, voice almost a mumble as he remembered the last time they were laying carelessly there.

“Okay.” Jeno let out a long sigh, more in a content type, and a small smile appeared on his lips as he crawled over to the two, hand cupping Jaemin's cheek. “What's your color?” Jaemin smiled. “Green.”

“Good boy,” Jeno let out and kissed him, the nicknames and praises making him shiver under their touches.

Jeno pulled away and kissed Renjun, too, cupping his cheek while still holding Jaemin's. After parting, he looked at them. “Let's go really slow, huh? We have whole day, and tomorrow, too.” Renjun smiled and skipped his eyes down to Jaemin's, who smiled softly, nodding. “Yeah.”

Jeno helped Jaemin up and bent him over so his stomach was on the couch, Renjun following. Jeno then came behind them and run his hands all over their bare bodies, softly, gently, as if he was painting small flowers all over their bodies with his fingertips. He lowered, his lips traveling from one boy to the other, kisses leaving a lingering feeling on their skin. Jaemin pulled Renjun into a kiss as Jeno slowly worked his way down their bodies, hands now caressing skin right below their asses, over their inner thighs, lips kissing across the small of their backs, cheeks and thighs. They moaned a bit into each others mouths before parting, Renjun lacing fingers with Jaemin's, smiling at each other.

“Colors?” “Green.” Both boys answered in unison, giggling. Renjun bit his lip, Jaemin's lips curling into an excited smile. Jeno opened the tube of lube that was the closest and poured a generous amount on his both hands and slowly lubed their holes up, fingers slowly teasing their entrances.

“Ah,” Renjun let out as Jeno pushed in one finger, Jaemin felt his fingers curl against the couch, bottom lip trapped between his teeth. “Colors?” “Green, green.” Renjun said, easing himself backwards, gently fucking himself onto Jeno. “Green.” Jaemin let out, the finger inside of him only a mere tease. Jeno smiled and praised them, Renjun's dick twitching at the pretty words Jeno used. “Shit,” Jaemin whispered, watching Renjun's face as Jeno added another finger, pace slow and steady, adding lube every now and then. 

“Ah, fuck, Jeno,” Jaemin let out, Jeno's fingers suddenly scissoring inside of him, trying to open him as much as possible. Renjun swore, letting his head fall forwards as he twitched when Jeno pushed deeper after adding another finger. “Colors?” Jaemin nodded, catching his breath as Jeno slowly dragged his fingers out of him and fucking them back inside, gliding over every sweet spot inside of him. “Green, green, it's green.” he managed to mumble. Renjun moaned loudly, his breath hitching in his throat. “Green, I'm close,” he mumbled and suddenly, Jeno stopped his hands but didn't pull out, both boys whining at the fading orgasm. “Jeno, fuck,” Renjun let out and pushed backwards, fucking himself onto his fingers until Jeno pulled them out of him. Renjun was ready to protest until he felt Jeno's tip pressed against his hole, slowly slidding in.

Renjun moaned loudly, his lips quickly becoming busy with Jaemin's dick as the youngest sat infront of him, legs spread wide. Renjun hummed at the slow pace Jeno was fucking him, the vibrations sending a shiver down Jaemin's spine, the other boy moaning loudly when Renjun slid his tongue across his slit.

Jeno kept one hand on Renjun's hip, the other he brought up to Jaemin's knee, fingers slowly tracing the, now, warmer skin.

“Ah, ah, shit,” Jaemin moaned out, Renjun taking him whole into his mouth, his palms resting against his hip bones, his eyes locking with Jeno's as the older fucked into Renjun. Renjun gagged around Jaemin as Jeno picked up pace, the sudden change making Renjun twitch forward, getting Jaemin even deeper down his throat. Renjun pulled off, breathing heavily, straightening up and leaning onto his hands, face now only centimeters away from Jaemin's. “Jeno,” Renjun moaned in between breaths. “Jeno, choke me.” Jeno groaned before reaching one hand up to Renjun's neck, lightly pressing at it. Jaemin felt his mouth water up at the scene and let one hand fall down to his dick, stroking himself along to the pace the duo were fucking infront of him. When Renjun's breaths got a tad bit too shallow, Jeno slowed down, letting go off his neck. “Color, baby?” Renjun cried out at the nickname. “Green,” he let out, eyes fixing on Jaemin's. Jeno looked at Jaemin, too, their eyes now locking together. Jaemin felt one hand wrap around his dick and quicken the pace, tongue sloppily tracing the tip and felt as if he will combust right there.

“I'm gonna come,” Renjun mumbled, words almost a whisper amongst the heavy breathing and Jeno picked up his pace again, Renjun crying out before coming, his whole body twitching as he shot across Jaemin's legs, thighs, and the couch, his head falling backwards against Jeno's shoulder, hand still working on Jaemin. Jeno pushed Renjun forward and the eldest leaned over Jaemin's leg, Jeno's lips taking whole Jaemin in, sucking on him while still fucking himself into Renjun. Jaemin felt his orgasm closing in and started bucking his hips up into Jeno, grabbing his hair. Jeno bobbed his head a bit and soon felt Jaemin come into his mouth, down his throat and swallowed, pulling off. Jeno came in Renjun, his dick twitching inside of him, Renjun crying out as he filled him up.

“Holy shit,” Jaemin let out, collapsing against the couch. Jeno pulled out of Renjun, his cum spilling all over Renjun's thighs. “Fuck,” Jeno whispered, a small smack landing against Renjun's ass before he pulled himself up and kissed Jaemin, the kiss messy and wet, Jaemin tasting himself in the kiss.

“Shit. That wasn't, like, vanilla at all.” Renjun mumbled, picking himself up to kiss both of them. Jaemin and Jeno smiled, a light giggle leaving their lips. “We suck at it.” “Yeah.”

After catching a breath, Renjun climbed up on Jaemin's lap, kissing him gently, not taking too long so the youngest could breathe. Jaemin hummed as he felt Jeno's cum smudge onto him, Renjun's thighs still covered in it. Jeno pulled himself up and took Jaemin's hand, Renjun getting off him and sitting onto the couch. Jaemin got up and kissed Jeno, Jeno's hands going down to Jaemin's ass, giving him a squeeze. Jaemin smiled into the kiss, a breathy moan leaving his lips as Jeno pulled his cheeks apart, pulling him closer to himself.

Renjun sat back and stroke himself, his dick surprisingly not completly soft with his last orgasm. Jeno pulled Jaemin closer, Jaemin suddenly running one hand to his dick, stroking him. Jeno pulled away and hissed, throwing his head back with a moan leaving his lips. “Jeno, ya,” Jaemin started, his other hand going to his ass. “Did you ever play with your ass?”

Jeno suddenly froze. Did he?

“Um, I tried it... A few times.” Jaemin bit his lower lip. “Did you like it? Do you wanna bottom for a bit?” Jeno blushed up completely, eyes looking directly into Jaemin's. Renjun anticipated what their next moves were going to be, letting go off his dick and watching with curiosity. 

“Shit, Jaemin,” Jeno finally let out, his dick twitching in Jaemin's hand as his other hand brushed dangerously close to his hole. He then pulled Jaemin into a kiss and completely gave himself into the touch as Jaemin slid his hands lower and squeezed his cheeks, pulling them apart. Jeno parted and moaned, then Jaemin turned them around and pushed Jeno to the couch with a smile on his lips, the older's back quick to hit the couch as he sat down.

“Be a good boy and turn around for us,” Renjun whispered into his ear and Jeno twitched against his stomach. His breath was sped up, anticipation clearly visible on his face.

As Jeno turned, the position same as the other two boys's before, the blush from his face spread down to his chest and shoulders, feeling completely exposed. Jaemin got onto his knees behind him, soon noticing something that made his mouth water.

“Jeno,” he let out. “Did you clean yourself?” Jeno gulped, hiding his face as both boys stared at him. Renjun swallowed, eyes meeting Jaemin's. “You wanted this? Why didn't you say?”

Jeno took in a deeper breath and sighed afterwards. “I... I don't-” sentance stopped with a loud moan, Jeno threw his head backwards, Jaemin licking one stripe up his hole. “Shit, feels good,” he mumbled to himself, Jaemin slowly making his way into him, slowly fucking his tongue into him. Hands caressing skin and Renjun's lips easing him with kisses, Jeno was becoming more and more relaxed and soon, Jaemin could fit two fingers inside of him, moving them without much resistance. 

Renjun slowly helped himself, hand working on himself with a sloppy pace, not doing much but staring at the way Jaemin's hand and lips disappeared between Jeno's asscheeks. “Ah, fuck, Jaemin,” Jeno let out, back arching as Jaemin sped up a little, fingers slowly spreading. “Does it hurt? Should I stop?” Jeno blushed up, hiding his face behind his arm. “No, feels good.” he let out, voice soft. Jaemin noticed his moans sounded full of pleasure and pulled his fingers out, pushing in another one along the two. Jeno twitched forward a bit, moaning. “You're doing so good,” Jaemin whispered before kissing his back a bit, eyes meeting Renjun's, the elder boy looking almost lost in a trans as he stared at the disappearing fingers. “Renjun? Color?” Finally adverting his eyes up to Jaemin's, he swallowed and nodded. “G, green.” “You sure? You look a bit... Spaced out.” Renjun swallowed, eyes going down to Jeno as he moaned when Jaemin picked up his pace a bit. “I'm fine. I'm just really turned on.”

“Jeno, I'm gonna push in, is that okay?” Jeno nodded, blush still decorating his cheeks. Jeno finally looked up at Renjun and pulled him infront of himself, kissing him once before opening his legs and sucking the tip of his dick. Jaemin took his time to admire the way Jeno's hole clenched around nothing in anticipation, lubed him up really good and slid his lubed hand over himself once before resting the tip against Jeno's entrance. He bent over and kissed all over his shoulders, slowly pushing himself in.

Jeno moaned loudly around Renjun, the elders hands quick to run up into his hair, moaning with him. That pushed Jeno further and the started bobbing his head, slowly and sloppily giving Renjun a blowjob as he moaned, getting slowly bottomed by Jaemin.

“Fuck, Jeno, I might come just like this,” Renjun let out, and Jeno hummed, feeling the same as Jaemin picked up his pace, moaning against Jeno's skin while placing kisses across it. His hands were holding Jeno in place as he pushed into him, the pace not very quick but seemed to do enough for Jeno. His muscles suddenly tensed up, his moans became breathy and pitched, his hands clenching against the couch and he came around Jaemin, shooting all over Renjun's legs and couch. Jaemin felt his orgasm building up, too, but knew that he might overstimulate Jeno if he was going to catch it. So he kissed along his back and praised him. “Jeno, I'm gonna pull out so I can come, yeah? I'm gonna fuck Renjun, is that okay?” he whispered into his ear, the other boy still high on his climax nodding and Jaemin pulled out and quickly crawled over to Renjun, Jeno pulling off. Jaemin then pulled Renjun's legs up and lubed him really quickly, pushing in. Renjun rolled his eyes back, the extra stimulation after he almost came with lips around his dick making him curse and arch his back off the couch. “Shit, Jaemin,” he let out between the strangled moans. “Harder,” he moaned. “Jaemin, harder, please!” Jaemin picked up his pace and fucked into Renjun quickly, skin slapping loudly. Renjun cried out, Jaemin knowing he was extra close as his walls clenched around him, body tensing.

“Shit, I'm gonna-” Coming before he could say the sentence to the end, his whole body shook with the intense orgasm, Jaemin following closely after, his cum filling Renjun up.

Even after taking a few breaths to calm down, Renjun couldn't keep himself from shivering with each touch. “Holy shit, holy fucking shit,” he breathed out, limbs going numb against Jaemin. Jaemin breathed loudly, feeling the coughing building up again. He started to pull out of Renjun, stopping when feeling Jeno's hand on his back. “Wait, wait,” Jeno said, then quickly lowered down, face just below Renjun's ass as Jaemin pulled out, catching as much cum as he could, some spilling past his lips, too. “Shit, Jeno,” Jaemin let out, watching him swallow every drop he could, licking up to Renjun's hole. “Ah, fuck,” Renjun moaned, twitching his legs closed as Jeno's tongue came up to his entrance, still sensitive from the heavy orgasm. Jaemin sat down and coughed, the fit stronger each time and both boys stared at him in concern. “Do you want water?” Jaemin quickly shook his head and smiled as the coughing stopped, a rosy shade decorating his pale cheeks. “I'm fine.” “When we get back home, you're going to see a doctor.” Jaemin nodded for the boy's sake. “Yeah, whatever.”

Jeno laid down onto his back, Renjun resting his legs against his stomach, Jeno caressing a small of his skin. Jaemin first leaned onto his hands and then laid down onto Jeno's shoulder, pressing a kiss against his skin, legs thrown over Renjun's thighs.

The silence that filled the room wasn't awkward. Each of them was in their own world, calming down from all the highs they had already reached.

“Five hours.” Jeno let out, checking his phone as it rang, his mother checking in on how he is. “Hm?” “We've had sex for five hours.” Renjun raised himself onto his elbows, eyes wide and eyebrows furrowed. “What?” he said loudly, then cracking into a laugh as Jeno nodded, showing him the hour.

Jaemin laughed too.

But he knew the time slipping away this quickly meant losing them sooner.

“That's crazy.” Renjun said, leaning back again. Jeno agreed, looking at Jaemin. Their lips were only a few centimeters away and Jeno smiled before leaning down completely, kissing him, hand coming up to cup his chin, deepening the kiss. Jaemin turned more into him, pulling one leg off Renjun, twisting it around Jeno's. Suddenly, Renjun had the perfect view of Jaemin's entrance, and it made his mouth water.

“You two are making me crazy.” he let out before standing up and getting between Jaemin's legs, kissing down his neck and chest, marking him everywhere his lips could reach. He then reached his hand around both of their dicks, humping them until they were semi hard, moaning into each other's mouth before parting.

“Wanna dp?” Jaemin took in as deep of a breath as he could. Both his and Jeno's eyes went to the boy between Jaemin's legs, eyes full of lust and bottom lip tucked between his teeth, a small smile forming on his lips nonethless. “Renjun, are you sure this is okay for you? Weren't we going for too long already?”

Renjun pounted at Jeno's words. “Do I look bad in any way?” he asked, sarcastically more than anyhting else. “Tsk, tsk, tsk. I hadn't had enough, and judging by the looks of it, you didn't either!”

Both Jaemin's and Jeno's eyes went down to their semi hard dicks, laughing. “That's true,” Jeno said, smiling. Renjun smiled at them and bit his bottom lip.

“The color is green,” Jaemin said, eyes staring at the hand still wrapped around his dick. Renjun looked at him and the smile lightly faded. “Jaemin. Can I try... You know...” Jaemin bit his lower lip and wrapped his legs around Renjun, pulling him closer to himself, the elder's dick landing right against his entrance. “It's green, baby.” Renjun hissed before bending over and kissing him, hand going down to his ass to play with it a bit before he pushed in, lips parting enough to moan loudly. Renjun wasn't half as big as Jeno, but the fact that he knew Jaemin's sweetest spots made the youngest warm inside.

Jeno kissed down Jaemin's neck, Jaemin's hand working on him until the older crawled behind Renjun and kissed down his back, laying onto his back underneath him and lifting his chin, so Renjun's hole was brushing right along his tongue as the eldest rocked his hips. “Oh, fuck,” Renjun moaned as he twitched when feeling Jeno underneath him, suddenly slowing his pace. Jaemin pulled one hand up to intertwine his fingers with Renjun's, the eldest returning the warm smile Jaemin was offering.

The time stopped.

Everything stopped.

There was just them, the lewd things they were doing, the lewd sounds, the hot air, the blushing skin, the sweaty foreheads.

Only them, being each other's loves of lifes.

“Shit, I'm sorry Jaemin, I suck at this,” Renjun said, moaning as Jeno spread his cheeks and stuck his tongue into him. “No, I like it,” Jaemin said, the precum dripping down his hip indication of how much he enjoyed the slow pace and the view he adored with it. “I love you,” Renjun said and leaned down, kissing Jaemin, Jaemin wrapping his hands and legs around Renjun, pulling him as close as he could and Jeno pulled up, pushing into Renjun. Renjun parted, arching his back against Jeno, moaning loudly as Jeno pulled out and pushed back in. Renjun felt Jaemin pull off and watched as he turned around, on all fours, sticking him back in and rocking his hips back onto him, moaning loudly. Jeno had his hands on Renjun's hips, holding him still as he fucked into him, Jaemin reached backwards and entwined his index finger with Jeno's fingers, other fingers holding Renjun's hip.

Renjun took one of Jeno's hands and pulled it up to his neck, Jeno groaning as he realized what Renjun wanted, and picked up his pace, fucking him harder while choking him. Jaemin met Renjun's hips midway as Jeno fucked into him, moaning loudly while looking over his shoulder at the two.

“Fu...ck...” Renjun choked out and his whole body tensed as he came, shaking so much Jeno had to hold him, and filled Jaemin. Jaemin bit his lower lip while moaning loudly, still rocking his hips back onto him, the cum now slowly dripping down his thighs. Renjun cried with sensitivity as Jeno kept rocking his hips, Jaemin never stopping his hips and felt a tear slip past his eyelashes.

Jaemin quickly pulled off and turned around. “He's crying, he's crying, Jeno, stop,” he said eagerly, wide eyes at the crying boy, Jeno quick to pull out and Renjun collapsed onto the floor, Jeno holding him up by his shoulders. “Renjun? Renjun, color? Are you okay?” “Renjun, why are you crying? Did we cross the line? Was that too much? Renjun, are you okay?” Renjun forced a smile while the shaking hands whipped his cheeks. “That was... Amazing.” he let out and laughed, still trying to catch his breath.

Jaemin and Jeno looked at each other and released a relieved sigh, softly smiling. “Holy shit, you scared me.” Jeno said, grabbing his chest and taking in a deep breath. Renjun smiled, finally catching onto the missing air in his lungs. “Sorry, it just felt so good,” Renjun whispered, adverting eyes to everywhere else but the two concerned faces.

“We're getting a tad bit too excited.” Jeno said, serious. He was afraid of what he might do if they continue at this pace.

“We're not. We're just... Filling what we missed.”

Jaemin's words lingered in the air for a few second before Renjun sat up and kissed him, the kiss somehow too innocent for such a situation.

“I love you,” Renjun said, pressing his forehead against Jamein's, hand entwining with Jeno's. “I love you, so much.”

Pulling away from Jaemin, he turned to Jeno and kissed him as well, whispering a delicate ‘I love you’ when their lips were far enough.

“I still want my dp, though,” he said cutely, Jaemin brightly smiling at that, Jeno bursting into a laugh. “Will you ever have enough? Can you even still come?” Jeno said, genuine concern on his face. “Fuck me and find out.” Renjun said, teasingly licking Jeno's bottom lip, pulling away to kiss Jaemin once.

Renjun was certain he finally found a way where he could was to die happy.

Being as close as he could for the time being, he felt too happy to say.

Jaemin crawled over to the couch and layed down just enough to rest his neck against thecouch and pulled Renjun over his lap, kissing him. He then lubed him up, pushing his fingers into him, quickly opening him up with four fingers. He then pushed into him, Renjun moaning, throwing his head back while tucking his hands in Jaemin's hair. Renjun then bounced a few times, riding Jaemin so the youngest was fully erected. Jeno stood up and stood next the two, turning to Renjun, the eldest taking him into his mouth immediately. Jeno threw his head back, his dick quick to fully harden against Renjun's tongue.

Jeno then pulled out, leaned over, kissing Renjun before stepping behind the two and prepping himself right behind Renjun's ass, lubing himself up.

Renjun stopped his thrusts when feeling Jeno's tip and loudly moaned as Jeno slid in, filling him to the edge.

Renjun was at loss of words. He had never felt this good, stuffed to the end and so full. Full of love, butterfies and the feeling of being wanted.

“Oh, my fucking God,” Jaemin whispered, throwing his head back as he felt Jeno against himself, dick grinding agaisnt each other inside of Renjun. Jeno groaned and felt his breath hitch in his lungs at the contact.

“Move, please,” Renjun whispered against Jaemin's shoulder, hugging him around his neck as he got used to the stretch. Jaemin looked at Jeno and nodded, Jeno leaning in to kiss Jaemin before pulling out and pushing back in, Jaemin pulling out as Jeno pushed in, the grinding and thrusts constant. Renjun twitched against Jaemin's body, crying out as the boys moved, holding onto Jaemin's shoulder instead, moaning loudly.

Jeno smacked his ass a bit, Renjun throwing his head back and moaning loudly. “Colors?” Renjun nodded, moans escaping his lips loudly. Jaemin bit his lower lip and nodded. “Green,” both said in unison and Renjun pulled away from Jaemin's shoulder, bringing his lips to his in a messy kiss.

“Ah, shit,” Jeno moaned the unresolved orgasm from before building up again, Jaemin feeling the same. “I'm so close,” Renjun whispered and bit his lip, taking Jaemin's hand and slidding it up to his throat, Jeno following and they choked him, the trio cumming together, Renjun's cum splashing up to Jaemin's lips and across his cheek and stomach, the other two's cum mixing together inside of Renjun as they pulsed against each other.

“Holy fucking shit,” Jeno let out, catching his breath before sitting back on his heels, not pulling out of Renjun just yet. Renjun felt limb as he laid down agaisnt Jaemin, both breathing hard. “Holy shit,” Jaemin whispered, catching for the air desperately.

“Colors?” Jaemin let his head fall against the couch, breathing loudly. Renjun turned more to Jaemin's neck and placed a kiss against his skin, breathing quickly. “Right now? Hella red.” Jaemin said and Renjun quickly pulled up to look at him, concerned. “Why? Why? Are you feeling bad?” Jaemin nodded, still struggling to catch a breath. Jeno leaned back against Renjun and cupped his cheek, running one finger over his skin. “Why is it red? Was it too much? Is anything wrong?”

Jaemin forced a smile. Everything was wrong. He only wanted to live. Only wanted to be happy. Now he feels like he is already losing everything.

“I'm very, very hungry.” Jeno let out a loud sigh while Renjun smacked against his chest. “Stop doing that! You're scaring me to death!” he said, Jaemin's lips curling into a small smile. “I love you,” he whispered. Renjun froze in place, Jeno as well, two pairs of eyes scanning his face, non moving.

Jaemin felt as if he just said his last goodbye.

And he hated every second of it.

“I love you, idiot.” Renjun said, the words sounding more like nagging, first scoffing and then laughing a bit, leaning in to kiss him. After they parted, Jeno whispered the delicate words against Jaemin's lips and kissed him, too.

“We should make something to eat. You're turning really pale, Jaemin.” Jeno said, slidding his finger over Jaemin's cheek. Renjun agreed and soon, the two were pulling out of Renjun, cum pouring down their dicks and thighs.


	29. Going home, changed

After showering, cleaning up and eating, the boys pulled the couch apart and laid on it, cuddling.

Jaemin in the middle, Renjun laying his head on his chest, Jeno turned to the both of them on the other side of Jaemin, chin resting on top of his head. “You're breathing sounds funny,” Renjun said softly, ear pressed right against Jaemin's chest. “Are you really okay?” Jaemin hummed, knowing full well he almost coughed up his lungs just half an hour ago under the shower, strange gooey things being forced out of his lungs with each cough. “You have to go to a doctor, this isn't okay.” “I'll go when we come home.”

“What kind of funerals do you guys wanna have?” The sudden question made hair stand on Jaemin's body. Why was Renjun suddenly asking that?

“I wanna be cremated. Scattered somewhere meaningful. You?” “Same.” Jeno and Renjun seemed to effortlessly talk about it, but it made every single hair on Jaemin's body stand. “You?” Both pairs of eyes on him, Jaemin swallowed hardly. “Cremated. Scattered. Why are we talking about funerals anyway?” the two beside him laughed, the situation quickly becoming serious again. 

Jaemin felt the need to ask something. Will it be too much?

“You will come to my funeral, right?” Jeno sat up a bit, looking at Jaemin. “Of course! Where did you get that?” “We'll have a really long speech and get really drunk, and in the end we will die on your... What was that again? Urn.” The two boys laughed, but to Jaemin the words were like needles.

The laugh eventually died down and the room filled with silence again.

Renjun had his hands wrapped around Jaemin, one hand's fingers playing with Jeno's hair, the other's softly rubbing circles into Jaemin's palm, playing with his fingers.

The silence was comforting; only soft breathing heard, the wood burning in the fireplace, the soft sighs.

Jaemin felt sleepy. And yet, he couldn't fall asleep. He didn't dare to; the hours passing by as he kept his eyes closed wasted.

Renjun didn't want to fall asleep even if his whole body fought with sleep; he wanted to feel this happy for the hours to pass quickly.

Jeno just wanted to feel them close, both warm and fuzzy against him, all lovely dovely.

“Are you two sleeping?” Jaemin asked, Jeno quick to respond with a hum. “No, not yet.” Renjun shook his head, sighing. 

“Do you wanna write a letter?” “Huh?” “A letter? Who for?” “What for?”

Jaemin took in a deep breath. How does he start so it won't be weird?

“For us, for each other. So if stuff happens to us again, we can read it and... Get things straight again.”

Jaemin gulped at the silence as it filled the room after he said his proposition.

Was it... Too much?

“Cool. I wanna do it.” Jeno said, sitting up, a soft smile on his lips, eyes warm. Renjun on the other hand wasn't too sure about it; did that mean he'll have to write things he doesn't want to say out loud also?

“Renjun?” Renjun thought for a second. What should he come up with?

“Can we write anything we want? Like, let's say, a song, a letter, vows, so on? Like... Anything?” “I think as long as we say what we want...” “Okay. Cool. Let's do it.”

The boys grabbed the stuff they needed and scattered through the house, each hiding what he was writing in embarrassment.

At least Jeno did it because of that.

Renjun and Jaemin hid because of the amount of lies they had to uncover in their letters.

Soft music echoed through the house, each boy immersed in his own doing. Well, except Jaemin. He had written his letter prior this already; now only re-reading it, over and over, scanning it in hopes of getting the words to hurt less. But in the end, they started hurting more than anything, because he throughoutly realized the weight of them.

“Are you guys done?” Jeno called from the living room, and Jaemin quickly whipped his cheeks, making sure he didn't look like he cried for the past hour or so. “Yeah, I'm done.” “Me too!” Renjun called, coming down the hallway.

“Okay, so? What now?” Renjun asked, the three now seated in a circle, warming up infront of the fireplace. “Do we read it?” Jaemin gulped. ‘No, not now,’ Jaemin thought to himself. ‘Please, no.’

“I... Think we should save them.” Jaemin said, gulping down, wishing they would agree because he might burst if they say they wanna hear them.

Luckily for him, the two agreed. “Yeah, cool. So we can read them when we have something going on. That's cool,” Jeno said, and Jaemin noticed how he wasn't the only one breathing hardly.

“Who's next?” Jeno asked, bothe boys looking at him, confused. “What for?” “The date. Who's next?” “Aaah, that.” Jaemin said and smiled. 

Will there be a next date?

“I think it's you, Jeno.” Jeno smiled. “Okay, yes. Cool. I was hoping it was me.” Renjun smiled. “Why's that?” “I have something I wanna do.” Jaemin nodded at him. “What is it?” Jeno smiled. “I'm not telling you. You'll find out.”

Jaemin gulped. Will he? Or will it be too late?

Renjun was eager to speed things up, too. He felt his hours counting, and refused to miss things out. “How about we push it forward? Like... Instead of the regural, weekend date, how about we go this Tuesday?” Jeno gulped a bit. So soon? He still has to find the perfect spot, and not to mention the rings- “Why Tuesday?” 

“I think neither of us can wait that long, we're excited.” Jaemin said, knowing the explanation will settle.

Jeno smiled and nodded. “Okay.”

One day. One day is more than enough.

One day. Not even nearly enough.

“I'm getting sleepy,” Jaemin whispered, rubbing his eyes. Renjun nodded, agreeing. He knew the ‘sick’ boy had too much that day, just like himself. “Let's go to sleep then,” Jeno said, smiling at him before leaning in and kissing the top of his head, then pulled his chin up and kissed him, the kiss gentle and moist, both humming into it. Renjun entwined his fingers with both of them before they parted and each kissed him, too.

Jaemin was restless. He felt his lungs fall apart inside of him, each breath harder for him to take.

Mabey he won't wake up the next day. Mabey, he shouldn't fall asleep. What if he doesn't get to say goodbye?

In the end he fell asleep nonetheless, Jeno's fingertips drawing circles against his skin, Renjun's hands brushing though his hair.

He was more than extatic to wake up the next day, two beautiful laughs heard from the kitchen as he stretched on the couch, his body numb, breath already hitching in his throat.

He knew what was coming and ran to the bathroom, opened the water on the tab on full and kneeled over the toilet, first cough already bringing blood with it.

Soon, the toilet was painted in red and his lips stained with his blood, breath sped up as he leaned against the wall beside the toilet, tears threatening to spill over his pale cheeks.

Suddenly, Jaemin remembered the dreams he had.

He was drowning in his own blood again, the two were happy outside of rhis nightmare.

Is he really going to die this way?

“I have to tell them. I have to... Tell them...” he whispered to himself while catching his breath, feeling strong enough to stumble to the tab and wash away the blood. He brushed his teeth and washed his face and took the pill that the doctor said he shouldn't. It did prevent him from coughing blood and stopped the pain a bit, even if it made him sick. He took a few breaths calming himself down before going to meet them.

The day passed with them cuddling, watching movies and kissing, too tired to have any more than a hand brought to each other's bodies, occasionally jerking off or having really slow sex, more to feel each other close than to get off.

Soon, it was time to go home.


	30. The date, the dreams, the run of life

Jaemin had to find the urn to be put into. He refused to think about it too much, but asked his mom to take him to the funeral services company to sort out his will and funeral. He prepaid for everything in advance, and picked out the urn, putting it away at home, just as he said. He made sure his closet was clean and that all his favourite swaters were where they were supposed to be, so Renjun will be able to find the... Thing.

‘Na Jaemin, Tomorrow at 6 pm. We'll meet at the café infront of the park.’

He remembered the text by heart. It was probably going to be the last date they go on before Jaemin passes. So he had to make sure it went well.

He had been dreaming the same nightmare everytime he closed his eyes, and there weren't only a few naps. He took quite a few during the day; feeling exhausted when even standing up.

Jeno woke up extra early, hopped onto his bike and rode himself to the bank where he pulled out all his money and rode straight to the jeweller. 

He had to find the perfect rings. And not to mention he had to find three, similar or the same ones.

“That would be 127. Since you're getting three, that will be 381.” Jeno smiled. He had the perfect rings. The price didn't matter at all. It was his savings to buy a new bike, but the stupid bike wasn't half as important as the two people in his life, finally making him the person he wanted to be.

Renjun didn't know what to do with himself. He spent the weekend with the boys, not being a second alone. Now he had all the time to spare and didn't know how to waste it to run faster.

Jaemin felt his phone ring in his pocket, and quickly pulled it out, smiling when seeing the name on it. “Renjunie,” Jaemin answered, Renjun smiling on the other side. “Are you doing anything right now? I miss you.”

Renjun convinced Jaemin to come out, and they called Jeno together, all three meeting over a coffee in the park.

“God, I missed you,” Renjun said, letting go off Jaemin's hand to wrap his hands around Jeno. Jeno laughed and hugged him, shaking his head. “You haven't seen me for no more than a few hours, silly.” Renjun looked up at him, pounting. “I still missed you.” Jneo cupped his cheeks, smiling, then bent down to kiss him.

After he let go, he stepped over to Jaemin and kissed him, a tad bit more passionate than Renjun, since the eldest was holding him tight as they did it.

“So? Did you get everything for tomorrow?” Jeno choked on his coffee. Why was he suddenly so nervous?

“Y, yes. I did.” Renjun smiled. “Good.” he let out before laying down onto his back, head resting on Jeno's lap, legs over Jaemin's. The trio smiled, fingers quick to draw circles into each other's skin.

“Did you go to the doctor? You said you went early.” How should Jaemin respond to that? Instead of the doctor's, I visited the funeral company?

“Yeah. He said I am probably just seasonally sick.” Both boys smiled. “That's a relief.”

And so, hours passed quicker. Minutes turned to hours, hours turned to half a day. Each of them got a call from their parents, telling them it's dinner time.

Jaemin wanted to stay a bit longer, but wanted to spend time with his family, too. He didn't know if it was the last time he'll eaten with them, so he hurried home.

Renjun headed home after walking Jeno home, knowing it might be the last time he held his hand.

When he got home, he sat by the desk in his room and read the letter he wrote over and over again, almost memorizing it. Tears were drying up with each letter, because he knew it was for the best. If he dies, it will be for the best.

-  
‘Dear Jeno and Jaemin.

My two biggest loves. How do I start this letter without hurting you first?

The truth is, I don't think I can. Because I... I don't know how to say things to make it better in the end. Because what I am doing is... So wrong...

The day I last visited the doctor he told me my heart was getting worse. Only because I was happy.

I know it sounds weird, but... My condition is more complicated than what he thought. The reason I kept having attacks when we first started this was because I was too happy. I was too happy to be by your side, I was so happy that my heart started getting weaker. I was unaware of it, and thought that I was... Just like most cases. That my heart was getting weaker when I was sad, unhappy. But I guess my life is just a big joke and everything I want isn't reachable for me.

My heart is getting worse, day by day. In the morning, when I go to brush my teeth, the first thing... Is an attack. They are getting worse, and by now I'm surprised at how well I kept it together infront of the two of you.

So I guess instead of a love letter, I ended up writing a goodbye letter...

I don't think I have long to live anymore.

Especially when I'm this happy.

I only wanted to live. To live happily by your side. Till the end.

I guess in the end, I did.

I was happy.

I... Can't believe I have to say all these things. I was trying to hide them for so long. Even from myself, even though I knew what I was doing.

So, Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno, thank you for letting me live happily. Thank you for helping me die happy, too. I'm sorry for using you to my advantage. But, I promise, I loved you, so, so much. I love you.

Please, live a happy life in future, too. Love each other, like we loved, together.

I love you, and I'm so sorry.

I hope you won't forget me, even though it's selfish.

I love you. 

Huang Renjun’  
-

The night passed quickly for Jeno and Renjun. Jaemin, on the other hand, was having a hard time. He couldn't breathe properly, each breath resulting in a painful cough while he laid down. He decided he'll rather not fall asleep and took a walk, clearing his head.

It was dark. And Jaemin was alone with his thoughts.

He realised he was scared; but not of dying. More of people forgetting him. And it hurt him more than anything.

“Jaemin? Where were you this early in the morning?” Jaemin's mother asked as he came through the door, the sun just rising. “I couldn't sleep, so I took a walk.” “For how long were you walking? You're cold!” she asked, the boy wrapping his arms around her, hugging her tightly. “Whole night.” “Na Jaemin. Are you crazy? You-” “Mom, I love you.”

Hearing the words, his mother stopped in place and wrapped her hands around his back, feeling the tears gather in her eyes. “I love you, Jaemin.” Jaemin parted and smiled sheepishly at her, eyes covered with tears. “Thank you for being my mom.” he whispered, feeling tears fall from his eyes. She took in a sharp breath, crying. “Oh, don't say that. It's not time yet, Jaemin. We still have-” “Mom.” Once again, she stopped in her sentence, taking a deep breath as tears poured out of both of them. “Thank you for loving me, mom. I love you.” She cried out, the words feeling like one last goodbye. “Thank you for being my son, Jaemin. I love you.”

After eating breakfast, Jaemin stuck around the house, mostly organizing his stuff and spending time with his parents, watching a movie or playing games. Both his parents left for work at 12, so he ate lunch and showered. His coughs were getting worse by the second, and Jaemin had enough. He threw everything he had in his bag onto the bed and searched for the pills the doctor gave him a week before.

‘Reduce coughing fits and ease the chest pain.’ he read on them and decided he'll rather be a bit sick than to cough his whole lungs out.

He got ready and dressed up, cleaned the room and checked for one last time if he flushed the toilet after coughing up the blood into it.

After everything was clean, he decided to go on his way.

He tucked the letter he wrote into his hoodie, making sure he won't forget to tell them.

He still had half an hour, and the walk to the café took about 20 minutes, so he decided he'll wait for them there.

Renjun was impatient and got ready at 4 already, then played a few games, watched a few videos on YouTube and the time was still only 5 and a half. He still had 10 minutes, since the walk from his house to the café was about 15 minutes. He decided he couldn't wait anymore and went on his way.

Jeno kept reciting his words in his room. His fingers played with the black box in his hand, opening it and closing it again, trying one on and then putting it back into the box. Looking at the rings made him so happy, and he couldn't wait to give them to them. So he hurried to the café, the hour something over half 6.

Renjun walked over the pedestrian line and laid his eyes on the boy standing there already; all dressed up, hair made nicely, finger playing inside of his pocket with something as he scrolled on his phone. “Jeno!” Renjun called with a smile and Jeno turned to search for the voice, immediately smiling brightly as he noticed Renjun. The eldest came running to him and hugged him, Jeno quick to wrap his hands around him, swinging him into a hug. 

Jaemin noticed the two across the street, only a busy street separating them from each other. He noticed how the younger smiled at the eldest, how their hands searched for each other, how ones eyes searched for the others. 

And suddenly he couldn't breathe.

Each breath he took in so painfull he felt dizzy.

Renjun tiptoed and kissed Jeno, the younger bringing one hand up to his cheek and deepened the kiss, pulling Renjun as close as he could.

They didn't even notice him.

He realized they really didn't need him to be happy.

He realized he was not all that important in this.

It was just like those damn dreams again; he was drowning and they didn't see him. He was drowning on his own, and they didn't see him at all.

A tear slipped past his eyelashes, knowing he couldn't do anything at that moment. He felt restless, breath hitching loudly, the taste of blood already filling his mouth before he made eye contact with Jeno and the boy waved at him. Jaemin smiled, but the smile faded quickly as blood dripped down his chin and he coughed, falling to the ground. Screaming surrounded him before the world went silent and he couldn't hear a thing, everything turning in slowmotion.

He saw Jeno screaming his name across the road and saw him run; Renjun freezing in place with eyes wide, staring at him. Jaemin switched his eyes to the running boy, only to catch how his body flew through the air, and blood splashed everywhere. Car forcefully stopped, the tires leaving black marks along the concrete.

He then closed his eyes and his breaths stopped.

Renjun couldn't bring himself to take a step.

What just happened?

Did he really... Did he really lose them both? Just like that?

Renjun felt his chest hurt; his eyes full of tears, breath hitching in his throat. He ran to them, first to Jeno, then to Jaemin, shaking them, trying to get them to do anything; instead just covered himself with blood. 

Jeno laid lifelessly, his blood dripping down the street, Jaemin laid on the pavement, blood dripping from his mouth, not showing signs of breathing.

Did he really... End up alone?

Standbys called the ambulance, but it was too late. They tried to help Jeno, but couldn't. His brain and chest were too far damaged. Jaemin was proclaimed dead the second they arrived.

They took Renjun with them, the boy not wanting to leave their side, crying hardly the whole time.

They took him to the hospital, where they sat him in the waiting area. He had to fill out a form and was questioned by police, met Hyunjae, who told him he was the doctor that treated Jaemin. He gave him three things the paramedics were able to save; one letter, one paper, and a black box.

Renjun ran his fingers over the paper and the black box, immediately knowing what was inside it. He opened it and burst into tears again, even though the first ones didn't even stop.

How did he lose them both?

Why did he lose them both?


	31. That fireplace was our end

How was he so blind?

Renjun was broken. He was thruthfully falling apart. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe at all.

When did things get this bad for him? When did the world turn it's back on him?

Why did he have to lose the reasons he could die for?

He passed out, right there, in the hallway, tightly holding the two letters the loves of his life wrote, and the black box, the three rings inside of it.

He woke up to the beeping sound of the monitor. “Renjun? Are you awake?” He hummed in response, his throat dry to say anything else. The voice sounded familiar, but Renjun couldn't bring himself to open his eyes. “Are you okay?”

His mother.

He finally opened his eyes and quickly noticed her cheeks were wet, reminding him of everything that happened. Tears gathered in his eyes in a second and he was soon crying, breath cutting short in his chest.

“Huang Renjun,” the doctor started. “I have some good new for you.” His mother stood up, face enlightened. “Your heart seems to be getting better. Looks like you found a cure for yourself.”

How bad did he want to die. How bad did he want to rewind the time and jump infront of that stupid train when he found out he was sick. How bad did he want to be up there... With the other two boys...

“Then why does it hurt so bad? Doctor, why does it feel like I am going to die?” he asked, voice cracking with the tears streaming down his face, fist bumping against his chest.

“Why can't I die?!” he yelled, fist roughly hitting his own chest. “Why wasn't it me? Why am I not dead?” he asked, voice now only a whisper as his mother wrapped her hands around him, holding him close as he weeped. “Sssh, Renjun, it's going to be alright.” she cooed him, hand brushing through his hair.

The next day Renjun got discharged from the hospital. He knew what was there to do, so visited Jaemin's family, who was very welcoming of him, his mother even letting him go to Jaemin's bedroom when he asked. He told her Jaemin bought an urn and that he knew where it was. The mother of course already knew all that.

They talked for a bit before she let him upstairs, Renjun knowing he will break down again, again, and again just walking upstairs.

Once he held the door knob, tears were already covering his cheeks, breath shallow.

He opened the door and immediately felt broken; Jaemin's scent surrounding him, his clothes, his bed, the polaroid pictures of them hanging on the wall...

Renjun took in a deep breath and sat onto the bed. He ran his fingers across the sheets, and threw his head forwards, facepalming, crying hard. His breath was hitching in his lungs, the tears falling unstoppably.

Renjun felt like he was dying.

Why did they have to die?

Why did they leave him alone?

Why must've it been them?

Wasn't he the one dying?

Renjun took in a few deep breaths, trying to calm down before standing up and taking a few stepps to the closet; the closer he got, the more he felt pressured.

He is going to... Find the urn... Find the thing that will hold Jaemin...

He opened the closet and froze. 

Were the favourite sweaters mentioned in the letter his and Jeno's sweaters?

He took the pile on one side out and gulped, seeing the box behind it.

Renjun felt another wave of tears swallow him up.

The box was all black with a golden ribbon. He took it out and opened it, fingers shaking.

He felt his chest explode with pain as he saw the urn; white urn with golden outlines and in the middle, there was a picture of the three of them, smiling, happy.

Renjun cried. He was broken. He was absolutely heart broken.

Not to mention he had to go to Jeno's family, too; not to mention they didn't completly understand the relationship they had. 

Trying to explain to them that their son talked about being cremated and scattered somewhere was a very hard thing to do, knowing they were in such shock upon losing him so suddenly. In the end, both families came to an agreement to cremate both boys and put them intk the urn Jaemin bought, both of their faces already on it. “It's something they would want, for sure.”

Renjun was broken. He hadn't eaten in three days, he hadn't drank anything. He couldn't bare to be in company, and the tears just didn't stop.

He was truly unable to live on. Except for his heart, which got better with every breath he took, Renjun was falling apart.

He lost the two people that ment the world to him.

He slipped on the ring that Jeno bought, and slid the other two on a necklace, putting it around his neck.

He dressed all black and made sure he bought the most beautiful flowers the florist had, and met both Jeno's and Jaemin's families at the place they all cherished the most; the place where they first met, the place where they first became friends, the place where this all started.

Where the grass was always green and the sun was shining just that much brighter; to let them remember the warm smiles and happy memories.

Renjun sang a song in his head, their song, and smiled before their ashes disappeared in the wind.


	32. Jeno's vows and Jaemin's last few words

-  
‘Dear Renjun and Jaemin,

I don't have the slightest idea of how to start a letter. How to start what I wanna say?

I love you. The three words you had heard me say so many times before, but I don't think I'd shown you enough. 

I love you. To the moon and back. And you mean the world to me. You're my world. My universe.

Meeting you was the best thing that happened to me. You made me realise what kind of a person I wanna be, and made me into that person; a person who was loved and accepted. And to have two people who you can give love to, you already know it was amazing.

Thank you for letting me become who I am today. Thank you for accepting me and loving me.

I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. 

I promise I will love you more than I love you today tomorrow, I promise to give you the world if you want it, I promise I will take care of you tillthe day I die.

My two reasons to live. My two reasons to keep breathing. My two most precious loves,

I love you to the moon and back. Twice.

Lee Jeno’  
-

-  
‘Dear Jeno and Renjun, Renjun and Jeno. 

First off, let me start with two words: thank you. Thank you simply for loving me. For giving me love, for being next to me, for holding me and making me feel loved. For the time I was with you, I sincerely thank you. I had so much love to give, so thank you for letting me love you, even if it wasn't always perfect. Thank you.

I love you. I loved you when I was with you, and I will continue to love you when we are apart. I am so sorry for leaving, but one thing I can say is that at least I'm not in pain anymore.

I never in a million years thought I'd have to plan my own funeral, but here we are. Please, read carefully for the next part, and please, make sure everything is right. I don't want you to be sad, please, don't bail out on me. I know it's going to be hard, at least I hope so. I know I'm greedy to wish pain upon you, but secretly I hope you will miss me. Please, do come. Be there, so I can see your faces for the last time. Right now it sounds so weird, but somehow...

Since you're reading this letter you most likely already know that I was very sick. I fought with lung cancer for a long time, and in the end it got the best of me. I didn't want it to end this soon, and yet... I had no idea how soon I will have to say goodbye.

So... I don't wanna be buried. You know I'm afraid of dark. I wanna be cremated. The urn I wanna be put into will be behind my favorite sweaters in the closet in my room. 

Make sure you play our song when you scatter me, and don't cry. Make sure you smile. Please, smile for me. I don't wanna see your sad faces for the last time. I think I've seen your tears for too long. Please, please, smile for me.

Scatter me somewhere you think it's suitable. Somewhere where the grass is always greener and the sun always shinier, so I can remember your warm smiles and our happy memories together.

I know you'll be in pain. And that's okay. Just don't regret anything. It was my own decision. The truth is, the day when you, Renjun, came back home from the hospital at that time, do you remember I said I couldn't make it to our date? That day I was supposed to have a surgery. It could've been a life saver, but I turned it down. Do you know why? Because I wanted to see your faces for a bit longer. Because I wanted to feel you a bit more, love you a bit harder, have you a little closer; I wanted to live a bit longer with you. The surgery had 35 percent chance of surviving, and I decided I had two more important reasons to live. I know, I know, I could've been there now, with you, well and healthy, but I could've lost it all before it would even start. I wanted to be by the two most important people in my life, at least for as long as I still had. It was my decision to make, so none of this is your fault at all.

I couldn't bring myself to tell you, to let you know because in the end, I knew what was going to happen. I just didn't realize how soon this was coming. I hoped, I prayed I would have more time, but I guess in, the end, I just can't seem to have everything.

My two homes. My two other halves. My most precious people. You have each other, now. Tomorrow. The next week, month, year. Never forget that, and lean onto each other. Don't make each other cry, and talk things out. Don't lose time being ignorant. You'll lose too much, you already know that. We've lost so many days... So please, please, love each other properly.

Just don't... Forget me. Promise me I will live in your memory. Promise me you'll love each other the way we loved, together.

And if you will miss me, anytime, anywhere, look up to the sky. I will always be with you. Always. Because you are the reasons I lived a happy life. You are the reason I am afraid of dying, but came to terms with it. Because, because of you, I will die happy.

Jeno... Renjun... I never thought words were this hard to form... I am so sorry...

Mabey I should've never get involved with you. Mabey I shouldn't stay... Because in the end you'll be the one's in pain. You'll be the one's left behind. And I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry. I love you to the moon and back. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Thank you for being the lights of my life. Thank you for making my last days filled with joy and warmth. You mean the world to me. My most precious people. My most precious loves. I'm so sorry for leaving. I hope I was good enough for the two of you.

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for letting me die happy.

Goodbye. I'll wait for you up there.

I love you.

Yours forever,  
Na Jaemin’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for reading this! I had fun writing it, so I guess I might have overcomplicated it or even went to a direction which wasn't all that clear;;;
> 
> Wow it took long. Almost 8 months! Thank you for all the support!
> 
> I'm sorry if its underwhelming;;;; i hope you liked it.
> 
> Thank you for reading 💚


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